Fic - J2 - PG - Hard Habit to Break
Title: Hard Habit to Break
Rating: PG totally
Pairing: J2
Disclaimer: I only know Jared, and I don't think he'd approve of what I'm making him do here.
Word Count: 3,460
Summary: It never occurred to him when he moved in that Jared's and his life would become so routine. But that's exactly what happened. Life with Jared became a habit. A good habit, but a habit nonetheless.
Notes: Written for the rockin_the_80s comm. Song: Hard Habit to Break by Chicago.
It never occurred to him when he moved in that Jared’s and his lives would become so routine. Wake up, run the dogs, grab some coffee, shower, dress, head in to work, come home, grab a beer and something to eat, chill out in front of the tv playing video games or sitting quietly strumming guitars when the day was hard. But that’s exactly what happened. Life with Jared became a habit. A good habit, but a habit nonetheless.
Jensen often thought, once he realized how habitually he was living now with his best friend, that routine was a good thing. Kept life on an even keel, nothing too emotionally distressing, no arguments or screaming matches, no hard feelings between himself and Jared. He began to take that routine for granted: walking around the house in his boxers, leaving dishes in the sink to be done later, waiting for Jared to sit his big ass down before starting a movie or whatever. The sameness of it, the familiarity, hid insidious developments toward an emotional investment Jensen wasn’t even aware he was ready to make.
At the start of their cohabitation, if a routine was blown off, Jensen didn’t mind so much, just shrugging it off and spending the night alone with the dogs or t.v. or whatever. However, over the course of months, Jensen’s dependence on that routine grew, until unbeknownst to himself or Jared, his reactions to variations in their routine were more intense than either of them were prepared for. Toward the end of the first year of their living together, if Jared decided to stay on set longer to get some coverage done, if he wanted to hang with the crew instead of heading home, then Jensen would end up sitting alone on the couch, beer in hand, petting the dogs, and wondering when Jared would get his freakishly long ass home. And that was definitely a different scenario than what would happen at the beginning.
It wasn’t anything threatening or overtly indicative of any particular feeling; just…different.
Then one day, the safe, normal, comforting routine Jensen and Jared shared ended.
It had been a rough day on set, Sam and Dean fighting with each other, raking each other over the coals, and putting themselves through the emotional ringer. Jared was knocking scenes out of the park, and so was Jensen, but the emotional distance between the brothers had made a physical distance between the costars almost mandatory. The character bleed was too intense. When the day’s shoot was over, and Cliff had arrived to pick them up, it was by silent agreement that they remained quiet in the truck all the way home.
Cliff pulled up to the house and dropped them off with a “Same time in the morning, guys,” and they’d nodded, said their thank yous and headed inside. Jensen immediately went to the kitchen for a couple of beers, while Jared headed upstairs. Settling down into the sofa and setting the two beers on the table, Jensen glanced up when he heard Jared shout down from the top of the stairs, “Hey, dude. I’m gonna head out for a while. Meeting Gen at the bar downtown,” as he shed Sam’s clothes and headed in to shower.
And Jensen was furious. Inexplicably, in the space of a heartbeat, Jensen went from tired and complacent, maybe a little aggravated at Jared’s not sitting down with him, to full on furious at the thought of Jared out with anyone that wasn’t Jensen.
How did he know he was furious? Well, his fingers curled into the sofa cushions so hard the knuckles ached was one clue. Harley’s ears pinned behind his head and the half whimpers coming from Sadie as she crouched down in front of him were two more clues.
“ - could come along?”
When he heard the last half of Jared’s fading question, Jensen knew for sure ‘miffed’ wasn’t the word for what he felt at the moment. He deliberately loosened the tight knuckled fists his hands had formed, and focused his attention again on the disembodied voice coming from the second floor hallway.
“Hey, dude! Did you hear me?” Jared shouted down, returning to the top of the stairs.
“Nah, man. What?” Jensen said, then swallowed thickly before looking up at Jared.
“I said, doofus, that you could come along, if you wanted to.” Jared sniffed and swiped a hand over his face. “I know Sam and Dean are having a bit of trouble right now, but us...we’re good.” He looked down at Jensen. “Right?”
