here it goes...
I need to get some stuff out.
I don't feel that I have anyone to talk to so I'm talking to all of you and whoever else reads this even if they don't know me, cause at this point, its all I can do.
I'm lonely. I can be surrounded by a million people but still be alone.
I'm depressed. I honestly do not remember the last time I had a good day.
if I'm happy, it fades very soon.
nothing in my life is going good and it just seems to be getting worse.
I don't make enough money to pay bills, let alone to get gas to drive to work to make more money.
I make just enough to pay my car payment and car insurance and I don't even know how I do that sometimes.
I don't know who my friends are anymore.
I have maybe two or three close friends and even they aren't that close.
one has other friends and I don't remember that last time I hung out with JUST him, hes always off doing other things, I don't remember the last time I even TALKED to him.
the one person I love more than anything (at this point) is sick of me, doesn't want to hang out most of the time, and doesn't love me back anymore. I think I see him once a week, twice if I'm lucky...and when we do hang out, I'm driving him somewhere and I don't feel as if he wants to hang out.
almost as if hes doing it to make me happy.
the only other person I feel I can talk to about anything thinks I hate him.
I don't.
what he doesn't know (but hopefully he'll see this and will) is that I still love him but don't really want him to know for fear that I'll hurt him [more] and I don't want to do that.
although its most likely too late cause I'm stupid.
I just want to be able to be friends with him and have a good relationship.
I may get mad at him sometimes but I don't hate him what so ever.
I get mad at all my friends at times.
any other friends just seem to be fading away.
some of them move, some go to college, and others I just don't talk to/see anymore.
I don't go out anymore.
I go out on mondays and fridays.
I'm lucky if I get out of the house with someone else on any other day.
and also...
I'm afraid I won't get into the one college I love.
its a beautiful place and it makes me happy just to hear the name of that school.
I can't write the essay. I don't know what inspires me to create art, and I don't know why I want to go to a fine arts school and I can't put that into 500 words and I don't want to lie and say some bullshit just to get in, I want to be honest but I can't.
even if I could get that done, I don't have a full portfolio because I can't make or paint anything that comes out right/looks good.
I have no inspiration.
theres only so many times I can paint a beach or a sunset or some mountains.
I just can't seem to think of anything else...just nothing.
I'm scared that I'll be stuck at Jo Ann Fabrics for the rest of my life.
cutting fabric for a living, getting shitty pay.
I don't have any motivation, and no one I can turn to if I need help.
I think I have the shittiest relationship with both of my parents.
I never see my dad.
hes 40 minutes away. I only see him when I have a problem with my car or at Christmas, and even then its not for long and we don't talk much or at all.
and because I never see him, I never see my younger step brother and that also upsets me.
the sound of my mom's voice drives me crazy. I've tried to learn how to stand it but if I'm in the slightest upset mood, her voice can piss me off to no end.
I hate it.
I hate everything
I hate my life.
I hate how things are going.
I just hate.
I don't know how to fix it...I've tried to do things that cheer me up but when it comes down to it, nothing works.
I need help.
I need someone that I can talk to that can help me, try to give me advice.
not someone whos just gonna say, "oh that sucks" or "I'm sorry, hope things with get better"
I'm sick of hearing that, cause no matter how many times I hear it, it seems to help less and less.
I think I'm done for now.
if anyone can help me or knows someone that can help me, please let me know.
and if anyone reads this and for some reason gets mad, upset, pissed off and any other bad feeling known to man...I apoligize.
I'm just saying what I feel, and I truly am sorry if I hurt feelings somewhere.
I just want to be me again.
I don't feel that I have anyone to talk to so I'm talking to all of you and whoever else reads this even if they don't know me, cause at this point, its all I can do.
I'm lonely. I can be surrounded by a million people but still be alone.
I'm depressed. I honestly do not remember the last time I had a good day.
if I'm happy, it fades very soon.
nothing in my life is going good and it just seems to be getting worse.
I don't make enough money to pay bills, let alone to get gas to drive to work to make more money.
I make just enough to pay my car payment and car insurance and I don't even know how I do that sometimes.
I don't know who my friends are anymore.
I have maybe two or three close friends and even they aren't that close.
one has other friends and I don't remember that last time I hung out with JUST him, hes always off doing other things, I don't remember the last time I even TALKED to him.
the one person I love more than anything (at this point) is sick of me, doesn't want to hang out most of the time, and doesn't love me back anymore. I think I see him once a week, twice if I'm lucky...and when we do hang out, I'm driving him somewhere and I don't feel as if he wants to hang out.
almost as if hes doing it to make me happy.
the only other person I feel I can talk to about anything thinks I hate him.
I don't.
what he doesn't know (but hopefully he'll see this and will) is that I still love him but don't really want him to know for fear that I'll hurt him [more] and I don't want to do that.
although its most likely too late cause I'm stupid.
I just want to be able to be friends with him and have a good relationship.
I may get mad at him sometimes but I don't hate him what so ever.
I get mad at all my friends at times.
any other friends just seem to be fading away.
some of them move, some go to college, and others I just don't talk to/see anymore.
I don't go out anymore.
I go out on mondays and fridays.
I'm lucky if I get out of the house with someone else on any other day.
and also...
I'm afraid I won't get into the one college I love.
its a beautiful place and it makes me happy just to hear the name of that school.
I can't write the essay. I don't know what inspires me to create art, and I don't know why I want to go to a fine arts school and I can't put that into 500 words and I don't want to lie and say some bullshit just to get in, I want to be honest but I can't.
even if I could get that done, I don't have a full portfolio because I can't make or paint anything that comes out right/looks good.
I have no inspiration.
theres only so many times I can paint a beach or a sunset or some mountains.
I just can't seem to think of anything else...just nothing.
I'm scared that I'll be stuck at Jo Ann Fabrics for the rest of my life.
cutting fabric for a living, getting shitty pay.
I don't have any motivation, and no one I can turn to if I need help.
I think I have the shittiest relationship with both of my parents.
I never see my dad.
hes 40 minutes away. I only see him when I have a problem with my car or at Christmas, and even then its not for long and we don't talk much or at all.
and because I never see him, I never see my younger step brother and that also upsets me.
the sound of my mom's voice drives me crazy. I've tried to learn how to stand it but if I'm in the slightest upset mood, her voice can piss me off to no end.
I hate it.
I hate everything
I hate my life.
I hate how things are going.
I just hate.
I don't know how to fix it...I've tried to do things that cheer me up but when it comes down to it, nothing works.
I need help.
I need someone that I can talk to that can help me, try to give me advice.
not someone whos just gonna say, "oh that sucks" or "I'm sorry, hope things with get better"
I'm sick of hearing that, cause no matter how many times I hear it, it seems to help less and less.
I think I'm done for now.
if anyone can help me or knows someone that can help me, please let me know.
and if anyone reads this and for some reason gets mad, upset, pissed off and any other bad feeling known to man...I apoligize.
I'm just saying what I feel, and I truly am sorry if I hurt feelings somewhere.
I just want to be me again.