fucked up my life
I have screwed things up pretty badly in my life :(
I have so much.. yet it means so little to me.. I have a good job.. I have a wild car.. I go out all the time.. I have an awsome social life.. yet.. I'd give it all up just for what so many people around me have.. I feel poor while they are rich to me.. im talking up people in relationships.. i have had so many good ones but i fucked them all up coz im an idiot.. and the saying goes you dont know what you have until its gone and now.. its gone.. gone forever.. gone for good i fear.. i used to be able to imagine being in a decent relationship but it has been so long now that i cant even see myself being with anyone ever again.. and that is the only one thing i truly want.. to be able to share my life with someone...
a wise person once told me "Life is worthless unless you have someone to share it with" and i just cant help wondering.. if this is true.. why.. WHY am i still alive? im wasted.. there is so many better people who have so much.. and here i am.. alone.. single.. its really fucking pissing me off! AND I HATE IT SO BLOODY MUCH!!
i cant help thinking.. why me.. and then i just realise.. coz i am me.. and i am worthless. i have nothing to offer anyone that actually means anything but my love.. and nobody will take it.. they act like it is tainted.. as if its a disease.. a disease noone wants to contract.. and if you get to close.. the only thing you can do is run.. run as fast as you can.. and thats what everyone does.. every time i get close to someone there is like an invisible crowbar just prying us apart like a disease cell and a bloodcell being attacked by a white cell.. why must i be a disease cell.. why can i be a normal blood cell like everyone else!? i just want someone to take me as I am.. i just want this... or to end. i just need this pain to end i cant take it any longer! I just cant do it!
sigh..
I have so much.. yet it means so little to me.. I have a good job.. I have a wild car.. I go out all the time.. I have an awsome social life.. yet.. I'd give it all up just for what so many people around me have.. I feel poor while they are rich to me.. im talking up people in relationships.. i have had so many good ones but i fucked them all up coz im an idiot.. and the saying goes you dont know what you have until its gone and now.. its gone.. gone forever.. gone for good i fear.. i used to be able to imagine being in a decent relationship but it has been so long now that i cant even see myself being with anyone ever again.. and that is the only one thing i truly want.. to be able to share my life with someone...
a wise person once told me "Life is worthless unless you have someone to share it with" and i just cant help wondering.. if this is true.. why.. WHY am i still alive? im wasted.. there is so many better people who have so much.. and here i am.. alone.. single.. its really fucking pissing me off! AND I HATE IT SO BLOODY MUCH!!
i cant help thinking.. why me.. and then i just realise.. coz i am me.. and i am worthless. i have nothing to offer anyone that actually means anything but my love.. and nobody will take it.. they act like it is tainted.. as if its a disease.. a disease noone wants to contract.. and if you get to close.. the only thing you can do is run.. run as fast as you can.. and thats what everyone does.. every time i get close to someone there is like an invisible crowbar just prying us apart like a disease cell and a bloodcell being attacked by a white cell.. why must i be a disease cell.. why can i be a normal blood cell like everyone else!? i just want someone to take me as I am.. i just want this... or to end. i just need this pain to end i cant take it any longer! I just cant do it!
sigh..