'cause I know I am worth it and you should too, happy go-fuck-yourself day!

[altruistic]

I had a kind of revelation last night, if you can call it that. I just realized that I really do deserve a fair amount from life. I also recognized the fact that I often don't get what I deserve, because I give people excuses to treat me less than satisfactory. I don't know why I do it, maybe it is because I want to believe that people are generally good and that they don't mean to do what they do or they have good reason for what they've done. I know that this isn't always the case and that I need to stop letting people get off so easily. I don't like confrontation and I don't like being rude or cold in anyway, but I cannot avoid the confrontation in life and sometimes being honest and direct comes off as rude and cold. I want to get my feelings out and for people to respect me the way I should be respected, with no excuse to the contrary. I know I treat people well, for the most part, and when I haven't I have tried to make amends and correct my past actions. It is now time that people treat me as I treat them, with respect. It does get tiring after a while, always caring about people, only for them to show no concern in return. I've noticed that caring, for some people, is more of a convenient thing - either to soften the mood of a situation, manipulate the situation and myself or just to make things copasetic for the time being, so that we can go on avoiding the real issues. This mental and emotional revolution I've been having has largely gone on inside me, without much consequence on the outside, but something changed last night. A bomb from inside exploded out onto the exterior of my life and the bounds of the war are now on the front lines of visible reality. I know that my greatest job in life is to make sure that I am as happy as I can be about my life and myself and to lead a life that is full and eventful. The life I have lead has definitely had its happy moments and its fulfilling ones, but if to look back on it, it hasn't, as a whole, been happy and fulfilling. When I say my greatest job is that of my happiness and life fulfillment, that doesn't give me license to be self centered and ignorant of the world around me, but I do deserve to be much more selfish. I know as a person I wouldn't be happy if I cut off the feelings I feel for people as a whole and the promise I see within many individuals. I also know that I cannot continue the way I have in years past, I need to think more about myself. I cannot do what I want to do, to help, if I am not happy and don't feel content with whom and what I am and what I am doing in my life. I will never feel content if I keep making excuses for people and keep letting people get away with being less to me than I deserve. I will be towards them what they deserve and they should do the same for me. Basically, I don't have the time, energy or desire to deal with those kinds of people any longer. I cannot save everyone, I cannot be everyone’s rock, I cannot heal every wounded soldier, and I cannot keep caring about those who don't care. I am only putting into words and action a necessary self-preservation tactic. This is something I should've realized years ago and maybe I did, but I just haven't been able to put vigorous effort into the fulfillment of that knowledge. So, in the words of a wise friend, this is basically what I am saying, “ I have decided today that I am no longer going to give a shit about people that don't give a fuck about me. I’m not being a self-centered twit, but I need this in my life. So, happy go - fuck - yourself day." Now, if that isn't clear enough for you, I don't think I have anything else to say to you.

Maggie !# I'd rather be working for a paycheck, then waiting to win the lottery. says: (5:14:36 PM)
   I just kinda have to come to these thinsg on my own

Maggie !# I'd rather be working for a paycheck, then waiting to win the lottery. says: (5:14:43 PM)
   and when I do its like, BAM

Johnnyboy- how are you, how have you been, I miss you says: (5:15:53 PM)
   Emeril Lagasse?

Maggie !# I'd rather be working for a paycheck, then waiting to win the lottery. says: (5:16:50 PM)
   he possessed me for a second