And in that moment, Jensen knew they weren’t. Not the way they had been. He’d known from the start that moving in with Jared would be a mistake, only he’d thought it would have ended their close friendship. In a way he was right, and in another way - a more important way - he’d been totally wrong. Magnificently wrong. Yeah, Jared and Jensen were still friends. He would even go so far as to say that Jared loved him, that there were brothers who weren’t as close as they were. But living with Jared had made one thing glaringly obvious for Jensen. It was too easy to love Jared. Too easy to fall for him. And though it had happened in increments, Jensen had fallen irreconcilably in love with Jared. This was a disaster.
The last place Jensen wanted to be was hanging out with Jared as he sealed the deal with their very petite, dark, and admittedly sexy co-star. He took a deep breath.
“Jensen?”
Not even those puppy eyes could get Jensen to want to go. “Jay, honestly, dude. It’s been a hard day. I’m just gonna veg out right here, maybe play some Madden, drink a few, and head to bed.”
“Oh.” Jared blinked down at him, then shook off his confusion. “I thought…” He waved a hand. “Never mind. Anyway,” he said, turning again to head for the shower, “I”ll probably be late. I know you’re tired, so don’t wait up.”
Jensen stared at the now empty hallway. “Yeah, okay,” he said wiping his jaw. “What would be the point?” He knew he had to leave.
*****
It had taken several days, but a determined Jensen was hell to reckon with, and the realtor worked overtime to find him a suitable property. Within three weeks, he had his things packed and out of Jared’s house. It was bittersweet, leaving the house that in just a few short months had grown into a home, but Jensen knew it was time to go. He stood in the living room with a garment bag draped over one shoulder, and a duffle bag hanging off the other. Jared stood before him, barefoot, in a t-shirt and sweats, having only just stepped out of the shower after his morning run.
“I know all your stuff’s already at the new place, but, Jensen, are you sure?” he asked, running an anxious hand through his thick hair.
Jensen forced a laugh and hoped it didn’t sound as fake to Jared as it did to himself. “Dude. Come on,” he said, ducking his head, avoiding Jared’s gaze. “Yeah. I’m sure. I just…You need your own space, man. You and Gen are hitting it off. Who knows, you might have another roomie before you know it.” He plastered a smile on his face before it cracked in two having uttered those words.
Jared took a determined step forward. “Is that why you’re goin’? ‘Cause of Genevieve? Jen, you gotta know,”
Jensen shook his head. “No, Jay. That’s not the reason. Look, it’s just time for me to go. Let you do your thing without me underfoot. This is your house, Jay, and I know you’re proud of it and you love me and all, but, dude. I want one too.” Another forced laugh. “Like you’re the only one allowed to be an adult?”
Jared smacked him in the arm. “Fine. But if I ever find out you’re leaving ‘cause of some bullshit thing, I’mma kick your ass. You know that right?”
This time, the laughter was genuine. “Yeah, Jay, I know. Bring it on, Sasquatch,” Jensen said. Then he turned to the door. “Look,” he started.
“I know, man. Ya gotta go,” Jared said. “And it ain’t like I won’t see ya. So, come ‘ere,” he said, and wrapped one of his long arms around Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen closed his eyes and breathed in deep the smell of a clean Jared, clothes fresh from the laundry, and hair still damp with shower water. Tentatively, he wrapped an arm around Jared’s waist and returned the hug.
Jared continued, “If you need anything, you know where I am. And don’t forget the kids.”
And another chuckle escaped Jensen. “I won’t,” he whispered and proved he wouldn’t forget Sadie and Harley by calling them over and giving them both wet, sloppy kisses goodbye. “’Bye, ya mutts,” he said into their fur, “Take care of daddy.” Rising again, he smacked Jared on the arm, saying, “See ya.” Then he opened the door, and walked out of the only place he’d been able to call home since he left Richardson and his family in Texas.
*****
Work went on as usual. Jared and Jensen were still on fire on camera; Sam and Dean truly the bread and butter of their careers. Hiatuses went by, and they went home separately, keeping in contact over the phone and by texting. If they weren’t at home over the hiatus, they were working on individual projects: movies and plays that took them far enough away from the everyday as they could get.
In June, they came back on set, worked their asses off, joked around and reconnected.
Jensen was glad to have the time with Jared. He didn’t regret moving out of the house, because in doing so, he’d managed to hold onto some semblance of what they had started out with. Yeah, there was the spectre of his feelings for Jared hanging over his head, but those feelings weren’t a huge deal, Jensen liked to think.
