Found this, and it is awesome
I think number 17 is my favorite.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes.
Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck
Norris won.
7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris
--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the
earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.
This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it
was divided.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF
CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's
bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two
years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the
blast went deaf.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving,
Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his
backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it
whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him
how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and
said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes,
just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
lost
my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at
her and saying "booya".
16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.
He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker
every second Wednesday of the month.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't
give him exact change.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his
basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at
once.
23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for
children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying
Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and
roundhouse kicks them in the face.
24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
"his"
way.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white
people just to prove he isn't a racist.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and
I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse
kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
3. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
thereafter he grew a beard.
5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
6. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes.
Chuck Norris ate 12 asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck
Norris won.
7. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris
--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the
earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up.
This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it
was divided.
8. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly
after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
9. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then
shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF
CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's
bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two
years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement
and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the
blast went deaf.
10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for
30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
11. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving,
Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his
backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it
whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully
cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him
how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and
said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
13. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes,
just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
14. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already
lost
my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
15. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at
her and saying "booya".
16. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris
roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
17. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die
from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face.
He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and
buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced
Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker
every second Wednesday of the month.
20. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
21. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't
give him exact change.
22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his
basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at
once.
23. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for
children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying
Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and
roundhouse kicks them in the face.
24. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
25. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
"his"
way.
26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
27. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white
people just to prove he isn't a racist.
28. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and
I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse
kick the shit out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see
Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
30. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.