Xangelus fic When Dawn goes Down to Day
Hey y'all.
I wrote a piece a while ago called After Midnight. Well, I hadn't thought about doing a sequel or continuing the fic when I finished it. It seemed, yeah, it seemed open ended and suitable for followups, but I wasnt' prepared to take it where it needed to go. Well, my lovely _beetle_ begged me prettily, which she is so good at, to write a sequel. I've been putting it off.
However, lately, I've been wanting to go to that dark sort of forbidden (at least by me) place and I sat down and jotted down some ideas. Then I started fleshing those ideas out. I'm not completely happy with what I came up with, but I'm going to post it in the vein of learning from those that do this stuff so much better than I ever could.
So here it is:
Title: When Dawn Goes Down to Day
Rating: FRM mature but not NC 17
Summary: An older Xander learns a valuable lesson too late
Disclaimer: I don’t own em. Never did. Joss is the master.
Feedback/Concrit: Oh hell yeah. This is totally unbeta’d
Setting: An AU season 4 that follows from my fic After Midnight.
Warnings: I don't want to spoil, but Character death.
Previous parts: in my memories
When Dawn Goes Down to Day
I was 13 when I found out monsters were real. Of course, I thought they would be hideous and horned and pus-coated creatures from my wildest imagination. I learned very quickly that the monsters looked like us. They looked like my dad. I was only 13 when he first beat me. Don’t even know now why, just remember the terrifying feeling of not knowing what I did wrong as he beat me into unconsciousness. From that point on, monsters were very real to me.
I was 16 when I learned that the monsters could be beat back. An odd lesson learned, and taught to me by the tiny blond girl that became my one of my best friends. One of my only friends. Willow and Jesse had been my only friends until Buffy came along. She had secrets, and that was ok. But then Jesse got killed, and Buffy pulled out a stake, and I discovered I liked being able to fight back.
I was 17 when it dawned on me that fighting the monsters was pointless. It was an unwinnable battle. The proof of that came when the same girl who taught me to fight back died doing what she taught. It hit all of us hard, but it broke me. And the monster that killed her liked breaking things. Liked breaking people even more.
I’m 20 now. What lesson do you think I’m ready to learn these days?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander knew Angelus wouldn’t keep his word. Hello? Evil, truly evil, vampire there. So yeah, Xander knew, but honestly didn’t give a shit about it.
He snorted. ‘Despair.’ Angelus had said that Xander was despair. Well, the fucker was right. That son of a bitch who’d worn an angel’s face murdered his friend. Put another one in the hospital for what looked to be forever, and continued to terrorize the town. Xander was tired of fighting and risking his life. He’d told Giles as much, as well.
“I’m through, Giles. I can’t do this anymore. My heart’s been ripped out and I just don’t give a fuck what happens to everyone else in this town that has been too blind or stupid to see what was going on. Or if they did, just accept it. So. I quit. I’m handin’ in my stakes, and leaving the good fight up to you guys. Those of you with the power, the knowledge and the training.”
“Xander - ”
“Nope. I’m done. I wish you all luck, but even you have to see that it’s a losing battle you’re fighting. I see it, and I’m only human.” He turned to go. “I sincerely hope no more of you get killed, but I don’t think that hope will see the light of day.” He walked out the doors, leaving what was left of the crew. It was no longer his fight.
Now, having told Giles he quit, Xander was a free man. Sort of. He walked the streets only in the light of day; he was free, not stupid. And because he didn’t venture out at night, he didn’t encounter Angelus again. Not personally. But he’d got plenty of calling cards.
A dead kitten on his doorstep. Unmarked envelopes in the mail with pictures of Willow sleeping in her bed. Of Giles in the school library. Of Oz and Cordelia and new members of the gang. Drawings of his house, him in the window. For some reason Angelus never killed his friends, preferring, Xander guessed, to keep them alive and let Xander know that he could off them at any time.
