This Was...Things....
This was a conversation I had with an ex best friend. We're ex best friends due to growing apart, not a fight or anything. I want to preface by saying this girl is incredibly sweet and nice and she would never do anything vindictive or rude to me on purpose. Having said that, I found this bothersome and a little hurtful.
(I'm pyschopigeon64)
lakishdakleigh
Let me know if this is too personal. have you thought about what you're gonna do about your weight?
pyschopigeon64
well let me ask another question.
why do you ask?
lakishdakleigh
it's something that's been on my mind.
I worry about your quality of life, because of the views that this society holds
and about your health
but really, i just want you to get to a place where you're happy.
pyschopigeon64
what makes you assume that i am not happy because of my weight?
lakishdakleigh
i'm not really. That's why I'm asking
pyschopigeon64
well, you didn't ask if i was unhappy because of my weight. you asked what i'm going to do about it.
lakishdakleigh
i'm sorry. That's not how I meant it
pyschopigeon64
we have not been in touch the way we used to be. you do not know much of how i think nowadays, or how i live my life.
and i promise, i'm not meaning to come off rude here.
i know that you are probably coming from a caring place, however it is difficult for me to accept something like this without being somewhat insulted or hurt.
lakishdakleigh
i'm sorry. I lack tact. I really didn't mean it like you have to do something about it. That was a poor choice of words
pyschopigeon64
over the last year or year and a half i have been changing how i think about the way i look. perhaps becoming more mature about weight and looks. to be honest, even if i lost a hundred pounds, if i wasn't mentally ready for it, it would all be gained back; that's what happened when i was 14 or 15.
i am slowly accepting myself for the way i am and beginning to recognize why i eat unhealthily and what triggers it. i spent so much of my life simply ignoring what i looked like or the way people perceived me. recently, i have begun trying to own it. i use the word "fat" in a positive descriptive manner.
yes, i want to lose weight and be healthy, i always have, that's never been the issue.
getting over all the shit in my life and embedded habits...that is the issue.
and being okay with the idea of myself looking anything but fat is a very difficult concept for me.
i'm almost as afraid of that as i am of staying unhealthy.
but not quite.
lakishdakleigh
I've never had to worry about it myself, so I don't know what you're going through really
pyschopigeon64
as for being happy...i am happier than i've been in ten years because i am actually listening to myself a little. i also get much more deeply sad from time to time because of this. i also reflect upon my life and look at all the shit that has happened with family and friends and i get pissed off and depressed and enraged and i realize...no wonder i went to food as salvation and comfort. i know i haven't had the hardest life but i haven't had the easiest either.
lakishdakleigh
true
pyschopigeon64
i dunno where that came from.
but at least i'm not crying or angry. lol
lakishdakleigh
I really didn't mean to say it that way, either. I looked back and thought, "well that was stupid."
pyschopigeon64
it was indeed.
since i'm being honest, the whole, "worrying about [your] quality of life" thing bothered me.
i know its just an idea from society but...health doesn't automatically dictate happiness.
or rather, weight.
lakishdakleigh
I know that, but I also know how shallow other people are, and how much judgement they can put on a person
pyschopigeon64
yeah. a big part of me does know tha ti am still single because of the way i look.
lakishdakleigh
I never believed you deserved it, and your weight never stopped me from seeing how cool of a person you are, but I've also seen how sad you've gotten because some dick called you ugly.
it's hard for me as a friend to know that that's the way people view fat people.
pyschopigeon64
think how it is for a fat person.
whats fucked up is I used to think that way too.
i would devalue a person because of the way they looked.
thank goodness i've grown out of that.
i mean, i'd never turn them away as a friend but as a potential relationship...yeah.
i have just resigned myself to being single until i'm satisfied enough with the way i look to be comfortable dating and what not.
lakishdakleigh
that was another thing I was worried about, to be honest. I didn't know if you were settling for the people you were sleeping with because you felt like you didn't deserve better. I don't know if that's what you were actually doing, or if this was an underestimation on my part, in which case I'm sorry.
pyschopigeon64
oh no, i'm incredibly picky about who i have sex with. its why i have sex so rarely lulz.
lakishdakleigh
cool
pyschopigeon64
its also why i'm single. i'm really picky about the quality of person i would be in a relationship with.
i have gotten a lot of offers for sex and relationships from guys...they're just not the kind of guys i would want either from.
lakishdakleigh
Like I said, I didn't know
pyschopigeon64
Which is why I'm explaining.
regardless, any true happiness i feel would have to be allowed by me, not any outside person. it can certainly be inspired by an outside person but ultimately embraced by me before i could feel it. if that makes sense.
lakishdakleigh
yeah it does
pyschopigeon64
even if i was skinny if a dick called me ugly, i'd probably still be sad.
lakishdakleigh
good poing
point
pyschopigeon64
try not to worry about me. i feel like its just wasting your time.
lakishdakleigh
Can you see why I am?
pyschopigeon64
because i'm fat?
lakishdakleigh
Because I honestly don't know how happy you are
or i didn't
pyschopigeon64
Okay. Well next time ask me about my happiness.
lakishdakleigh
that's what i meant to do. i already apologized at the way i started that
pyschopigeon64
I know. I am a little bothered still. Its natural.
lakishdakleigh
yeah. can you at least see where I was coming from? I'm not trying to be rude either, you know?
pyschopigeon64
I knew that from the beginning.
I seriously doubt you'd ever be rude for rude's sake like that.
Like she mentions, she doesn't have tact in this respect. And she is ignorant in the subject of being fat or unhealthy. This is why I tried to not get angry or upset and explain how I am. I do think we have grown so far apart that there isn't anything there besides how we were when we were kids. The trouble is we're completely different now.
