Of Digital Color Pixels and the emotions they produce
My nose stopped bleeding, finally.
I think admittedly I somehow hit an "I miss Japan" funk today. I suppose the seeds were planted yesterday when I saw pictures uploaded onto facebook of Roppongi girl, her sister and friends going to the beach, partying, whatever. I felt a pang of, I don't know exactly, I suppose I just missed it, the freedom, the nutty-ness of it. Not to say I'm not free now and not having a good time. Tomorrow I'm hitting up PS1, the modern art child of MoMa, and after that I may get a chance to see Mike and the guys for a night out. The next day I have a wedding I'm going to with Sherley.
Things in general are good. I will porbably have some writing published in the California Magazine "Sake and Sushi" come December, which is kinda cool. I got a lot of yeard work done today. The weekend is coming, and I'm feeling gradually more confident about my resume.
But still, recently something has been nipping at me.
Maybe it's the pictures. I went through some just before. I suppose when I first got my new camera in Japan I took hundreds and just uploaded them and forgot them, but some are just too cute, too funny that I can't believe I never remebered them. One was of a school girl from Ni-ko wearing my pleather jacket and giving the peace sign. Another was Crazy Mary (who e-mailed me last week, btw) with my Transformers Helmet on, playing the drums with a scarf on under it. It's all these funny things stringed together that I laugh out loud seeing but in truth it makes my heart ache a little. I know it wasn't all that long ago, but I really miss that kind of stuff. I mean, obviously I'm having and have been having fun home, but it certainly does feel.... different. I can't describe it much more than that. I suppose as I alluded to before, there was a care-free nature to my time in Japan; money was no problem, I had my own place, work was easy and actually fun (abbed pretty boring at ties though) and it seemed like I was in a constant state of party. As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm currently in the midst of this "transtion" phase, and I think right now I really don't need to do looking back. I think once I am settled and doing something, it's safe to do so, but while I am here in the middle, it just makes things awkward.
Still, I really have no right wining. Which I think is what annoys me most. That I am feeling all "woe-is-me" at times when I really don't have any right. I know it's part of the process, and it happens to a lot of people who have done the same thing, but it still gets to me a bit. I suppose I get to me, if that makes any sense. I wish I could just confidently and unabashedly go right into the next thing and just love the hell out of what I do next, but I suppose I'm worried about it. I mean truthfully, here I am making my resume and I really have no idea what the hell I want to do next. Some people tell me I need to target it more to the sector/field I want to get into, which is very true, if only I knew what that was. I think that's what is really scaring me, the fact that there is no immediate goal staring me in the face, other than "get a job." I wish I just KNEW what it was that I want to do next, I just sorta wish I was like "oh man, I really want to be process analyst at such and such a company." But I'm not there and instead I see like, ten or twelve ideas that each sound cool and I am affraid I won't pick the right one. Which deep down I know is dumb, because I can always change my job, and I know in the longer haul I want do to grad school and etc. etc... But yeah, there is the fact that I am dealing with the now and I have to make these decisions now, and I mean, it's cool to get to decide, and I'm lucky that I realize this as an opportunity, I just wish I knew what the hell I wanted. Haha.
Anyways, those were some great pictures. I'll have to post them on Flickr or something one of these days, a sort of "best of Japan" set.
Sorry for bitching. I suppose this is one of those moments when I am using LJ as a journal more so than a communication device.
I think admittedly I somehow hit an "I miss Japan" funk today. I suppose the seeds were planted yesterday when I saw pictures uploaded onto facebook of Roppongi girl, her sister and friends going to the beach, partying, whatever. I felt a pang of, I don't know exactly, I suppose I just missed it, the freedom, the nutty-ness of it. Not to say I'm not free now and not having a good time. Tomorrow I'm hitting up PS1, the modern art child of MoMa, and after that I may get a chance to see Mike and the guys for a night out. The next day I have a wedding I'm going to with Sherley.
Things in general are good. I will porbably have some writing published in the California Magazine "Sake and Sushi" come December, which is kinda cool. I got a lot of yeard work done today. The weekend is coming, and I'm feeling gradually more confident about my resume.
But still, recently something has been nipping at me.
Maybe it's the pictures. I went through some just before. I suppose when I first got my new camera in Japan I took hundreds and just uploaded them and forgot them, but some are just too cute, too funny that I can't believe I never remebered them. One was of a school girl from Ni-ko wearing my pleather jacket and giving the peace sign. Another was Crazy Mary (who e-mailed me last week, btw) with my Transformers Helmet on, playing the drums with a scarf on under it. It's all these funny things stringed together that I laugh out loud seeing but in truth it makes my heart ache a little. I know it wasn't all that long ago, but I really miss that kind of stuff. I mean, obviously I'm having and have been having fun home, but it certainly does feel.... different. I can't describe it much more than that. I suppose as I alluded to before, there was a care-free nature to my time in Japan; money was no problem, I had my own place, work was easy and actually fun (abbed pretty boring at ties though) and it seemed like I was in a constant state of party. As I mentioned in my previous post, I'm currently in the midst of this "transtion" phase, and I think right now I really don't need to do looking back. I think once I am settled and doing something, it's safe to do so, but while I am here in the middle, it just makes things awkward.
Still, I really have no right wining. Which I think is what annoys me most. That I am feeling all "woe-is-me" at times when I really don't have any right. I know it's part of the process, and it happens to a lot of people who have done the same thing, but it still gets to me a bit. I suppose I get to me, if that makes any sense. I wish I could just confidently and unabashedly go right into the next thing and just love the hell out of what I do next, but I suppose I'm worried about it. I mean truthfully, here I am making my resume and I really have no idea what the hell I want to do next. Some people tell me I need to target it more to the sector/field I want to get into, which is very true, if only I knew what that was. I think that's what is really scaring me, the fact that there is no immediate goal staring me in the face, other than "get a job." I wish I just KNEW what it was that I want to do next, I just sorta wish I was like "oh man, I really want to be process analyst at such and such a company." But I'm not there and instead I see like, ten or twelve ideas that each sound cool and I am affraid I won't pick the right one. Which deep down I know is dumb, because I can always change my job, and I know in the longer haul I want do to grad school and etc. etc... But yeah, there is the fact that I am dealing with the now and I have to make these decisions now, and I mean, it's cool to get to decide, and I'm lucky that I realize this as an opportunity, I just wish I knew what the hell I wanted. Haha.
Anyways, those were some great pictures. I'll have to post them on Flickr or something one of these days, a sort of "best of Japan" set.
Sorry for bitching. I suppose this is one of those moments when I am using LJ as a journal more so than a communication device.