Their routine reestablished itself. Work all day, hang out during breaks, grab a beer after work, play some video games or darts, or whatever until time to go home, grab a lift from Cliff and grin while they said goodnight; then in the morning, they’d start all over again. Only one thing was noticeably different.
They didn’t get too close, like they had before Jensen moved out of their house. If he felt himself slipping back into that all too familiar place, he could always - and often did - pull back without question from Jared. It was uncanny, the way Jared still knew just when Jensen needed a moment, some iota of time away from everything around them.
Jensen could remember Jared doing that before. As though he had an in with Jensen’s brain, and knew when Jensen was about to blow a gasket. “Dude, I’m going to leave you alone for a bit. You look ready to kill someone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen eyebrows eat a nose like yours are doing right now.”
And Jensen would look up, startled, and say, “Ya see, Jay, that right there? That’s why we’re friends. You just get me.”
Jared would grin and say, “That’s cuz I’m the Jared and your friend. It’s my job, dude.”
That connection, despite not living together anymore, was still strong between them. Jensen was glad to see it, to feel it, again. But he should have known that the routine wouldn’t last.
Another hard day, only for totally different reasons now. The show was ending. Filming on the last few episodes had been rife with emotion: anger, frustration, sadness, loss, love. All the feelings that Jensen preferred to keep bottled up he’d been having to bleed all over into film. He was tired, beyond tired, actually. Exhausted was putting it mildly. Weary, drained, more than ready to be done with the whole thing, Jensen sat in his director’s chair, listening to his Ipod and playing on his PSP. As Jared used to say, he was ‘in the zone.’
Jared wasn’t much better, and as always instead of retreating into himself, the giant lug was bouncing all over the place. Running around with that damned glue gun, slurping up sour strings of gummy candies, laughing too loud and too long. Basically, Jared was being a nuisance. At that moment, he was sitting in the director’s chair next to Jensen’s and chewing on the last fingernail he had left.
Snick. Snick. Tck.
Jensen listened to already short fingernails being whittled down to bloody nubs. When Jared started to chew on the hangnails on the sides of his fingers, Jensen snapped. “Dude! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
Startled, Jared popped his head around, and surreptitiously wiped his damp fingers on the legs of jeans. “What? Nothing’s wrong with me, man. What the hell are you yelling for?”
Jensen sighed. “You’ve been munching away on the same nail for the last thirty minutes. If, and I think that’s a big if, there’s anything left of it, it’s got to be bleeding by now.”
“Oh sorry. I just…It’s…” He trailed off and sighed heavily, then turned in his chair to stare at Jen, resolved. “Okay. The shows ending, and I don’t have anything better lined up yet. So yeah, I’m a little nervous, but it’s more than that.”
Jensen cocked an eyebrow. “Duh. What’s up?”
Jared checked his watch, and Jensen frowned. “They’re still setting up the lighting, you know how long that takes. We got time, dude.”
“I don’t know, Jen. Phil said an hour, and…I think we’ll be longer than that, ya know?” Jared said, shaking his head.
“No, Jay, I don’t know, because you won’t say anything. What the hell is so important that we’ll be talking, god forbid, for more than an hour.”
Jared shook his head, an intensity in his eyes Jensen had never seen before.
“Okay then. You’ll talk for about ten minutes, I’ll listen, then it’ll take precisely eight and one half minutes for me to wipe the floor with your long, lanky ass, and we’ll still be on time for the shot.” Jensen grinned. “I don’t see a problem here.”
“One,” Jared started, glaring, “You couldn’t kick my ass at all, much less in eight minutes, and two, I don’t think we’ll be fighting either.” He sighed. “Look, I…”
When he trailed off and stared at the ground, unblinking, Jensen waited a few seconds for him to continue, when Jared just heaved a sigh and closed his eyes, Jensen said, “You what?” a gentle prod.
Jared swallowed, a thick sound Jensen heard and winced in sympathy. Then, barely a whisper, “I missed you.”
It was Jensen’s turn to swallow. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
And those mossy eyes, wide and sincere and heated, pinned Jensen in his chair. “I. Missed you.”
