TRYING to clean off my back porch for a NEW YEAR.......forget the past
Oki well to those who know me then they know I hate being pissed off or not talking to anyone especially to those I care about soo as of tonight I think I've got things all cleared up....The last thing I needed to do for the up comming year was resolved tonight when I talked to Lisa. Well we talked about everything and she didn't even remember telling me I fucked her life up but that was probably b/c she was soo pissed and fighting with me she was just saying stuff....but I told her she DID say it lol I know cause it stuck in my head. Anyways I forgive her for the lies and what not and she forgives me for all the mean shit I said to her....we are in no means how we were and I dunno if we ever will be...that depends on alot of things and trust issues I must work out in my head ya know? so yea everything is on the up and up we talked for an hour or so and we are two grown adults letting the past go we agreed. I as of now am oki with everyone in my life...meaning if i died or anyone else did (god forbid) then I wouldn't have any regret or guilt. I am trying to make some changes in a few areas of my life and holding grudges for people is one of them, I have to learn to open up and TRUST people. Everyone is only human and I love God and myself enough to learn forgivness. sounds crazy i know but I want to be a better me and being a bitch or talking shit about someone who i use to love or be friends with isn't good. I concider myself a way better person than that so I need to improve it....the New year is a clean slate for me. I am gonna try to TRUST people and love like there's not another day to do it. I want my friends and family to know how much I love them and how much it means that they give a shit to listen to me or try and make me feel better. I am excited about having some new friends as of right now, I think they will be good for me, i know it's odd how we met up but hey whatever works right? Leigh and I as of right now are doing better in a way granted i am still smothered ALOT and dunno how to fix things! She's not going to start school on the 8th now b/c of the 14 thousand dollars for 5 months thing, that is just rediculous to pay and with 16% interest on it if you finance it...my advice was to find another computer school so she is! I'm really glad she did some checking around b/c she was just diving right into it and her mom was like oki lets pay lol i swear must be nice!! Anyways I want to do something different with my life i think...no more pre law and 8 years of school....I have 2 kids now and I can't focus on them and school so I must choose....and of course I pick my kids so I gotta let the dreams go maybe one day after they are older I can go for that but until then I am gonna do what I wanted to when I was 17 and that is cosmotology..my mother thinks it's great now and she supports me completely, she even admitted to being wrong when she didn't approve of me going into that profession 8 years ago and appologized for making me choose teaching. It's lke finally after all these years of only wanting acceptance and support from her i get it....she is a very difficult woman and I choose to be me and nothing like her lol! Just like I told everyone around christmas I refuse to be anything like her when it comes to the holidays....she is always depressed and always has to have a grudge or fighting with someone. My whole family can't all get together and have an nice holiday without her talking shit and I sometimes get soo ashamed and disappointed to call her my mother.In my eyes blood is blood and you don't turn your back no matter how much they piss you off! So yea needless to say my holiday wasn't as great as it coulda been and but the kids had a awesome christmas. I miss having presents to open on christmas so i think this next year we might do gifts for each other....lol kinda funny we have had 3 christmas's together now and never had gifts to open on Christmas morning and the christmas before that I was with Ashley and giving her mother money to buy her and the kids christmas so i didn't have any then either....Dylan doesn't understand why santa doesn't come see me after all this time! lol it suxs tryin to make him understand even tho you want or wish for something you don't always get it, for him he wishes or wants something he always eventually gets it i never forget the things he ask for and i try my best to get EVERYTHING! I know they are both rotten but hey that's what their here for! I love buying christmas for the kids and watching their little eyes light up when they unwrap stuff it's a very rewarding time for a parent, makes all the hard work, screaming crying, dirty diapers,boo boo's, shitty carpets(long story lol) ALL worth it! I mean damn the later part of 2005 for me has been unbelievably crazy at moments between the kids and me bing the only one that can get the job done, i swear it like 24-7 a kid needs something or you can't even talk on the phone b/c one or the other is throwing a fit lol I LOVE MY JOB I REALLY DO, I JUST NEED A PROZAC OR MINI VACATION LMAO! and honest to god it will probably never happen :-( hell Ava will barely go to anyone other than me Leigh or her daddy without that bottom lip going under and her screaming....she is very finicky about who holds her to say the least lol but who knows? I'm gonna wrap this up now i have my sons mt. everest room to clean with huge peaks of toys to pick up and organize! LOVE YA'll and I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful New Year! I'll be seeing some of you !