tonight...
It was a little easier, though I still had thoughts that I should turn everything around. I stayed strong. I am so grateful that he is not making this harder for me than it has to be. He is better than I expected. It makes me feel bad though. It would be easier for him to have done something terrible or been a total jerk. Then I wouldn't feel so bad. But no, he has to be nice. And I feel like shit. I am doing the right thing though.
Debra called me around 11:30. I was laying on the couch watching tv. Mike had just told her about me and chris. She sounded really concerned. I told her I was ok. And then she said something that really put me at ease... she said, don't worry, you're doing the right thing. I felt better. She told me that everyone will support my decision and understand that this is what is best for me. I was so glad to hear that, I almost cried. She wants to help me in any way that she can. I wish there was a way that anyone could help but only time will help now. She told me she loved me and that we would talk soon. I'm so glad she called.
I know this will all take time to get better but I am so very impatient. Time alone will be good for me. I keep telling myself that. It will make me a better person. This will only make me stronger. I have to give myself a pep talk a few times a day so that I don't crumble. I know that the next few weeks and months will be hard... but I know they will go by, and I will survive, and it will get better. I have a different outlook on life since my dad died. Life is so very precious. I cannot let my life slip by without living it. I need to start making decisions to improve my life. Dad, please help me find the strength. I miss you.
I got out a notebook and started writing. I added to my list of things about myself that aren't good. I think it's important to acknowledge those things. I want to change some of them. I stopped writing and started drawing. Just stray marks, then shapes, then designs... I let my mind wander. I intended to doodle... but that's not what happened. I looked down at the paper, and whether it was conscious or not, I had drawn angel wings, with my dad's initals between them. I dropped the notebook and cried. I had talked to my brother before about getting a tattoo, and I said I wanted something with angel wings and my dad's initals. I plan on getting it someday, but not yet. It would likely go on the center of my upper back, which would make it visible if I was wearing a dress, specifically a wedding dress. Even though things did not work out between me and chris, I still plan to get married eventually. I hope to at least. I feel like I have a calling to be a mother, and I believe that is still in my future. I don't know what the future holds, but I plan to take charge of my life. I am so lucky that I have my family and close friends to hold my hand along the way...
Debra called me around 11:30. I was laying on the couch watching tv. Mike had just told her about me and chris. She sounded really concerned. I told her I was ok. And then she said something that really put me at ease... she said, don't worry, you're doing the right thing. I felt better. She told me that everyone will support my decision and understand that this is what is best for me. I was so glad to hear that, I almost cried. She wants to help me in any way that she can. I wish there was a way that anyone could help but only time will help now. She told me she loved me and that we would talk soon. I'm so glad she called.
I know this will all take time to get better but I am so very impatient. Time alone will be good for me. I keep telling myself that. It will make me a better person. This will only make me stronger. I have to give myself a pep talk a few times a day so that I don't crumble. I know that the next few weeks and months will be hard... but I know they will go by, and I will survive, and it will get better. I have a different outlook on life since my dad died. Life is so very precious. I cannot let my life slip by without living it. I need to start making decisions to improve my life. Dad, please help me find the strength. I miss you.
I got out a notebook and started writing. I added to my list of things about myself that aren't good. I think it's important to acknowledge those things. I want to change some of them. I stopped writing and started drawing. Just stray marks, then shapes, then designs... I let my mind wander. I intended to doodle... but that's not what happened. I looked down at the paper, and whether it was conscious or not, I had drawn angel wings, with my dad's initals between them. I dropped the notebook and cried. I had talked to my brother before about getting a tattoo, and I said I wanted something with angel wings and my dad's initals. I plan on getting it someday, but not yet. It would likely go on the center of my upper back, which would make it visible if I was wearing a dress, specifically a wedding dress. Even though things did not work out between me and chris, I still plan to get married eventually. I hope to at least. I feel like I have a calling to be a mother, and I believe that is still in my future. I don't know what the future holds, but I plan to take charge of my life. I am so lucky that I have my family and close friends to hold my hand along the way...