“Oh.” And what else could he say? He’d figured Jared would miss him when he moved out, but they were adults. Jared could just put on his big boy underroos and get over it! He had! Okay, sort of. So what? He cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean…”
“Nah, dude, I know. But see, I got used to you being there, to you being around, and then you weren’t any more. I mean,” Jared turned to look at Jensen, calm but again, those eyes were full of emotion. “when you moved in, yeah, it was an adjustment. But I swear, Jen, I thought you be there forever. Like you just sort of fit when no one else ever had.”
Oh god. Jensen swallowed again. Eyes wide, he could only listen as Jared got out what had been bugging him.
“You’re my friend, and you living with me was just supposed to be this favor I was doing for you and we’d get along and be closer friends, and I could still have my life, and you’d still have yours and we’d just be roomies, right?”
Jensen could only nod, because if he spoke, he’d call that the lie it was, at least for him.
Jared turned away, staring off into the set, eyes flickering over everything that wouldn’t be there shortly, and Jensen suddenly wanted them back on him, wanted to feel that gaze sliding over him again. He opened his mouth to speak, look at me, but Jared said, “We weren’t just friends when you left, were we?”
“No.” The word was out before Jensen could stop it, and he clamped his mouth absolutely shut so nothing else could escape.
Jared chuckled, a dry sound that was nothing like laughter. “I didn’t know it at the time, though,” he said. “I thought you were telling the truth at the time. It’s the only reason I didn’t put up a fight to keep you, even though I wanted to.”
“Jay. Buddy, what, exactly, are you trying to say here?”
“Move back in with me, Jen. I mean, I know, now, why you left. And I tried, I really tried to live without you. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve learned to live by myself again, but I don’t want to do it anymore. It wasn’t easy to do right after you left; I’d gotten used to you. But it hasn’t gotten any easier in the last year. I honestly didn’t think it would be so hard, living without you. But I figured something out about you. Or about me.”
“And what is that?”
“I…I’m….” He heaved a sigh and met Jensen’s gaze straight on. “I’m addicted to you. I didn’t know it at the time and I tried to live with you gone, but you? Jensen, once you were in…” he shrugged. “Once you were in, that was it. It took me a while, but I figured it out. You’re a hard habit to break, Jensen, and I guess I just don’t want to.”
Jensen frowned. “You’re addicted to me?” He wasn’t sure how he felt about being an addiction, even less sure about being a habit. Though in all honesty, it was the reason he’d left their home to begin with. He knew what it was to be addicted to someone, to want them with every fiber of his being and know it would never happen. But for him, there’d been other feelings. He couldn’t just be anyone addiction. There had to be something more. “In what way?”
“Yeah, I don’t …” Jared sniffed, “In the way that I don’t want to live without you. In the way that I want you there, next to me, when I wake up in the morning. In the way that I haven’t…Jesus Christ, Jen. In the way that I….” He stood up abruptly, agitated, and stalked back and forth in front of their chairs.
Jensen watched him pace back and forth a couple of times, waiting for him to finish his statement. When Jared remained silent, just pacing, he said, “Jared?”
Suddenly, Jared stopped pacing, turned and faced Jensen and said, low and quiet, “In the way that…I…I love you.”
Jensen stared up at him. “Wh…what?”
Jared cocked his head, a small smile playing about his mouth. “Are you really going to make me say that again. I mean, I’m a guy. It’s hard enough saying it the first time.” Jensen continued to stare up at him, quiet. “Jen? Please. Say something?”
Jensen closed his mouth, narrowed his eyes and glared up at Jared. “How long?” he asked.
“How long, what?”
“How long have you…felt…this way?”
“I think,” Jared whispered, “a long time. A really long time. I just…dude, I just didn’t know it. I was so wrapped up in the fact that you were my best friend. Closer than anybody else, and it never…it just never occurred to me that it was more. At least not until you were gone. And then, one morning it just sort of smacked me in the face.”
At Jared’s confession Jensen’s anger dissipated. He knew that rush of realization. Remembered it as clearly as though it were yesterday, when it had actually been a little over a year now. He chuckled. “Hurt didn’t it? I know it did me.”
Jared stared at him, narrow eyed, and thinking until Jensen’s meaning became clear. Then he let that beautiful grin stretch over his mouth and into his eyes, and Jensen had to laugh at the wonder in those muddy green eyes.
“So,” Jared said as he leaned forward, “that mean what I think it means?”
Jensen rolled his eyes. “Yeah,” he whispered and rested his hand on Jared’s shoulder, pulling him forward, “it does.” And he kissed him.