For three years he’d been dealing with Angelus’ calling cards. Three years, and though he hadn’t run into the vampire himself, he was still dealing with him. The stress had worn Xander out. He was hollowed out. His face was gaunt, deep purple bruises under his eyes from severe lack of sleep. He could count his ribs now, even the ones on his back, having lost so much weight from lack of appetite. He was quiet, rarely spoke to anyone anymore.
The only thing that didn’t suffer, because he’d thrown himself head long into it, was his school work. He’d not had Willow to distract or help him anymore, nor was he battling the forces of evil, so he had so much extra time to devote to studies. Plus, studying kept him out of the world. It proved to be a sanctuary, and he finally understood why Willow loved it so much.
His improved grades got him into UC Sunnydale, and he was studying architecture, learning to build things. He was now a junior and was finally getting some practical experience, working on sites with building crews, learning how buildings were actualized and erected in reality. It was back-breaking work, but he loved it.
At present, he and the crew he worked with were remodeling parts of downtown Sunnydale. Refurbishing old shops and building new ones. He’d got a call from his foreman that they’d had some vandals over the weekend and could he take a look at the damage. He’d been nervous - hell, scared! - at first. Worried over whether Angelus was still stalking him. It’d been a few months since the last envelope. The last indication that Angelus was still concerned with him, so he put his fears aside and went to the site.
It was Sunday evening. The sun was very close to setting and the sky was pink and purple with the dispersed rays. Xander walked cautiously down the street to the site, having parked his car about two blocks down in the only available parking lot. Two thirds of the way to the site, he knew he’d made a mistake. He knew he should have told his boss that he had church plans or something, anything to not be here now. But he didn’t. So here he was.
He knew Angelus was behind him, following, slinking in the deep shadows cast by the fading light. He stopped and turned to the darkest shadow that stretched away from the building to his left.
“I know you’re there. You’ve made no secret about following me. I mean. Your damn pants creak louder than - well, I can’t think of an example, Deadboy. They’re just loud.”
“Bet you thought I’d forgot about you didn’t you, Xander?” Angelus’ disembodied voice floated out from the shadows, creeping Xander out just that much more. It was weird not seeing him, but hearing that calm, almost rational voice, laced with just a hint of the Irish brogue that must have been so strong to have survived a hundred years cooped up.
“Nope. Didn’t think. Hoped, yeah. But I knew you hadn’t. You’re like a bulldog with a bone, once you get an idea in your otherwise empty head. What do you want?” Don’t show fear, don’t show fear, don’t show fear.
“Aww, come on now. You know what I’m after, if you think about it hard enough.”
Xander caught a glimpse of yellow eyes as Angelus turned to check the sun.
“I want you. Didn’t you get my....letters?”
“Oh you mean, your demented tokens of affection? The drawings of my friends, of me? Those letters?” Yeah, anger works. Hides fear real good. Get angry. Not that it’ll help, mind ya.
“Kept my end of the bargain, didn’t I? Your friends are safe. Relatively. For now.” Angelus stepped out of the shadows, finally, and stalked forward, shoulders rolling under the black silk shirt. “How long they stay that way depends on you, boy.”
“Not a boy anymore. You took care of that, you know. And aren’t you a little old to be wanting boys anyway? Not that I want you to want me now that I’m a man and all, but it’s a little icky that you get all riled up over, well, over teenagers. You’re what? 250 years old? Don’t you think robbing the cradle is a little, I don’t know, beneath you?”
Angelus grinned. “I just like the taste of innocent blood, you know. It’s good that we can converse like this. Civilized, in a manner of speaking. Oh by the way; I really just must apologize for terrorizing you the way I did before.” He shook himself. “I’d just been cooped up for so long, you know? Went a little...crazy...there for a little while.” He frowned a bit. “I’m feeling much more myself lately. It’s rather freeing.” He continued forward, reaching out to touch Xander’s face.
Xander stood stock still, not daring to move an inch, as it might lead to his premature death. Oh who the hell was he kidding. This was his final night on earth anyway. He snatched himself away from Angelus’ hand. “Don’t touch me. I gave you what you wanted before. A taste. You won’t be getting anything else from me.”
