toothache?
a few days ago, incredible headache pain on my right brow ridge...even swelled up red and itchy, then went back down. went to ear. now: pain from top of right face, to ear and jaw joint, to lower molar, to neck. some spasms and a little numbness, and left side of face is a little twitchy too. there's a touch of dizziness, at the level of a little sinus trouble. there is no toothache-type swelling. i'm a little freaked out: it's bad enough to keep me couchridden. using advil, garlic ear oil, and eating an occasional raw garlic clove.
is this a tooth thing or a back/tmj thing? i cannot tell for the life of me, and thanks to roofers working JUST outside our bedroom window today (could touch them...earplugs didn't work, they were that shouty and drilly) couldn't sleep, and slept in to make up for it, and am only just now awake, so can't get an appt. anywhere but the emergency room. i'll go if i have to, but would rather see a dentist or my doc tomorrow.
eta: and so it is a twilight "day" for me, half awake in half light, the village air conditioners all shut down now, letting the city noise through, the sounds of settling and tucking in. after-work footsteps, doors closing, cold breezes rising outside. the bar's sounds now contained. about that i have no complaints. i am too tired to play music. just listening to traffic. temperature changes the sounds of everything. my cat's stomach pipes burble and squeak: he has to go for a checkup soon too. the facial clench comes and goes. i have made a kava and banana shake that will numb it down away from my worry. i hope. these are the days of the not-always-well. this is the twilight writers swim through. can't come outside to play, feeling the ghosts of the others and their notebooks, crabbing letters to the three hundred years from now. days like this i remember aubrey. all those days in a chair, under a blanket, drawing. for us.
kids screaming outside. glass breaking. still, it's quiet for western avenue. soon, i will eat homemade chili and watch tv via netflix, and try and relax some more.
some of the panic comes from rage: how dare you take my time? how dare you take my day? how can i do anything but slave if i have a physical vehicle that runs at 60-80%, and the slaving is most of that percentage of my wake time? all day building another country's roads, secret dreams of the true kingdom's castles. (granted, 'slaving' is loose here...looser than it ever has been, a good job, but it is still most of my time, used not for me, and me was put here with things to do.) i think i have panic a lot more than i allow myself to see. i worry. about how and when people i love will die. visualization of horrid physical events, uncontrollable. i become terrified of leaving anything i love for fear an evil being will destroy it behind my back. this is the only time i have and it is used so badly and so is everyone else's i know and this is all we ever do with it? too much caffeine at the bookstore and i was awake far too late scratching at my pores close up in the bathroom mirror.
in the middle of the night (dawn for everyone else) i want so badly to tell all those far from me how much more i loved them than i hated...the ones that slipped out and away, unreachable now by circumstance and possibly calcification. i want to work apologias in cosmic bottles and throw. where are our churches and shrines for message-leaving? where are the good places? this will have to do.
i am going sick and crazy for lack of green and quiet. new orleans was nothing to this cannibal feast outside. we will move again soon, after the winter has passed: away from the main road, to a place that is not wrought entirely of mold and has at least a ledge or balcony or goodness gracious SOME EARTH UNPAVED for us to touch and put growing things in.
i won't be able to sleep until 6am or something ridiculous like that, again.
is this a tooth thing or a back/tmj thing? i cannot tell for the life of me, and thanks to roofers working JUST outside our bedroom window today (could touch them...earplugs didn't work, they were that shouty and drilly) couldn't sleep, and slept in to make up for it, and am only just now awake, so can't get an appt. anywhere but the emergency room. i'll go if i have to, but would rather see a dentist or my doc tomorrow.
eta: and so it is a twilight "day" for me, half awake in half light, the village air conditioners all shut down now, letting the city noise through, the sounds of settling and tucking in. after-work footsteps, doors closing, cold breezes rising outside. the bar's sounds now contained. about that i have no complaints. i am too tired to play music. just listening to traffic. temperature changes the sounds of everything. my cat's stomach pipes burble and squeak: he has to go for a checkup soon too. the facial clench comes and goes. i have made a kava and banana shake that will numb it down away from my worry. i hope. these are the days of the not-always-well. this is the twilight writers swim through. can't come outside to play, feeling the ghosts of the others and their notebooks, crabbing letters to the three hundred years from now. days like this i remember aubrey. all those days in a chair, under a blanket, drawing. for us.
kids screaming outside. glass breaking. still, it's quiet for western avenue. soon, i will eat homemade chili and watch tv via netflix, and try and relax some more.
some of the panic comes from rage: how dare you take my time? how dare you take my day? how can i do anything but slave if i have a physical vehicle that runs at 60-80%, and the slaving is most of that percentage of my wake time? all day building another country's roads, secret dreams of the true kingdom's castles. (granted, 'slaving' is loose here...looser than it ever has been, a good job, but it is still most of my time, used not for me, and me was put here with things to do.) i think i have panic a lot more than i allow myself to see. i worry. about how and when people i love will die. visualization of horrid physical events, uncontrollable. i become terrified of leaving anything i love for fear an evil being will destroy it behind my back. this is the only time i have and it is used so badly and so is everyone else's i know and this is all we ever do with it? too much caffeine at the bookstore and i was awake far too late scratching at my pores close up in the bathroom mirror.
in the middle of the night (dawn for everyone else) i want so badly to tell all those far from me how much more i loved them than i hated...the ones that slipped out and away, unreachable now by circumstance and possibly calcification. i want to work apologias in cosmic bottles and throw. where are our churches and shrines for message-leaving? where are the good places? this will have to do.
i am going sick and crazy for lack of green and quiet. new orleans was nothing to this cannibal feast outside. we will move again soon, after the winter has passed: away from the main road, to a place that is not wrought entirely of mold and has at least a ledge or balcony or goodness gracious SOME EARTH UNPAVED for us to touch and put growing things in.
i won't be able to sleep until 6am or something ridiculous like that, again.