the low down
Here's what's going on in my life. Maybe it'll be useless babbling maybe it'll help me better sort things out, I don't know.
Summer school--I should have studies for today's test. I know better.
Work--money's money and just because things are different doesn't mean they're bad...especially when I just got a friend hired
Life--here's where the trouble starts.
I love Chase. He wants to marry me eventually. I think that'd be kinda nice....but how do I know that's what I want? More importantly, whether it's a good choice? I think this might be the time for the standard pros and cons type list. First, how does that relate to the rest of my life? How doesn't it. What I've been doing is trying to figure out what to do about my dreams that did not previously include a ring, or tiny, hyperactive, toe-headed offspring (My mother is blonde, Chase is blonde, I know my genetics and chances are good :) )
Anyway--I came back to Colorado because it's home, or was. I think that home really is starting to be where I make it despite the fact that my heart's here in the mountains. I could live in Nevada, but I don't know how long. I like grass....yeah, stupid...ok so landscape isn't the point. what is? I guess the fact that I'd have to move to rural Nevada where it's virtually desert for a man who, though I love dearly, is not yet set in stone as may life partner if you will. he's fantastic he really is and I love him more than anything. so what's stopping me/ I think it must be fear of the unknown that is the root of all my and probably man's problems. I don't know anyone else so I'm afraid of what I may not find should I decide to look further. I don't know anyone else so I'm afraid of what I might find if I quit looking. Can I think of a reason not to marry him when he asks? Not really. I say I'm not ready for that, I'm too young. but I'm 20 I'm an adult on the verge of having to be completely and totally accountable for myself. I've been thinking about rings and cakes and kids and don't know if it's me thinking or the idea trying to get my brain wrapped around it. who cares if he's the first man I dated, fell in love with? he's a lot of firsts, whay can't he be the lasts too? I've been looking at certification programs available to me in winnemucca. I can get certified at a satelite breance of great basin college there. I don't have to have a certain GPA from my undergrad or anything like that but the teaching opportunities there are limited for high school. although if Chase could score a job as lab manager in Denver....I don't know. I think it sounds like I have things figured out in my head...and probably in my heart but they just don't mesh yet. if you'll notice I never came up with a real reason not to marry Chase. He's my first everything. so? people marry and stay with their high school sweethearts all the time. I have to be away from him for at least 2 years. absence makes the heart grow fonder and I'll see him sometimes. I want him to come home with me at Christmas for a while. He hasn't been to Illinois or Wisconsin. I want to show him off the way he does with me. I want him to be part of my family the way I'm part of his. So I guess that yes I do want to marry him. I worry that things might not work out but doesn't everyone? I should probably talk to my Mom or someone about their relationships but I'm hesitant when she doesn't think we'll last. But I don't think she understands what's going on. I am so incredibly happy sitting on the couch with himm watching him climb.
why do I love him?
He's smart and handsome, and makes me laugh, can tell when I'm upset, and knows to tell me when exes will be present, he tels me he loves me and I'm beautiful, he loves his family and they like me, he's a genuinely good person, He's a dork and doesn't care, He's good with his hands and knows all sorts of practical things, he thiks he has an ego problem but is down to earth, he comforts me even when i'm upset for no reason, he's Chase....
yeah...even if I'm still off kilter I think my apprehensions have been mostly allayed
Summer school--I should have studies for today's test. I know better.
Work--money's money and just because things are different doesn't mean they're bad...especially when I just got a friend hired
Life--here's where the trouble starts.
I love Chase. He wants to marry me eventually. I think that'd be kinda nice....but how do I know that's what I want? More importantly, whether it's a good choice? I think this might be the time for the standard pros and cons type list. First, how does that relate to the rest of my life? How doesn't it. What I've been doing is trying to figure out what to do about my dreams that did not previously include a ring, or tiny, hyperactive, toe-headed offspring (My mother is blonde, Chase is blonde, I know my genetics and chances are good :) )
Anyway--I came back to Colorado because it's home, or was. I think that home really is starting to be where I make it despite the fact that my heart's here in the mountains. I could live in Nevada, but I don't know how long. I like grass....yeah, stupid...ok so landscape isn't the point. what is? I guess the fact that I'd have to move to rural Nevada where it's virtually desert for a man who, though I love dearly, is not yet set in stone as may life partner if you will. he's fantastic he really is and I love him more than anything. so what's stopping me/ I think it must be fear of the unknown that is the root of all my and probably man's problems. I don't know anyone else so I'm afraid of what I may not find should I decide to look further. I don't know anyone else so I'm afraid of what I might find if I quit looking. Can I think of a reason not to marry him when he asks? Not really. I say I'm not ready for that, I'm too young. but I'm 20 I'm an adult on the verge of having to be completely and totally accountable for myself. I've been thinking about rings and cakes and kids and don't know if it's me thinking or the idea trying to get my brain wrapped around it. who cares if he's the first man I dated, fell in love with? he's a lot of firsts, whay can't he be the lasts too? I've been looking at certification programs available to me in winnemucca. I can get certified at a satelite breance of great basin college there. I don't have to have a certain GPA from my undergrad or anything like that but the teaching opportunities there are limited for high school. although if Chase could score a job as lab manager in Denver....I don't know. I think it sounds like I have things figured out in my head...and probably in my heart but they just don't mesh yet. if you'll notice I never came up with a real reason not to marry Chase. He's my first everything. so? people marry and stay with their high school sweethearts all the time. I have to be away from him for at least 2 years. absence makes the heart grow fonder and I'll see him sometimes. I want him to come home with me at Christmas for a while. He hasn't been to Illinois or Wisconsin. I want to show him off the way he does with me. I want him to be part of my family the way I'm part of his. So I guess that yes I do want to marry him. I worry that things might not work out but doesn't everyone? I should probably talk to my Mom or someone about their relationships but I'm hesitant when she doesn't think we'll last. But I don't think she understands what's going on. I am so incredibly happy sitting on the couch with himm watching him climb.
why do I love him?
He's smart and handsome, and makes me laugh, can tell when I'm upset, and knows to tell me when exes will be present, he tels me he loves me and I'm beautiful, he loves his family and they like me, he's a genuinely good person, He's a dork and doesn't care, He's good with his hands and knows all sorts of practical things, he thiks he has an ego problem but is down to earth, he comforts me even when i'm upset for no reason, he's Chase....
yeah...even if I'm still off kilter I think my apprehensions have been mostly allayed