(no subject)
well it has been wayyy too long since i have been here.
it makes me anxious to write again. i feel like sometimes when you write, it is out there and there is no turning back. kinda scary. but i'm here to talk.
so quite a bit has happened, my sister got married, my internship came and went, my job back at cousins cam and went, i lived with my cousin the whole summer, his family is lovely, his wife got pregnant, my cousin told me she might be gay, my best friend from back home was pregnant then had a miscarriage which devistated me and her and her fiance, oh yeah she is getting married in Nov, my little sister is due in october, i graduate this december, i slept with a man to get over him and might have ended up fucking my whole life up, i started classes again, moved into a new apartment with an old friend, i am back to school with great friends, i have lost 35 pounds, i have realized my age and maturity, and recognize how far i have to go, and the list goes on. holy wah. that is a lot. i never realized all this was happening at once.
i guess what i want to talk about is neal, the guy i slept with to get over. dumb is the first word to come to mind. but necessary is the second. yes, it sounds dumb to people who are in relationship or that have been. unfortunately i am not one of those people. before i did, neal was always an option for me. if i ever felt lonely or hopeless, i would just think about neal who would gladly be with me and it gave me a sense of false security. it would trick my mind into thinking it was okay to not be an active participant in my love life. not that i have been a very active participant before but i have put myself out there more than i do when i have the idea of a man to fall back on. also, it was not fair because he led a very dangerous life and he would go for weeks at a time without talking to me. it just was not someone i could be with it but in my mind that did not matter. so my plan was to go down, sleep with him and have that be the end of it. it worked to get my head in order. i saw the way he was around other people and who he was in person when i spent more than a couple hours with him. it solidified the notion that we would never be together. but then again, he has been around and there is a very high chance that i would be getting an sti. i mean i could get something deadly and i wouldnt know for a few more years. it is scary and ruined the whole experience. the things i have learned from doing this with him, the whole relationship is to keep my life in check and in balance and he taught me what i am worth and what i deserve. he showed me that and then turned around and said, sorry i can't give that to you. it was devistating and i did not want to believe that a man would show me what i needed and then no beable to give it to me. which sounds dumb but is true. i never thought i really deserved much more than i got. i mean i knew i deserved a little better but the way that he perceived me what something i never saw. and as much as all of the other stuff sucks, i would not give up the experience with him for anything.
long entry but needed. now off to continue with laundry.
peace.love.food.
it makes me anxious to write again. i feel like sometimes when you write, it is out there and there is no turning back. kinda scary. but i'm here to talk.
so quite a bit has happened, my sister got married, my internship came and went, my job back at cousins cam and went, i lived with my cousin the whole summer, his family is lovely, his wife got pregnant, my cousin told me she might be gay, my best friend from back home was pregnant then had a miscarriage which devistated me and her and her fiance, oh yeah she is getting married in Nov, my little sister is due in october, i graduate this december, i slept with a man to get over him and might have ended up fucking my whole life up, i started classes again, moved into a new apartment with an old friend, i am back to school with great friends, i have lost 35 pounds, i have realized my age and maturity, and recognize how far i have to go, and the list goes on. holy wah. that is a lot. i never realized all this was happening at once.
i guess what i want to talk about is neal, the guy i slept with to get over. dumb is the first word to come to mind. but necessary is the second. yes, it sounds dumb to people who are in relationship or that have been. unfortunately i am not one of those people. before i did, neal was always an option for me. if i ever felt lonely or hopeless, i would just think about neal who would gladly be with me and it gave me a sense of false security. it would trick my mind into thinking it was okay to not be an active participant in my love life. not that i have been a very active participant before but i have put myself out there more than i do when i have the idea of a man to fall back on. also, it was not fair because he led a very dangerous life and he would go for weeks at a time without talking to me. it just was not someone i could be with it but in my mind that did not matter. so my plan was to go down, sleep with him and have that be the end of it. it worked to get my head in order. i saw the way he was around other people and who he was in person when i spent more than a couple hours with him. it solidified the notion that we would never be together. but then again, he has been around and there is a very high chance that i would be getting an sti. i mean i could get something deadly and i wouldnt know for a few more years. it is scary and ruined the whole experience. the things i have learned from doing this with him, the whole relationship is to keep my life in check and in balance and he taught me what i am worth and what i deserve. he showed me that and then turned around and said, sorry i can't give that to you. it was devistating and i did not want to believe that a man would show me what i needed and then no beable to give it to me. which sounds dumb but is true. i never thought i really deserved much more than i got. i mean i knew i deserved a little better but the way that he perceived me what something i never saw. and as much as all of the other stuff sucks, i would not give up the experience with him for anything.
long entry but needed. now off to continue with laundry.
peace.love.food.