So much for vows...
I think I lasted about a week of being straight-edge. I'm still drinking and smoking. I guess I don't care enough to quit. At least I'm down to about 2 cigs a day. the end of our lease is coming up soon and I'm stressing about what to do. I was going to go to CA but I'm scared to with all my debt and now because of my reluctance I think it's not even an option anymore. At least not with the roommate I wanted to go with (one of my current roommates). The other 2 roommates I have want to get a house with me and it sounds great, as far as getting a chance to have the backyard I always wanted for my dog. But one of them is barely getting by a lot of the time financially and seems to swing back and forth from motivated to disinterested. I think he'll get by just fine but I don't want to take any chances. Maybe it's not even all that important. I guess I just want to be able to go home and relax. That's what it really comes down to. Here I feel always on edge, always on guard, always worried about something, always trying to avoid fights or having to help somebody with something. I just want to be alone. Maybe I don't really want to be alone, but maybe I have to. At home and elsewhere. At least at work I get paid to deal with people, I know my part and I play it. Outside of work, I just don't know WTF is going on with people I know and I'm tired of trying to understand. I'm just not good at it. I trust people I shouldn't and piss off people accidentally and just basically get into bad situations with every single person I meet eventually. I've got one friend I'd like to keep in touch with and I really don't care much about the rest.
My dad is visiting Saturday. He's running a half-marathon. He wants to give me a cashier's check to go towards my card debt. I'd appreciate the help and desperately want it... maybe not that desperately however. I'm having second thoughts on accepting it. I feel like taking it would be an admittance of not being able to get by on my own. Maybe from his perspective I really can't. From my perspective, well, I'm just complacent that I've made it through the year. He doesn't know what I've been through and I can't even talk to him about it. I guess just because of that alone, I can't accept his help. I can do it myself, but the first step, I think, is for me to get situated in a new place for me alone, away from other peoples' problems so I can focus on my own.
My dad is visiting Saturday. He's running a half-marathon. He wants to give me a cashier's check to go towards my card debt. I'd appreciate the help and desperately want it... maybe not that desperately however. I'm having second thoughts on accepting it. I feel like taking it would be an admittance of not being able to get by on my own. Maybe from his perspective I really can't. From my perspective, well, I'm just complacent that I've made it through the year. He doesn't know what I've been through and I can't even talk to him about it. I guess just because of that alone, I can't accept his help. I can do it myself, but the first step, I think, is for me to get situated in a new place for me alone, away from other peoples' problems so I can focus on my own.