(no subject)
wow, so it's been a while since i've posted in this. but not a lot of people know about my livejournal, so hence why i'm here. I came here to say that i've realized something about myself. something that i dont know is good or bad. something that i dont know if i like it or not.
I have strong trust issues.
That may seem like no big deal, because i suppose lots of people do. But I'm just noticing it in myself, and the way i carry out relationships. See, i've always been sort of an introvert, i keep things to myself. i dont like to open myself up to many people. and i guess with a relationship, you HAVE to do that. So... when i do, i find myself soon after trying to back away, at all costs.
What i mean by that is... lately I've been backing away from nick. I think he is noticing it too. i mean, he's not doing anything wrong. he's just being himself and is always giving me attnetion. But i am constantly looking for and picking out things that are "wrong" with him or just things that would potentially make the relationship end. I think i'm trying to give myself reasons to back away. but, it just seems stupid to me when i look from outside the picture. Sometimes i think i might even be being mean. who knows. i've been an emotional car crash since i've been here anyways.
also, i am more insecure now than i ever was in my life. maybe it's because of the seriousness of this relationship. maybe it's because I miss everyone back home. Whatever the reason, i have at least one moment every day when i think "wow, i just hate myself" I hate what i look like. i hate how i act. i hate who i am. and it never used to be like this. i get angry at nick's ex girlfriends, even though i never met them. I HATE allison, even though she has only done one thing to upset me. just the fact that nick used to be in love with her kills me. he tells me like everyday that i'm his favorite. and he loves me more than enything. and all that nice boyfriend stuff, so i have no reason to be jealous or angry at him. but, again, i cant help but think thats its all a lie. like he;s gonna just turn around and screw me over. there goes the trust issues again...
i just feel stuck here. like i cant change my life because it's all layed out already...
there's a whole lot in my head right now but im tired of typing.
I have strong trust issues.
That may seem like no big deal, because i suppose lots of people do. But I'm just noticing it in myself, and the way i carry out relationships. See, i've always been sort of an introvert, i keep things to myself. i dont like to open myself up to many people. and i guess with a relationship, you HAVE to do that. So... when i do, i find myself soon after trying to back away, at all costs.
What i mean by that is... lately I've been backing away from nick. I think he is noticing it too. i mean, he's not doing anything wrong. he's just being himself and is always giving me attnetion. But i am constantly looking for and picking out things that are "wrong" with him or just things that would potentially make the relationship end. I think i'm trying to give myself reasons to back away. but, it just seems stupid to me when i look from outside the picture. Sometimes i think i might even be being mean. who knows. i've been an emotional car crash since i've been here anyways.
also, i am more insecure now than i ever was in my life. maybe it's because of the seriousness of this relationship. maybe it's because I miss everyone back home. Whatever the reason, i have at least one moment every day when i think "wow, i just hate myself" I hate what i look like. i hate how i act. i hate who i am. and it never used to be like this. i get angry at nick's ex girlfriends, even though i never met them. I HATE allison, even though she has only done one thing to upset me. just the fact that nick used to be in love with her kills me. he tells me like everyday that i'm his favorite. and he loves me more than enything. and all that nice boyfriend stuff, so i have no reason to be jealous or angry at him. but, again, i cant help but think thats its all a lie. like he;s gonna just turn around and screw me over. there goes the trust issues again...
i just feel stuck here. like i cant change my life because it's all layed out already...
there's a whole lot in my head right now but im tired of typing.