Thoughts?
(I'm pyschopigeon64)
lakishdakleigh
Let me know if this is too personal. have you thought about what you're gonna do about your weight?
pyschopigeon64
well let me ask another question.
why do you ask?
lakishdakleigh
it's something that's been on my mind.
I worry about your quality of life, because of the views that this society holds
and about your health
but really, i just want you to get to a place where you're happy.
pyschopigeon64
what makes you assume that i am not happy because of my weight?
lakishdakleigh
i'm not really. That's why I'm asking
pyschopigeon64
well, you didn't ask if i was unhappy because of my weight. you asked what i'm going to do about it.
lakishdakleigh
i'm sorry. That's not how I meant it
pyschopigeon64
we have not been in touch the way we used to be. you do not know much of how i think nowadays, or how i live my life.
and i promise, i'm not meaning to come off rude here.
i know that you are probably coming from a caring place, however it is difficult for me to accept something like this without being somewhat insulted or hurt.
lakishdakleigh
i'm sorry. I lack tact. I really didn't mean it like you have to do something about it. That was a poor choice of words
pyschopigeon64
over the last year or year and a half i have been changing how i think about the way i look. perhaps becoming more mature about weight and looks. to be honest, even if i lost a hundred pounds, if i wasn't mentally ready for it, it would all be gained back; that's what happened when i was 14 or 15.
i am slowly accepting myself for the way i am and beginning to recognize why i eat unhealthily and what triggers it. i spent so much of my life simply ignoring what i looked like or the way people perceived me. recently, i have begun trying to own it. i use the word "fat" in a positive descriptive manner.
yes, i want to lose weight and be healthy, i always have, that's never been the issue.
getting over all the shit in my life and embedded habits...that is the issue.
and being okay with the idea of myself looking anything but fat is a very difficult concept for me.
i'm almost as afraid of that as i am of staying unhealthy.
but not quite.
lakishdakleigh
I've never had to worry about it myself, so I don't know what you're going through really
pyschopigeon64
as for being happy...i am happier than i've been in ten years because i am actually listening to myself a little. i also get much more deeply sad from time to time because of this. i also reflect upon my life and look at all the shit that has happened with family and friends and i get pissed off and depressed and enraged and i realize...no wonder i went to food as salvation and comfort. i know i haven't had the hardest life but i haven't had the easiest either.
lakishdakleigh
true
pyschopigeon64
i dunno where that came from.
but at least i'm not crying or angry. lol
lakishdakleigh
I really didn't mean to say it that way, either. I looked back and thought, "well that was stupid."
pyschopigeon64
it was indeed.
since i'm being honest, the whole, "worrying about [your] quality of life" thing bothered me.
i know its just an idea from society but...health doesn't automatically dictate happiness.
or rather, weight.
lakishdakleigh
I know that, but I also know how shallow other people are, and how much judgement they can put on a person
pyschopigeon64
yeah. a big part of me does know tha ti am still single because of the way i look.
lakishdakleigh
I never believed you deserved it, and your weight never stopped me from seeing how cool of a person you are, but I've also seen how sad you've gotten because some dick called you ugly.
it's hard for me as a friend to know that that's the way people view fat people.
pyschopigeon64
think how it is for a fat person.
whats fucked up is I used to think that way too.
i would devalue a person because of the way they looked.
thank goodness i've grown out of that.
i mean, i'd never turn them away as a friend but as a potential relationship...yeah.
i have just resigned myself to being single until i'm satisfied enough with the way i look to be comfortable dating and what not.
lakishdakleigh
that was another thing I was worried about, to be honest. I didn't know if you were settling for the people you were sleeping with because you felt like you didn't deserve better. I don't know if that's what you were actually doing, or if this was an underestimation on my part, in which case I'm sorry.
pyschopigeon64
oh no, i'm incredibly picky about who i have sex with. its why i have sex so rarely lulz.
lakishdakleigh
cool
pyschopigeon64
its also why i'm single. i'm really picky about the quality of person i would be in a relationship with.
i have gotten a lot of offers for sex and relationships from guys...they're just not the kind of guys i would want either from.
lakishdakleigh
Like I said, I didn't know
pyschopigeon64
Which is why I'm explaining.
regardless, any true happiness i feel would have to be allowed by me, not any outside person. it can certainly be inspired by an outside person but ultimately embraced by me before i could feel it. if that makes sense.
lakishdakleigh
yeah it does
pyschopigeon64
even if i was skinny if a dick called me ugly, i'd probably still be sad.
lakishdakleigh
good poing
point
pyschopigeon64
try not to worry about me. i feel like its just wasting your time.
lakishdakleigh
Can you see why I am?
pyschopigeon64
because i'm fat?
lakishdakleigh
Because I honestly don't know how happy you are
or i didn't
pyschopigeon64
Okay. Well next time ask me about my happiness.
lakishdakleigh
that's what i meant to do. i already apologized at the way i started that
pyschopigeon64
I know. I am a little bothered still. Its natural.
lakishdakleigh
yeah. can you at least see where I was coming from? I'm not trying to be rude either, you know?
pyschopigeon64
I knew that from the beginning.
I seriously doubt you'd ever be rude for rude's sake like that.
Like she mentions, she doesn't have tact in this respect. And she is ignorant in the subject of being fat or unhealthy. This is why I tried to not get angry or upset and explain how I am. I do think we have grown so far apart that there isn't anything there besides how we were when we were kids. The trouble is we're completely different now.
Thoughts?