(no subject)
Title-The Department of Parks and Accidental Deaths
Rating-PG? I have no idea to be honest.
Word count-800
Summary-Leslie Knope dies three days before her thirty-fourth birthday, but thankfully, it's only the beginning. A Dead Like Me AU.
Warning-Character deaths. Obviously.
Disclaimer-I own nothing
Author's Note-I was watching Dead Like Me yesterday morning while reading Parks fic and I couldn't help myself. It's been a while since I've written anything and I don't have a beta, so I hope this isn't terrible.
Leslie Knope dies three days before her thirty-fourth birthday, but thankfully, it's only the beginning.
----
“The last thing I remember, is swerving to avoid a dog in the middle of the road. Sometimes when things get too stressful or I have to reap someone I like, I think I maybe should've just hit the dog instead.”
-----
Leslie's first reap was an old woman who kept offering her cookies and milk even as they stood over the woman's lifeless body. Leslie felt so horrible about the entire situation that it took four chocolate chip cookies and three of the pixy stix from her emergency stash to calm her down.
Leslie's second reap was a guy who tried to pinch her butt seconds before accidentally setting himself on fire.
She hadn't felt quite as bad about that one.
----
“I was trying to impress this woman I met in a club with some magic tricks. It was actually going pretty well until my sleeve went up in flames.”
(Tom looks pensive for a second, then shakes his head.)
“Looking back, I probably should've read the whole manual.”
----
Mark Brendanawicz never liked helping his friends move and regretted his decision to buy a pick-up truck almost every day. So when the cute blond at the Parks Department asked for his help getting a bunch of boxes across town, he did it less out of the kindness of his heart and more out of his desire to see her out of those stuffy pantsuits.
Later that day, as he watched them clear the boxes off of his body, Mark kind of wished he'd gotten more from Leslie than just a kiss on the cheek.
----
“That was, without a doubt, the lowest point of my life. I guess I kind of owe Leslie though. If it wasn't for her I'd probably be the same @#$% I was before I died.”
(Mark smiles a little at the camera.)
“That's the thing about Leslie Knope, even after you die she still makes you want to be a better person.”
----
Ann Perkins' boyfriend fell into the pit next to her house and broke both of his legs.
Two months later, when Ann Perkins was showing Leslie Knope just how much of a hazard the pit was, she fell in and broke her neck.
'It figures,' she thought, right before she blacked out.
----
“I was pretty angry with Leslie at first, but I think she was more upset then I was, so I forgave her pretty quickly.”
(Ann shakes her head)
“I just can't seem to stay mad at her. It always feels like kicking a defenseless puppy. Besides, it wasn't like I was going to let a little thing like death get in the way of a burgeoning friendship.”
----
The first thing Leslie remembered after the wreck, was Ron Swanson.
She was standing across the street, staring at the obscene way her car had wrapped itself around the tree, when he appeared beside her. She looked up at the man who'd shaken her hand just a few minutes ago and asked one of the questions that had been weighing on her mind.
“Am I dead?”
Ron reached out a hand and let it hover just above her shoulder. “Yes.”
Leslie was quiet for a second, then asked the question she really wanted to know.
“Will this have any bearing on whether or not I get the job as Deputy Director?”
Twenty-five years later, Leslie still tells the story of the first time she made Ron Swanson smile.
Ron admits to nothing.
----
“How did I die?”
(Ron stops sanding his canoe and stares coolly at the camera.)
“None of your @#$% business.”
----
“Rumor has it, it was auto-erotic asphyxiation.” Tom says, waggling his eyebrows.
Ann rolls her eyes, “You started that rumor.”
“Doesn't mean it's not true!”
Mark frowns thoughtfully, “I think it had something to do with bacon or sausage or something.”
Leslie, who makes it her business to know almost everything, about almost everyone, just smiles and pulls out her organizer.
“Alright guys,” she says as she starts handing out her color-coded post-its, “Let's get down to business.”
----
“Being alive was great and all, but...I don't think I really started living until I died.”
(Leslie smiles brightly.)
“To be honest, if I had the chance to go back in time, I'd still probably swerve to avoid that stupid dog.”
(She looks lost in thought for a second, then frowns.)
“I would make sure to put on my good underwear though. I still hate that they caught me on laundry day.”
The End.