Angelus’ notoriously beautiful face shifted then, to reveal the devil that lived inside him. “I think you’ll give me exactly what I want when I want it. Boy.”
Inside, Xander was quaking, but he spat out, “See? There you go with the whole ‘boy’ thing again. I seriously think you need to see a therapist. Your pedophilia is taking the psycho thing just a little far. Not appealing at all. Didn’t your sire teach you that you could catch more humans with sanity?”
Angelus laughed. “Oh. You’re so much fun. I thought I broke you well enough last time we met. And let me say that that kiss? Was delicious. But this time is going to be so much better. You’ve got a lot of your old spirit back. That spirit Angel loved in you.” He turned introspective. “Yeah. There was a lot about you that Angel liked, that Angel wanted. Too bad he was too much of a pansy to just take it. But then, there was his poor...suffering...soul.”
It was Xander’s turn to laugh. “God. You’re really good, I gotta give you credit. Only one thing, Angel hated me. Put up with me because I was Buffy’s friend, but he hated me. I made sure he did. Never did trust him. I mean, he was a vampire! Well. You know!”
“Ahh, precious. So much you don’t know. Angel wanted you, was jealous of you.”
“Whatever. I have work to do. Are you going to harrass me all night, or can I get to work?”
“Let me guess. Your boss wanted you to check out vandals? Where you work?” Angelus circled Xander, making him dizzy and nauseated with the effort to follow.
“Yeah. What? You gonna tell me that the vandals were actually just you?”
“No. I wouldn’t stoop so low as all that. I just made the call. To you.”
“Oh. You pretended to be my boss to get me out here, and I’m just getting this now. Dammit. I should have known my boss wasn’t that stupid.”
“No, he was that stupid. I made the call from his office. After I ate him. And oh, he tasted pretty damn good, let me tell ya, Xander. I wish I could share that with you.” Angelus lowered his head, smiling that dangerous smile that Xander knew meant trouble. “And I will, before the night is out.”
“What? You gonna kill me now?”
“No. That’s gonna take a little longer.” He reached forward, snatching Xander by his hair and pulling him away, down the dark alley before Xander even had time to scream. Clapping a hand over Xander’s mouth, he whispered, “Now now, boy, no screaming. I’ve been mighty goddam patient with you. Hiding from me, not going out except in the daylight, where you know I can’t go.” He licked a damp trail along Xander’s neck and jaw and ear. “I’m going to take that light away from you, precious. You’ll never walk in daylight again. I hope you said thanks for every day you had, because today was your last.”
Xander started to squirm, trying to maneuver his arms back into his jacket, reaching for the stake he still kept there for just this sort of occurrence. “Ah ahah. None of that, dear boy.” Angelus folded his arm underneath Xander’s, trapping his arms away from his body. “I’ve waited three years for this boy. Kept away from your friends, well, not away but not killing them either. And now, I finally have you. You’ll be mine, precious. In every way I can think of. Mind, body, blood. It will all be mine.”
Xander remembered the moment he broke the last time. It had taken the dead kiss of despair, but he remembered feeling the fight leave him three years ago. In the subsequent three years, he’d rebuilt himself. It had started with leaving the good fight to the others. It continued with excelling in high school and going to college, culminated in the job he now did while attending school. He was a new man.
But underneath the newness, the old still shined through. Xander was still the white knight, albeit retired. He was still that little boy, teenager, who had lost his three closest friends. It would never again take as much to break him as that year had. This moment, caught in Angelus’ grasp, he knew all that he’d accomplished had been for naught.
He was 20 years old, and in all the lessons he’d learned, this one would be the longest lasting. There is no way to rebuild when the monsters break you. He gave up fighting, dropped his arms, closed his eyes. There was no where else to be.
“That’s my boy.” Then he felt the deep muscle pain of fangs tearing at his throat, and the slightly sexual pull of blood from his veins. He felt it all fading away, everything he knew, everything he felt, everything he hoped to be. It all went sliding out of his skin into a cool mouth, onto a soft sliding tongue, down the throat of the demon that claimed him three years ago with a kiss of despair. The light from the setting sun finally faded, and Xander closed his eyes in death.
continued in part 3
I wrote a piece a while ago called After Midnight. Well, I hadn't thought about doing a sequel or continuing the fic when I finished it. It seemed, yeah, it seemed open ended and suitable for followups, but I wasnt' prepared to take it where it needed to go. Well, my lovely _beetle_ begged me prettily, which she is so good at, to write a sequel. I've been putting it off.
