Undeniable
Well guys, I came to the realization that I'm depressed. Probably not severely but enough that would be able to cause me to seclude myself from the world by turning off my light and laying on my bed with my eyes open thinking to myself, "Why am I alive?" I've been covering up my depressed state by continuously making plans with friends of mine and playing video games. They're like drugs: they cover up reality until it's over.
Why am I this way? Because I've come to realize that I've made many mistakes in my life which were easily preventable but I let my pride get the best of me. I originally intended to get a job so I can go to school. Instead, I just worked there part time and wasted my money on video games. I saved absolutely nothing for myself. The year after, I decided to go to school and work. Later, I got stupid with my money and sold something that I felt so proud of buying because I felt I deserved it with all my hard work and I bought it with my own money, my Wii. Then I quit my job for a seasonal job while managing school. Later, much to my surprise, I got laid off of that seasonal job. I've been looking for a job for 3 months now. I still have nothing. I'm paying my bills through fucking credit cards. I'm missing school payments for fucks sake. I'm in a financial crisis. My friends spot me money when I'm short and it makes me feel bad because I know I can't repay them. I feel greedy as if I'm scraping the bottom of a trash can for cans when they do that. Sometimes, I wonder how they even put up with me. I feel terrible when I ask my family for money too. They've supported me through so much and they believed in me. I feel like I've failed them. They gave me money for college, I spent it on material things.
It's really hit me this time. I want to be my own man but I don't want to grow up. Reality scares me. I want to move on but I'm not sure if I have the courage. I think this is the first time I've ever truly felt like this. I don't count my teenage years because I was an attention whore and a poser. I'm not happy. This is the closest I've been to crying since my pre-teen years. I'm seriously considering dropping out of school because I can't afford it. I need a job and nothing has come my way. I've really been trying but I get nothing but rejection.
I think I've realized why I tend to use sarcasm in almost everything I say out of my mouth. I think it's because I'm hiding my own insecurities. I hide the fact that I'm not happy by acting incredibly boisterous and peppy. I've been covering up my failures for far too long. One day, I'd like to play a video game, hang out with friends, or even live life without this weight on my shoulders. So for those of you that actually read this entire thing, this is who I am now. This is my true self. This is the side of me that you don't see. I'm sure some of you have seen me angry, but this me sad. I do have an emotional side. I'm not this cold heartless bastard that make myself to be or attempt to make myself to be. I'm sorry if this entry is too long but I thought it was time that you guys know the truth about me and what's really going on with my life.
Why am I this way? Because I've come to realize that I've made many mistakes in my life which were easily preventable but I let my pride get the best of me. I originally intended to get a job so I can go to school. Instead, I just worked there part time and wasted my money on video games. I saved absolutely nothing for myself. The year after, I decided to go to school and work. Later, I got stupid with my money and sold something that I felt so proud of buying because I felt I deserved it with all my hard work and I bought it with my own money, my Wii. Then I quit my job for a seasonal job while managing school. Later, much to my surprise, I got laid off of that seasonal job. I've been looking for a job for 3 months now. I still have nothing. I'm paying my bills through fucking credit cards. I'm missing school payments for fucks sake. I'm in a financial crisis. My friends spot me money when I'm short and it makes me feel bad because I know I can't repay them. I feel greedy as if I'm scraping the bottom of a trash can for cans when they do that. Sometimes, I wonder how they even put up with me. I feel terrible when I ask my family for money too. They've supported me through so much and they believed in me. I feel like I've failed them. They gave me money for college, I spent it on material things.
It's really hit me this time. I want to be my own man but I don't want to grow up. Reality scares me. I want to move on but I'm not sure if I have the courage. I think this is the first time I've ever truly felt like this. I don't count my teenage years because I was an attention whore and a poser. I'm not happy. This is the closest I've been to crying since my pre-teen years. I'm seriously considering dropping out of school because I can't afford it. I need a job and nothing has come my way. I've really been trying but I get nothing but rejection.
I think I've realized why I tend to use sarcasm in almost everything I say out of my mouth. I think it's because I'm hiding my own insecurities. I hide the fact that I'm not happy by acting incredibly boisterous and peppy. I've been covering up my failures for far too long. One day, I'd like to play a video game, hang out with friends, or even live life without this weight on my shoulders. So for those of you that actually read this entire thing, this is who I am now. This is my true self. This is the side of me that you don't see. I'm sure some of you have seen me angry, but this me sad. I do have an emotional side. I'm not this cold heartless bastard that make myself to be or attempt to make myself to be. I'm sorry if this entry is too long but I thought it was time that you guys know the truth about me and what's really going on with my life.