Rating: PG totally
Pairing: J2
Disclaimer: I only know Jared, and I don't think he'd approve of what I'm making him do here.
Word Count: 3,460
Summary: It never occurred to him when he moved in that Jared's and his life would become so routine. But that's exactly what happened. Life with Jared became a habit. A good habit, but a habit nonetheless.
Notes: Written for the rockin_the_80s comm. Song: Hard Habit to Break by Chicago.
It never occurred to him when he moved in that Jared’s and his lives would become so routine. Wake up, run the dogs, grab some coffee, shower, dress, head in to work, come home, grab a beer and something to eat, chill out in front of the tv playing video games or sitting quietly strumming guitars when the day was hard. But that’s exactly what happened. Life with Jared became a habit. A good habit, but a habit nonetheless.
Jensen often thought, once he realized how habitually he was living now with his best friend, that routine was a good thing. Kept life on an even keel, nothing too emotionally distressing, no arguments or screaming matches, no hard feelings between himself and Jared. He began to take that routine for granted: walking around the house in his boxers, leaving dishes in the sink to be done later, waiting for Jared to sit his big ass down before starting a movie or whatever. The sameness of it, the familiarity, hid insidious developments toward an emotional investment Jensen wasn’t even aware he was ready to make.
At the start of their cohabitation, if a routine was blown off, Jensen didn’t mind so much, just shrugging it off and spending the night alone with the dogs or t.v. or whatever. However, over the course of months, Jensen’s dependence on that routine grew, until unbeknownst to himself or Jared, his reactions to variations in their routine were more intense than either of them were prepared for. Toward the end of the first year of their living together, if Jared decided to stay on set longer to get some coverage done, if he wanted to hang with the crew instead of heading home, then Jensen would end up sitting alone on the couch, beer in hand, petting the dogs, and wondering when Jared would get his freakishly long ass home. And that was definitely a different scenario than what would happen at the beginning.
It wasn’t anything threatening or overtly indicative of any particular feeling; just…different.
Then one day, the safe, normal, comforting routine Jensen and Jared shared ended.
It had been a rough day on set, Sam and Dean fighting with each other, raking each other over the coals, and putting themselves through the emotional ringer. Jared was knocking scenes out of the park, and so was Jensen, but the emotional distance between the brothers had made a physical distance between the costars almost mandatory. The character bleed was too intense. When the day’s shoot was over, and Cliff had arrived to pick them up, it was by silent agreement that they remained quiet in the truck all the way home.
Cliff pulled up to the house and dropped them off with a “Same time in the morning, guys,” and they’d nodded, said their thank yous and headed inside. Jensen immediately went to the kitchen for a couple of beers, while Jared headed upstairs. Settling down into the sofa and setting the two beers on the table, Jensen glanced up when he heard Jared shout down from the top of the stairs, “Hey, dude. I’m gonna head out for a while. Meeting Gen at the bar downtown,” as he shed Sam’s clothes and headed in to shower.
And Jensen was furious. Inexplicably, in the space of a heartbeat, Jensen went from tired and complacent, maybe a little aggravated at Jared’s not sitting down with him, to full on furious at the thought of Jared out with anyone that wasn’t Jensen.
How did he know he was furious? Well, his fingers curled into the sofa cushions so hard the knuckles ached was one clue. Harley’s ears pinned behind his head and the half whimpers coming from Sadie as she crouched down in front of him were two more clues.
“ - could come along?”
When he heard the last half of Jared’s fading question, Jensen knew for sure ‘miffed’ wasn’t the word for what he felt at the moment. He deliberately loosened the tight knuckled fists his hands had formed, and focused his attention again on the disembodied voice coming from the second floor hallway.
“Hey, dude! Did you hear me?” Jared shouted down, returning to the top of the stairs.
“Nah, man. What?” Jensen said, then swallowed thickly before looking up at Jared.
“I said, doofus, that you could come along, if you wanted to.” Jared sniffed and swiped a hand over his face. “I know Sam and Dean are having a bit of trouble right now, but us...we’re good.” He looked down at Jensen. “Right?”
