Fanfic: Birkhoff's Ten Rules for Living with Spies
Birkhoff’s Ten Rules for Living with Spies
First of all: never play a first-person shooter at 3:00 AM with the volume all the way up, unless you want one grumpy, half-asleep Michael riddling your flat screen with bullet holes.
Second, for the love of everything precious and dear (read: Shadownet), hide the twelve thousand dollar Zephyr’s Kiss. Nikita will give it to anyone.
Third, beware entering even the living room. Nikita has no shame; she will change clothes wherever. Michael will threaten to dismember you for ogling his girl in her underwear.
Fourth, Michael will store his guns wherever he damn well wants to. This includes behind the toilet, inside the liquor cabinet, and yes, even underneath his pillow.
Fifth, Michael does not want your relationship advice; neither does Nikita. And no matter the number of similarities between them and various movie and television couples, for heaven’s sake, do not compare them to the ones who end up dying. They will not take it well, no matter how awesome ‘star-crossed-spies’ sounds in your head.
Sixth, leave the house when they return from a mission that almost ended with one of them dead. Just…just leave.
Seventh, they will have adorable children. These children will be unable to pronounce the name ‘Seymour’. They will call you ‘Unca Mo-Mo’. You must strongly protest this moniker at every available opportunity so Nikita stops teasing you about how your heart is growing two sizes.
Eighth, ‘Nerd’ is actually a pet name. The more they call you ‘nerd’, the more they like you. You should respond by giving them cutesy names as well. ‘Niki’ and ‘Mikey’ work well in a pinch. Plus, they rhyme.
Ninth, take your anti-inflammatory medication. Hell hath no fury like Nikita-who-has-just-saved-your-hand-life-and-sanity-from-a-psychotic-bitch-weilding-a-lobotmy-needle when she thinks you aren’t taking care of yourself.
Tenth, no matter how much they claim to hate you, they don’t. Show them loyalty, and they will respond by giving up all that is precious to them to save you. For the first time in your life, someone will tell you that you are worth it.
Rule Eleven is unofficial, but goes something like this: if they are willing to sacrifice everything for you, be willing to sacrifice everything for them. This includes Shadowbot, Shadownet, and numerous houses. It does not matter how many thousands of dollars worth of clothes Niki buys, or how often Mikey wants you to pull up camera footage of his son in London; they are the only friend’s you’ve got. According to Nikita, a friend is someone who knows you and still likes you, which miraculously, both of them kinda do.
Besides, no matter how much you gripe and complain about everything discussed in rules one through ten, the truth is…
They are so worth it too.
end.
First of all: never play a first-person shooter at 3:00 AM with the volume all the way up, unless you want one grumpy, half-asleep Michael riddling your flat screen with bullet holes.
Second, for the love of everything precious and dear (read: Shadownet), hide the twelve thousand dollar Zephyr’s Kiss. Nikita will give it to anyone.
Third, beware entering even the living room. Nikita has no shame; she will change clothes wherever. Michael will threaten to dismember you for ogling his girl in her underwear.
Fourth, Michael will store his guns wherever he damn well wants to. This includes behind the toilet, inside the liquor cabinet, and yes, even underneath his pillow.
Fifth, Michael does not want your relationship advice; neither does Nikita. And no matter the number of similarities between them and various movie and television couples, for heaven’s sake, do not compare them to the ones who end up dying. They will not take it well, no matter how awesome ‘star-crossed-spies’ sounds in your head.
Sixth, leave the house when they return from a mission that almost ended with one of them dead. Just…just leave.
Seventh, they will have adorable children. These children will be unable to pronounce the name ‘Seymour’. They will call you ‘Unca Mo-Mo’. You must strongly protest this moniker at every available opportunity so Nikita stops teasing you about how your heart is growing two sizes.
Eighth, ‘Nerd’ is actually a pet name. The more they call you ‘nerd’, the more they like you. You should respond by giving them cutesy names as well. ‘Niki’ and ‘Mikey’ work well in a pinch. Plus, they rhyme.
Ninth, take your anti-inflammatory medication. Hell hath no fury like Nikita-who-has-just-saved-your-hand-life-and-sanity-from-a-psychotic-bitch-weilding-a-lobotmy-needle when she thinks you aren’t taking care of yourself.
Tenth, no matter how much they claim to hate you, they don’t. Show them loyalty, and they will respond by giving up all that is precious to them to save you. For the first time in your life, someone will tell you that you are worth it.
Rule Eleven is unofficial, but goes something like this: if they are willing to sacrifice everything for you, be willing to sacrifice everything for them. This includes Shadowbot, Shadownet, and numerous houses. It does not matter how many thousands of dollars worth of clothes Niki buys, or how often Mikey wants you to pull up camera footage of his son in London; they are the only friend’s you’ve got. According to Nikita, a friend is someone who knows you and still likes you, which miraculously, both of them kinda do.
Besides, no matter how much you gripe and complain about everything discussed in rules one through ten, the truth is…
They are so worth it too.
end.