However, lately, I've been wanting to go to that dark sort of forbidden (at least by me) place and I sat down and jotted down some ideas. Then I started fleshing those ideas out. I'm not completely happy with what I came up with, but I'm going to post it in the vein of learning from those that do this stuff so much better than I ever could.
So here it is:
Title: When Dawn Goes Down to Day
Rating: FRM mature but not NC 17
Summary: An older Xander learns a valuable lesson too late
Disclaimer: I don’t own em. Never did. Joss is the master.
Feedback/Concrit: Oh hell yeah. This is totally unbeta’d
Setting: An AU season 4 that follows from my fic After Midnight.
Warnings: I don't want to spoil, but Character death.
Previous parts: in my memories
When Dawn Goes Down to Day
I was 13 when I found out monsters were real. Of course, I thought they would be hideous and horned and pus-coated creatures from my wildest imagination. I learned very quickly that the monsters looked like us. They looked like my dad. I was only 13 when he first beat me. Don’t even know now why, just remember the terrifying feeling of not knowing what I did wrong as he beat me into unconsciousness. From that point on, monsters were very real to me.
I was 16 when I learned that the monsters could be beat back. An odd lesson learned, and taught to me by the tiny blond girl that became my one of my best friends. One of my only friends. Willow and Jesse had been my only friends until Buffy came along. She had secrets, and that was ok. But then Jesse got killed, and Buffy pulled out a stake, and I discovered I liked being able to fight back.
I was 17 when it dawned on me that fighting the monsters was pointless. It was an unwinnable battle. The proof of that came when the same girl who taught me to fight back died doing what she taught. It hit all of us hard, but it broke me. And the monster that killed her liked breaking things. Liked breaking people even more.
I’m 20 now. What lesson do you think I’m ready to learn these days?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Xander knew Angelus wouldn’t keep his word. Hello? Evil, truly evil, vampire there. So yeah, Xander knew, but honestly didn’t give a shit about it.
He snorted. ‘Despair.’ Angelus had said that Xander was despair. Well, the fucker was right. That son of a bitch who’d worn an angel’s face murdered his friend. Put another one in the hospital for what looked to be forever, and continued to terrorize the town. Xander was tired of fighting and risking his life. He’d told Giles as much, as well.
“I’m through, Giles. I can’t do this anymore. My heart’s been ripped out and I just don’t give a fuck what happens to everyone else in this town that has been too blind or stupid to see what was going on. Or if they did, just accept it. So. I quit. I’m handin’ in my stakes, and leaving the good fight up to you guys. Those of you with the power, the knowledge and the training.”
“Xander - ”
“Nope. I’m done. I wish you all luck, but even you have to see that it’s a losing battle you’re fighting. I see it, and I’m only human.” He turned to go. “I sincerely hope no more of you get killed, but I don’t think that hope will see the light of day.” He walked out the doors, leaving what was left of the crew. It was no longer his fight.
Now, having told Giles he quit, Xander was a free man. Sort of. He walked the streets only in the light of day; he was free, not stupid. And because he didn’t venture out at night, he didn’t encounter Angelus again. Not personally. But he’d got plenty of calling cards.
A dead kitten on his doorstep. Unmarked envelopes in the mail with pictures of Willow sleeping in her bed. Of Giles in the school library. Of Oz and Cordelia and new members of the gang. Drawings of his house, him in the window. For some reason Angelus never killed his friends, preferring, Xander guessed, to keep them alive and let Xander know that he could off them at any time.
For three years he’d been dealing with Angelus’ calling cards. Three years, and though he hadn’t run into the vampire himself, he was still dealing with him. The stress had worn Xander out. He was hollowed out. His face was gaunt, deep purple bruises under his eyes from severe lack of sleep. He could count his ribs now, even the ones on his back, having lost so much weight from lack of appetite. He was quiet, rarely spoke to anyone anymore.