And in that moment, Jensen knew they weren’t. Not the way they had been. He’d known from the start that moving in with Jared would be a mistake, only he’d thought it would have ended their close friendship. In a way he was right, and in another way - a more important way - he’d been totally wrong. Magnificently wrong. Yeah, Jared and Jensen were still friends. He would even go so far as to say that Jared loved him, that there were brothers who weren’t as close as they were. But living with Jared had made one thing glaringly obvious for Jensen. It was too easy to love Jared. Too easy to fall for him. And though it had happened in increments, Jensen had fallen irreconcilably in love with Jared. This was a disaster.
The last place Jensen wanted to be was hanging out with Jared as he sealed the deal with their very petite, dark, and admittedly sexy co-star. He took a deep breath.
“Jensen?”
Not even those puppy eyes could get Jensen to want to go. “Jay, honestly, dude. It’s been a hard day. I’m just gonna veg out right here, maybe play some Madden, drink a few, and head to bed.”
“Oh.” Jared blinked down at him, then shook off his confusion. “I thought…” He waved a hand. “Never mind. Anyway,” he said, turning again to head for the shower, “I”ll probably be late. I know you’re tired, so don’t wait up.”
Jensen stared at the now empty hallway. “Yeah, okay,” he said wiping his jaw. “What would be the point?” He knew he had to leave.
*****
It had taken several days, but a determined Jensen was hell to reckon with, and the realtor worked overtime to find him a suitable property. Within three weeks, he had his things packed and out of Jared’s house. It was bittersweet, leaving the house that in just a few short months had grown into a home, but Jensen knew it was time to go. He stood in the living room with a garment bag draped over one shoulder, and a duffle bag hanging off the other. Jared stood before him, barefoot, in a t-shirt and sweats, having only just stepped out of the shower after his morning run.
“I know all your stuff’s already at the new place, but, Jensen, are you sure?” he asked, running an anxious hand through his thick hair.
Jensen forced a laugh and hoped it didn’t sound as fake to Jared as it did to himself. “Dude. Come on,” he said, ducking his head, avoiding Jared’s gaze. “Yeah. I’m sure. I just…You need your own space, man. You and Gen are hitting it off. Who knows, you might have another roomie before you know it.” He plastered a smile on his face before it cracked in two having uttered those words.
Jared took a determined step forward. “Is that why you’re goin’? ‘Cause of Genevieve? Jen, you gotta know,”
Jensen shook his head. “No, Jay. That’s not the reason. Look, it’s just time for me to go. Let you do your thing without me underfoot. This is your house, Jay, and I know you’re proud of it and you love me and all, but, dude. I want one too.” Another forced laugh. “Like you’re the only one allowed to be an adult?”
Jared smacked him in the arm. “Fine. But if I ever find out you’re leaving ‘cause of some bullshit thing, I’mma kick your ass. You know that right?”
This time, the laughter was genuine. “Yeah, Jay, I know. Bring it on, Sasquatch,” Jensen said. Then he turned to the door. “Look,” he started.
“I know, man. Ya gotta go,” Jared said. “And it ain’t like I won’t see ya. So, come ‘ere,” he said, and wrapped one of his long arms around Jensen’s shoulder.
Jensen closed his eyes and breathed in deep the smell of a clean Jared, clothes fresh from the laundry, and hair still damp with shower water. Tentatively, he wrapped an arm around Jared’s waist and returned the hug.
Jared continued, “If you need anything, you know where I am. And don’t forget the kids.”
And another chuckle escaped Jensen. “I won’t,” he whispered and proved he wouldn’t forget Sadie and Harley by calling them over and giving them both wet, sloppy kisses goodbye. “’Bye, ya mutts,” he said into their fur, “Take care of daddy.” Rising again, he smacked Jared on the arm, saying, “See ya.” Then he opened the door, and walked out of the only place he’d been able to call home since he left Richardson and his family in Texas.
*****
Work went on as usual. Jared and Jensen were still on fire on camera; Sam and Dean truly the bread and butter of their careers. Hiatuses went by, and they went home separately, keeping in contact over the phone and by texting. If they weren’t at home over the hiatus, they were working on individual projects: movies and plays that took them far enough away from the everyday as they could get.
In June, they came back on set, worked their asses off, joked around and reconnected.
Jensen was glad to have the time with Jared. He didn’t regret moving out of the house, because in doing so, he’d managed to hold onto some semblance of what they had started out with. Yeah, there was the spectre of his feelings for Jared hanging over his head, but those feelings weren’t a huge deal, Jensen liked to think.
