(no subject)
9/12/2008
It’s been forever, so I think now is as good a time as any to begin to update. I have written so little on LJ this past year. Though, I have kept a black composition book, but even writing in that has been sparce this summer. I wrote a lot while I was in Seattle, though. This summer has been a time of restoration and contemplation. I’ve had to get things together and face life head-on and deal with a lot of things that I had supressed or put on the back burner of life.
I’m now sitting in my apartment in LA. I’ve purchased a lap top, I’ve been admited to UCLA, I’ve gotten a credit card. I’ve made advances in life. I have new responsiblities, lots of them. I have to take care of myself more now. I have to keep my kitchen and bathroom clean, do laundry in a facility shared by about 15 different apartments. I have to be pro-active about getting involved with school. I have to figure out my new two year plan, get a job, scheduale graduating on time, plan studying abroad or domestically, and find multiple meaningful internships. I have to discover financial aide and take out a loan to help me pay for school. I need to make preparations for law/graduate school. I need to maintain my relaionships back home, both with my family and my friends. I need to branch out and make new friends, and wow, I know in theory and idiology it should be natural and effortless, but that just isn’t how things work out here in Los Angeles, you need to be pro-active and you need to make it work. Nothing is easy, and it’s very different from Orange County.
However, I am game. I am ready and if there is one theme that has come with this move that happened nearly three weeks ago, it’s a voice that has constantly been whispering, “it’s never going to be any more perfect than it is right now”. I am trying to take those words and live in the moment. I’m more than half way finished with my undergraduate degree. I have worked very hard, I have also received my AA degree . I have worked the entire time I was in college. I have a lot to be proud of, and still more to learn. Two things I would like to work on are to be more punctual at social occasions and to increase my level of self-disipline.
I live in an exciting time and I am happy to be here where I am in life. It has taken a lot of work to get here and all of my descisions, wether mistake or wise choice, have made me the person that I am today. I feel stronger and more confident, more grown up. I’m not alone, I’m just on my own. And I am happy with that.
-------------------------------------------------------
You know, right when I saw him, I had that overwhelming feelings that this guy was going to change my life; and he has, and it has been wonderful, but maybe the mission is over. Perhaps the prophecy is complete. Yet, “he is so confusing, the things he says make me believe that he really does like me, and then other things he says make me believe that I am just a girl that never crosses his mind.”
Sweetheart: It’s been real, and it’s been fun, but now I’m really going to go have fun. I waited for you, but I wasn’t going to wait forever. Seven steps forward and four steps back isn’t good enough, so until you pull it together, I’m really putting myself out there with other people, and this time, I’m playing to win. I’m ready to win and I am worth winning.
“It’s sad to think someone has changed when really, they were never the person you thought they were.”
And if there is one new thing I have learned from reading this quote and thinking about it from another angle… it is okay that you thought they were someone else. Take heart and don’t solely blame yourself. People present themselves in so many intricate and interesting, unique ways, it’s hard to sort out all of the interactions that take place. In naviety, as I child I once believed that there was some ‘equation’ you figure out as you got older and that this magical ‘equation’ would help you analyze a person to see if they were foe or friend; if they were good or dangerous. But, how can you effectively balance giving someone a chance and not becoming a doormat? Where is this invisible threshold? What is the timeline for giving someone enough time to prove themself or hang themself? It always seems like the next person over understands how to judege the limits, but in reality I think everyone is a little unsure they are always doing what is best for them. When is forgiveness appropriate and when is it damaging? We all make mistakes and ‘sorry’ can be a difficult word/feeling, but how do you know when enough is enough? I ask myself that question all the time, and it is often answered with a shrug.
We also can’t forget that our needs come first in relationships. That’s just part of how the game works; no one is immune to it. We’re all making the same clilmb through Maslow’s hierarchy of needs; we are all alone together, literally.
I guess being able to make it through everything that accumulates and addes up to be against you is what is supposed to make love rare and beautiful. The fact that against strange and undefined odds, you have something that you will remember in your past, enjoy and learn from in the present, and that you may or may not be involved with in the future. It’s the moment itself. It’s the present reality and the sweet dependency and enjoyment that you have someone who also doesn’t want to be alone and you’re the person that they would like to be not alone with the most. After all the searching, and even the searching we don’t even realize we are participating in, you find something that works, sould connect and the moment is the epitome of beauty, and part of its beauty is the idea that it may not last forever, so you must therefore enjoy it even more.
Just my thoughts after 4:00 AM on a Friday morning.
Nothing will ever be more perfect than it is right now. We can’t predict the future, all we can do is make the present beautiful, fun, and something to remember.