just a sappy depressing entry...
I
Am
Worthless
And
Undesireable.
all i wanted in the whole entire world was to feel semi important, like important enough for tara to even consider making plans with me. i wish i knew what caitlin has that i dont so i could change so that tara would want me again. i wish i was caitlin sometimes, so that i could spend a week with tara and so that she'd love me. but no, im just little 16 year old julie who has no life outside of her. last ngiht when she was sleeping in my bed and i was in the same room with her, and we were both just at peace, it felt to me like it was ment to be, like everything was as it should be. she says she wants us both to be "stable" before we even consider a relationship. well im not stable without her. but she is supposedly "happy for once" now that im no longer a part of her life. so i guess the whole year and 4 months was just one big waste of time. it ment everything to me, but i can see it wasnt the same for her. i've never been this unstable, and the thing is i've done nothing to deserve this. i've been trying harder at winning her heart over than i have ever tried at anything in my entire life. but i guess i'm just not good enough. tara was always my thing to lean back on; like if i were having a bad day at school she was always there to make everyting better. if my dad and i were fighting or something, she was always there to make me happy. but now what? i dont know how to make myself happy, i dont get it. how can someone make themselves happy if its not like i can "hang out" with myself. its no fun going out to dinner with yourself, or seeing a movie with yourself, or spending the night alone with yourself. i shouldnt go into work today, im really not well enough to. but its an obligation, so i have to do it and put on my fake cheery little smily face to make the customers feel like their important, even though they're already 10 times more important than me anyway. i think what hurts the most is that she's moved on so quickley and just replaced me. my favorite lyrics right now are from allanis morrisette, "did you forget about me, mr. duplicity? i hate to bug you in the middle of dinner. it was a slap in the face how quickly i was replaced. are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" i love that song, i love how fucking outraged she is. tara says "we will be back together whenever life brings us back together," thats just a way of saying "lets see if i dont find someone more special then you, just gimme a few years." i gave my hopes up last night. i always do. i tried so hard to just make her happy and as confortable as possible while she was over here. i gave her my bed and i slept on the floor, we watched family guy till we fell asleep, i let her play with fallon and fallon was being extra nice ot her too. she even had a little tickle fight with me and was looking at me like she used to. before i went ot bed, while she was sleeping, i kissed her hand and said goodnight but i dont think she remembers. and then she tells me that she has "plans with alex" today and cant spend the day with me. i also love these dashboard lyrics, "i begged you not to go. i begged you, i pleaded. begged you as my only hope, and watched the floor as you retreated." because thats exactly how i've felt all morning. well, these past 3 weeks really. i dont even know what to do with myself. who am i trying to impress? everything i do goes unnoticed by tara, and i dont get "crushes." i've never really had serious crushes, and i know i wont get over tara just like that and find someone new. she obviously has no problem doing that because i wasnt good enough. caitlin must be so fucking perfect. funny how tara always told me i was the most beautifull girl in the world and that she could never feel this way about anyone else... and then caitlin pops into her life and she completely forgets about me. its not fair to me at all. its like i was just left there hanging, and i still am. im always waiting aorund for her to come back. its not like anybody ELSE wants me, so what have i got to loose? besides dignity i guess... but i've pretty much run out of that or else i wouldnt even be writting this entry. ::slaps head:: and i dont understand how everyone else is always telling ME to change, telling ME to just get over it. why do i have to change and not let things get to me, but she's aloud to do as much as she can to hurt me every day and get away with it. nobody finds anything wrong with what she's doing. people just tell me to "get over it." yeah, try doing that yourself, okay? if caaitlin is so cute and attractive and funny and perfect than what am i? nothing. im just her "crazy ex girlfriend" who all her new friends can treat like shit, even when im trying to be nice and sweet. whenever i try ot talk to tara online or on the phone, they're always there trying to pull her away from me. i KNOW im not doing anything wrong. if trying to keep in touch with the person you have been in a loving relaitonship with for over a year is a crime, then fucking lock me up already. they pry her away form the computer, the phone, and then take her from my house so easily. ALL I WANT is time with her. and i tried soooooo hard to impress her and make her happy last night. i tried to make myself look as presentable as possible, i cleaned my room, i even told some of my friends how fucking excited i was that she was accually coming over to spend time with ME. wow, this is a really fucking long entry. possibly one of the longest i've ever written. shes dedicating OUR lyrics to caitlin now... and dedicated the blink 182 lyrics, " When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for a minute of your time, I really wish it was only me and you, I'm jealous of everybody in the room, Please dont look at me with those eyes, Please dont hint that your capable of lies, I dreamt the thought of our very first kiss, A target that I'm probably gonna miss." and it makes me sick to my stomach every time i read them... and every time i read her journals or away messages or profile. like i seriously feel like puking every minute of ever day because of caitlin. i can't even listen to the following songs without crying anymore:
dashboard - hands down
dashboard - as lovers go
avril lavigne - things i'll never say
eric clapton - if i could change the world
the starting line - the best of me
ryan cabrerra - true
nfg - the story so far
nfg - eyesore
ugh, so many more but too many to think of right now.
i still have all these movies she sent to me with her digital camera, like the one she sent me on christmas. and i keep watching them, and it seems like thats her talking to me right now. psh, right. i can only dream. or the one when she says "im sorry and i love you." and i keep remembering the one she sent me when i was in mississippi last summer when she was reciting romeo and juliet to me on camera. i love this song, her space holiday - girl problems. "i will always think of you as someone that i love." man, this would all be so much easier for me to deal with if i easily developed crushes, but i dont. if i had someone else to take my mind off her. but i dont have anyone like that. im not LIKE tara, i dont find someone new in a fucking week. she was my first EVERYTHING. and she thinks she can just drop out of my life like that and have it not make a huge dent. its made a gigantic dent and i'm not stable anymore. theres nothing to eat in this god damn house accept goldfish. every time i look at my cat fallon i thinkof tara. she gave her to me. she was like our relationship kitty, kind of like jipsy was our relationship kitty. now im stuck with this question... NOW WHAT????? what do i do now. tara is long gone, starting over, trying to find a new future mrs. lafferman, and im here cooped up in my room crying in bed all day long till i go to work. tara is enjoying herself without me and im feeling like death.
Here is the part
Where I apologize
For thinking that we should
Take some time off
Because the loneliness
Would do us both some good
I soon found out
Just how miserable
I could really be
All by myself
In this haunted house
With my paranoid disease
joe needs to come home from rainbow camp. like soon, or i'm gonna flip out because he and daniela can like always find some way of cheering me up. my speakers are acting up.. they're sounding more... muffled. this sucks.
jenn deeds came into fuchee yesterday to ppick up carry out and it really cheered me up seeing her again. she's going off to college though so... ::sad face:: but now that i know you read this journal, jenne deeds, YOU MUST COMMENT! or else i'll chop your arms off.
i
need
her.
to work, or not to work. that is the question. :( i really shouldnt.