Their routine reestablished itself. Work all day, hang out during breaks, grab a beer after work, play some video games or darts, or whatever until time to go home, grab a lift from Cliff and grin while they said goodnight; then in the morning, they’d start all over again. Only one thing was noticeably different.
They didn’t get too close, like they had before Jensen moved out of their house. If he felt himself slipping back into that all too familiar place, he could always - and often did - pull back without question from Jared. It was uncanny, the way Jared still knew just when Jensen needed a moment, some iota of time away from everything around them.
Jensen could remember Jared doing that before. As though he had an in with Jensen’s brain, and knew when Jensen was about to blow a gasket. “Dude, I’m going to leave you alone for a bit. You look ready to kill someone. I don’t think I’ve ever seen eyebrows eat a nose like yours are doing right now.”
And Jensen would look up, startled, and say, “Ya see, Jay, that right there? That’s why we’re friends. You just get me.”
Jared would grin and say, “That’s cuz I’m the Jared and your friend. It’s my job, dude.”
That connection, despite not living together anymore, was still strong between them. Jensen was glad to see it, to feel it, again. But he should have known that the routine wouldn’t last.
Another hard day, only for totally different reasons now. The show was ending. Filming on the last few episodes had been rife with emotion: anger, frustration, sadness, loss, love. All the feelings that Jensen preferred to keep bottled up he’d been having to bleed all over into film. He was tired, beyond tired, actually. Exhausted was putting it mildly. Weary, drained, more than ready to be done with the whole thing, Jensen sat in his director’s chair, listening to his Ipod and playing on his PSP. As Jared used to say, he was ‘in the zone.’
Jared wasn’t much better, and as always instead of retreating into himself, the giant lug was bouncing all over the place. Running around with that damned glue gun, slurping up sour strings of gummy candies, laughing too loud and too long. Basically, Jared was being a nuisance. At that moment, he was sitting in the director’s chair next to Jensen’s and chewing on the last fingernail he had left.
Snick. Snick. Tck.
Jensen listened to already short fingernails being whittled down to bloody nubs. When Jared started to chew on the hangnails on the sides of his fingers, Jensen snapped. “Dude! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”
Startled, Jared popped his head around, and surreptitiously wiped his damp fingers on the legs of jeans. “What? Nothing’s wrong with me, man. What the hell are you yelling for?”
Jensen sighed. “You’ve been munching away on the same nail for the last thirty minutes. If, and I think that’s a big if, there’s anything left of it, it’s got to be bleeding by now.”
“Oh sorry. I just…It’s…” He trailed off and sighed heavily, then turned in his chair to stare at Jen, resolved. “Okay. The shows ending, and I don’t have anything better lined up yet. So yeah, I’m a little nervous, but it’s more than that.”
Jensen cocked an eyebrow. “Duh. What’s up?”
Jared checked his watch, and Jensen frowned. “They’re still setting up the lighting, you know how long that takes. We got time, dude.”
“I don’t know, Jen. Phil said an hour, and…I think we’ll be longer than that, ya know?” Jared said, shaking his head.
“No, Jay, I don’t know, because you won’t say anything. What the hell is so important that we’ll be talking, god forbid, for more than an hour.”
Jared shook his head, an intensity in his eyes Jensen had never seen before.
“Okay then. You’ll talk for about ten minutes, I’ll listen, then it’ll take precisely eight and one half minutes for me to wipe the floor with your long, lanky ass, and we’ll still be on time for the shot.” Jensen grinned. “I don’t see a problem here.”
“One,” Jared started, glaring, “You couldn’t kick my ass at all, much less in eight minutes, and two, I don’t think we’ll be fighting either.” He sighed. “Look, I…”
When he trailed off and stared at the ground, unblinking, Jensen waited a few seconds for him to continue, when Jared just heaved a sigh and closed his eyes, Jensen said, “You what?” a gentle prod.
Jared swallowed, a thick sound Jensen heard and winced in sympathy. Then, barely a whisper, “I missed you.”
It was Jensen’s turn to swallow. “I’m sorry, what did you say?”
And those mossy eyes, wide and sincere and heated, pinned Jensen in his chair. “I. Missed you.”