The only thing that didn’t suffer, because he’d thrown himself head long into it, was his school work. He’d not had Willow to distract or help him anymore, nor was he battling the forces of evil, so he had so much extra time to devote to studies. Plus, studying kept him out of the world. It proved to be a sanctuary, and he finally understood why Willow loved it so much.
His improved grades got him into UC Sunnydale, and he was studying architecture, learning to build things. He was now a junior and was finally getting some practical experience, working on sites with building crews, learning how buildings were actualized and erected in reality. It was back-breaking work, but he loved it.
At present, he and the crew he worked with were remodeling parts of downtown Sunnydale. Refurbishing old shops and building new ones. He’d got a call from his foreman that they’d had some vandals over the weekend and could he take a look at the damage. He’d been nervous - hell, scared! - at first. Worried over whether Angelus was still stalking him. It’d been a few months since the last envelope. The last indication that Angelus was still concerned with him, so he put his fears aside and went to the site.
It was Sunday evening. The sun was very close to setting and the sky was pink and purple with the dispersed rays. Xander walked cautiously down the street to the site, having parked his car about two blocks down in the only available parking lot. Two thirds of the way to the site, he knew he’d made a mistake. He knew he should have told his boss that he had church plans or something, anything to not be here now. But he didn’t. So here he was.
He knew Angelus was behind him, following, slinking in the deep shadows cast by the fading light. He stopped and turned to the darkest shadow that stretched away from the building to his left.
“I know you’re there. You’ve made no secret about following me. I mean. Your damn pants creak louder than - well, I can’t think of an example, Deadboy. They’re just loud.”
“Bet you thought I’d forgot about you didn’t you, Xander?” Angelus’ disembodied voice floated out from the shadows, creeping Xander out just that much more. It was weird not seeing him, but hearing that calm, almost rational voice, laced with just a hint of the Irish brogue that must have been so strong to have survived a hundred years cooped up.
“Nope. Didn’t think. Hoped, yeah. But I knew you hadn’t. You’re like a bulldog with a bone, once you get an idea in your otherwise empty head. What do you want?” Don’t show fear, don’t show fear, don’t show fear.
“Aww, come on now. You know what I’m after, if you think about it hard enough.”
Xander caught a glimpse of yellow eyes as Angelus turned to check the sun.
“I want you. Didn’t you get my....letters?”
“Oh you mean, your demented tokens of affection? The drawings of my friends, of me? Those letters?” Yeah, anger works. Hides fear real good. Get angry. Not that it’ll help, mind ya.
“Kept my end of the bargain, didn’t I? Your friends are safe. Relatively. For now.” Angelus stepped out of the shadows, finally, and stalked forward, shoulders rolling under the black silk shirt. “How long they stay that way depends on you, boy.”
“Not a boy anymore. You took care of that, you know. And aren’t you a little old to be wanting boys anyway? Not that I want you to want me now that I’m a man and all, but it’s a little icky that you get all riled up over, well, over teenagers. You’re what? 250 years old? Don’t you think robbing the cradle is a little, I don’t know, beneath you?”
Angelus grinned. “I just like the taste of innocent blood, you know. It’s good that we can converse like this. Civilized, in a manner of speaking. Oh by the way; I really just must apologize for terrorizing you the way I did before.” He shook himself. “I’d just been cooped up for so long, you know? Went a little...crazy...there for a little while.” He frowned a bit. “I’m feeling much more myself lately. It’s rather freeing.” He continued forward, reaching out to touch Xander’s face.
Xander stood stock still, not daring to move an inch, as it might lead to his premature death. Oh who the hell was he kidding. This was his final night on earth anyway. He snatched himself away from Angelus’ hand. “Don’t touch me. I gave you what you wanted before. A taste. You won’t be getting anything else from me.”
Angelus’ notoriously beautiful face shifted then, to reveal the devil that lived inside him. “I think you’ll give me exactly what I want when I want it. Boy.”
