Rite...
So thinking can be dangerous. Many know i am going through a really trying time right now with the man that I love. The distance factor and the fact that he is pushing me to the curb. But still telling me he loves me and wants me..
I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past two months. And you know that sometimes you have to get out of your head for a few hours to really focus on the shit when you get back in it.. Getting pretty drunk tonight kinda helped me to put more shit into perspective...
Not that I like what is happening and I fear the worst cause i am so fucking far away and I can't be there with him when he needs me the most. DAMN i hate my life at times. All I want is to be at his side to hold him and help him through this shit.... If you don't know what I am referring to..
His mum is dying of brain cancer, Spinal Cancer, and DVT. in October they tried a round of Kemo which actually decreased her health considerably and worsen the situation. Now she is back in the hospital again because she is fainting a lot.. With everything that is on him ie. Stress, Our situation, his drinking issue has escalated. he is using the booze to try and ease the pain and that is only making the matters worse.
He has shut down on me and closed me out of his world for the most part and it is killing me. He won't talk to me. I have to fight him to talk to me for 5 mins a week cause I fear of the current situation that if I don't show him I am fighting for him the sense of loss will push him away.. I can't sit by and fucking watch this happen. Nor can I sit by and let him shut down. I know at some level in his mind he wants to be reassured that I am here and not giving up. But his constant head games with me are doing a number on me and I don't have the strength to deal with it. I don't want to lose him.. I love him with every bit of my heart.
I really don't know what to do.. And it is killing me inside. The cold heartless bitch in me is telling me to say fuck it and walk away and give up. But there is this strong voice in me telling me to keep fighting... Thing is I don't know if I can keep up this fight. I feel like I am losing grip of everything...
I feel like if I step back i will lose him and if I push forward I will lose him but I know that I can't keep up at the pace I am now or I will end up in a fucking mental ward somewhere.
I need seriously to get to England. I am so fucking trapped here right now I don't know how the hell I am going to do anything. I kinda feel that if I were there it would be a different story. He told me that the pain of not having me is hurting him deeply as well.
The fact that he wants to run to me and hold me but he can't is tearing him up inside just as much as the pain of losing his mum.... And with the holiday's here on us that is not making matters any easier.
FUCK what do I do.
I love him so much.. And I know that he loves me..
I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past two months. And you know that sometimes you have to get out of your head for a few hours to really focus on the shit when you get back in it.. Getting pretty drunk tonight kinda helped me to put more shit into perspective...
Not that I like what is happening and I fear the worst cause i am so fucking far away and I can't be there with him when he needs me the most. DAMN i hate my life at times. All I want is to be at his side to hold him and help him through this shit.... If you don't know what I am referring to..
His mum is dying of brain cancer, Spinal Cancer, and DVT. in October they tried a round of Kemo which actually decreased her health considerably and worsen the situation. Now she is back in the hospital again because she is fainting a lot.. With everything that is on him ie. Stress, Our situation, his drinking issue has escalated. he is using the booze to try and ease the pain and that is only making the matters worse.
He has shut down on me and closed me out of his world for the most part and it is killing me. He won't talk to me. I have to fight him to talk to me for 5 mins a week cause I fear of the current situation that if I don't show him I am fighting for him the sense of loss will push him away.. I can't sit by and fucking watch this happen. Nor can I sit by and let him shut down. I know at some level in his mind he wants to be reassured that I am here and not giving up. But his constant head games with me are doing a number on me and I don't have the strength to deal with it. I don't want to lose him.. I love him with every bit of my heart.
I really don't know what to do.. And it is killing me inside. The cold heartless bitch in me is telling me to say fuck it and walk away and give up. But there is this strong voice in me telling me to keep fighting... Thing is I don't know if I can keep up this fight. I feel like I am losing grip of everything...
I feel like if I step back i will lose him and if I push forward I will lose him but I know that I can't keep up at the pace I am now or I will end up in a fucking mental ward somewhere.
I need seriously to get to England. I am so fucking trapped here right now I don't know how the hell I am going to do anything. I kinda feel that if I were there it would be a different story. He told me that the pain of not having me is hurting him deeply as well.
The fact that he wants to run to me and hold me but he can't is tearing him up inside just as much as the pain of losing his mum.... And with the holiday's here on us that is not making matters any easier.
FUCK what do I do.
I love him so much.. And I know that he loves me..