“Oh.” And what else could he say? He’d figured Jared would miss him when he moved out, but they were adults. Jared could just put on his big boy underroos and get over it! He had! Okay, sort of. So what? He cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean…”
“Nah, dude, I know. But see, I got used to you being there, to you being around, and then you weren’t any more. I mean,” Jared turned to look at Jensen, calm but again, those eyes were full of emotion. “when you moved in, yeah, it was an adjustment. But I swear, Jen, I thought you be there forever. Like you just sort of fit when no one else ever had.”
Oh god. Jensen swallowed again. Eyes wide, he could only listen as Jared got out what had been bugging him.
“You’re my friend, and you living with me was just supposed to be this favor I was doing for you and we’d get along and be closer friends, and I could still have my life, and you’d still have yours and we’d just be roomies, right?”
Jensen could only nod, because if he spoke, he’d call that the lie it was, at least for him.
Jared turned away, staring off into the set, eyes flickering over everything that wouldn’t be there shortly, and Jensen suddenly wanted them back on him, wanted to feel that gaze sliding over him again. He opened his mouth to speak, look at me, but Jared said, “We weren’t just friends when you left, were we?”
“No.” The word was out before Jensen could stop it, and he clamped his mouth absolutely shut so nothing else could escape.
Jared chuckled, a dry sound that was nothing like laughter. “I didn’t know it at the time, though,” he said. “I thought you were telling the truth at the time. It’s the only reason I didn’t put up a fight to keep you, even though I wanted to.”
“Jay. Buddy, what, exactly, are you trying to say here?”
“Move back in with me, Jen. I mean, I know, now, why you left. And I tried, I really tried to live without you. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve learned to live by myself again, but I don’t want to do it anymore. It wasn’t easy to do right after you left; I’d gotten used to you. But it hasn’t gotten any easier in the last year. I honestly didn’t think it would be so hard, living without you. But I figured something out about you. Or about me.”
“And what is that?”
“I…I’m….” He heaved a sigh and met Jensen’s gaze straight on. “I’m addicted to you. I didn’t know it at the time and I tried to live with you gone, but you? Jensen, once you were in…” he shrugged. “Once you were in, that was it. It took me a while, but I figured it out. You’re a hard habit to break, Jensen, and I guess I just don’t want to.”
Jensen frowned. “You’re addicted to me?” He wasn’t sure how he felt about being an addiction, even less sure about being a habit. Though in all honesty, it was the reason he’d left their home to begin with. He knew what it was to be addicted to someone, to want them with every fiber of his being and know it would never happen. But for him, there’d been other feelings. He couldn’t just be anyone addiction. There had to be something more. “In what way?”
“Yeah, I don’t …” Jared sniffed, “In the way that I don’t want to live without you. In the way that I want you there, next to me, when I wake up in the morning. In the way that I haven’t…Jesus Christ, Jen. In the way that I….” He stood up abruptly, agitated, and stalked back and forth in front of their chairs.
Jensen watched him pace back and forth a couple of times, waiting for him to finish his statement. When Jared remained silent, just pacing, he said, “Jared?”
Suddenly, Jared stopped pacing, turned and faced Jensen and said, low and quiet, “In the way that…I…I love you.”
Jensen stared up at him. “Wh…what?”
Jared cocked his head, a small smile playing about his mouth. “Are you really going to make me say that again. I mean, I’m a guy. It’s hard enough saying it the first time.” Jensen continued to stare up at him, quiet. “Jen? Please. Say something?”
Jensen closed his mouth, narrowed his eyes and glared up at Jared. “How long?” he asked.
“How long, what?”
“How long have you…felt…this way?”
“I think,” Jared whispered, “a long time. A really long time. I just…dude, I just didn’t know it. I was so wrapped up in the fact that you were my best friend. Closer than anybody else, and it never…it just never occurred to me that it was more. At least not until you were gone. And then, one morning it just sort of smacked me in the face.”
At Jared’s confession Jensen’s anger dissipated. He knew that rush of realization. Remembered it as clearly as though it were yesterday, when it had actually been a little over a year now. He chuckled. “Hurt didn’t it? I know it did me.”
Jared stared at him, narrow eyed, and thinking until Jensen’s meaning became clear. Then he let that beautiful grin stretch over his mouth and into his eyes, and Jensen had to laugh at the wonder in those muddy green eyes.
“So,” Jared said as he leaned forward, “that mean what I think it means?”
Jensen rolled his eyes. “Yeah,” he whispered and rested his hand on Jared’s shoulder, pulling him forward, “it does.” And he kissed him.