Inside, Xander was quaking, but he spat out, “See? There you go with the whole ‘boy’ thing again. I seriously think you need to see a therapist. Your pedophilia is taking the psycho thing just a little far. Not appealing at all. Didn’t your sire teach you that you could catch more humans with sanity?”
Angelus laughed. “Oh. You’re so much fun. I thought I broke you well enough last time we met. And let me say that that kiss? Was delicious. But this time is going to be so much better. You’ve got a lot of your old spirit back. That spirit Angel loved in you.” He turned introspective. “Yeah. There was a lot about you that Angel liked, that Angel wanted. Too bad he was too much of a pansy to just take it. But then, there was his poor...suffering...soul.”
It was Xander’s turn to laugh. “God. You’re really good, I gotta give you credit. Only one thing, Angel hated me. Put up with me because I was Buffy’s friend, but he hated me. I made sure he did. Never did trust him. I mean, he was a vampire! Well. You know!”
“Ahh, precious. So much you don’t know. Angel wanted you, was jealous of you.”
“Whatever. I have work to do. Are you going to harrass me all night, or can I get to work?”
“Let me guess. Your boss wanted you to check out vandals? Where you work?” Angelus circled Xander, making him dizzy and nauseated with the effort to follow.
“Yeah. What? You gonna tell me that the vandals were actually just you?”
“No. I wouldn’t stoop so low as all that. I just made the call. To you.”
“Oh. You pretended to be my boss to get me out here, and I’m just getting this now. Dammit. I should have known my boss wasn’t that stupid.”
“No, he was that stupid. I made the call from his office. After I ate him. And oh, he tasted pretty damn good, let me tell ya, Xander. I wish I could share that with you.” Angelus lowered his head, smiling that dangerous smile that Xander knew meant trouble. “And I will, before the night is out.”
“What? You gonna kill me now?”
“No. That’s gonna take a little longer.” He reached forward, snatching Xander by his hair and pulling him away, down the dark alley before Xander even had time to scream. Clapping a hand over Xander’s mouth, he whispered, “Now now, boy, no screaming. I’ve been mighty goddam patient with you. Hiding from me, not going out except in the daylight, where you know I can’t go.” He licked a damp trail along Xander’s neck and jaw and ear. “I’m going to take that light away from you, precious. You’ll never walk in daylight again. I hope you said thanks for every day you had, because today was your last.”
Xander started to squirm, trying to maneuver his arms back into his jacket, reaching for the stake he still kept there for just this sort of occurrence. “Ah ahah. None of that, dear boy.” Angelus folded his arm underneath Xander’s, trapping his arms away from his body. “I’ve waited three years for this boy. Kept away from your friends, well, not away but not killing them either. And now, I finally have you. You’ll be mine, precious. In every way I can think of. Mind, body, blood. It will all be mine.”
Xander remembered the moment he broke the last time. It had taken the dead kiss of despair, but he remembered feeling the fight leave him three years ago. In the subsequent three years, he’d rebuilt himself. It had started with leaving the good fight to the others. It continued with excelling in high school and going to college, culminated in the job he now did while attending school. He was a new man.
But underneath the newness, the old still shined through. Xander was still the white knight, albeit retired. He was still that little boy, teenager, who had lost his three closest friends. It would never again take as much to break him as that year had. This moment, caught in Angelus’ grasp, he knew all that he’d accomplished had been for naught.
He was 20 years old, and in all the lessons he’d learned, this one would be the longest lasting. There is no way to rebuild when the monsters break you. He gave up fighting, dropped his arms, closed his eyes. There was no where else to be.
“That’s my boy.” Then he felt the deep muscle pain of fangs tearing at his throat, and the slightly sexual pull of blood from his veins. He felt it all fading away, everything he knew, everything he felt, everything he hoped to be. It all went sliding out of his skin into a cool mouth, onto a soft sliding tongue, down the throat of the demon that claimed him three years ago with a kiss of despair. The light from the setting sun finally faded, and Xander closed his eyes in death.
continued in part 3