Decoration
I guess I'm not okay. I thought I was. I thought this day meant change for the better. But I'm still here, I'm still the same. I finally stopped taking caffeine pills just to get up in the morning. I actually started eating for the reason of being hungry and not to survive. But it's like clockwork. I always go back to this feeling. No one to talk to, nowhere to go, nothing to do. This empty feeling. It's feels like it's always been here. Like Christians say Jesus is always in you. Well he's not. Well at least not in me, at all. I'm just this object of motion. I follow through my weekly circles and return back to form. I'm nothing like art. There's no deeper meaning. I feel like I'll be surface value forever. That's all anyone seems to be looking at these days; surface value. I've never felt so... bland. No one can tell anyways. They're busy with their lives. Like I said before, I only get calls from family to do favors. When I call them they don't pick up. I've tried talking to multiple people about how I feel. About how unhappy I was, and am. About how I don't even have a central focus anymore. About how regardless that people were immediately apt to hate her, that at least she made me feel. I had purpose and reason. I had a friend, a true friend. The relationship exoskeleton was us just being young. Me being young. We had pretty much nothing in common. I couldn't have found a better way to spend my time though. We ended it and agreed we'd be friends. We would try to transform love into friendship. I felt less inclined then. But I was willing. I still am. I am beyond willing. I miss having a friend. A friend that when I actually spoke, she would listen. I wouldn't get a response that was a quick way to end the subject. An easy way out, just so we could get to their side of the conversation. Regardless of fights or love or misunderstandings, we always had that. We had us. Even when we were mad at each other, we could speak to each other. It's not the love I even miss, I don't miss buying anniversarry gifts, or picking out the right flowers. I miss being able to be greeted at the door by someone who was willing to listen to every word I say, and mean every word she said back.
But now I'm here. She won't speak to me. Well she will, if you call quick responses just to let me know I'm not wanted anymore speaking. Schoolwork is more important than someone she once said she loved.
I have no clue how she is taking this. But the fact is she hasn't once attempted to speak to me. Every conversation has been started by me. I've seen a few of her family members, and they say it's good to see that I'm holding up well.
I hate that I have to be fake to let everyone else's world still turn.
There are some mornings when I open my eyes and hope that I've finally crossed my finish line. The end of my life long marathon.
It makes me sick.
But now I'm here. She won't speak to me. Well she will, if you call quick responses just to let me know I'm not wanted anymore speaking. Schoolwork is more important than someone she once said she loved.
I have no clue how she is taking this. But the fact is she hasn't once attempted to speak to me. Every conversation has been started by me. I've seen a few of her family members, and they say it's good to see that I'm holding up well.
I hate that I have to be fake to let everyone else's world still turn.
There are some mornings when I open my eyes and hope that I've finally crossed my finish line. The end of my life long marathon.
It makes me sick.