The Gas Panic Attack!: Floating Towards Drunk

[alphazen]

Well I’ve almost killed myself about 5 times on the last stair on the first flight down from my apartment because since I’ve been here the light is broken on the top floor, so I can’t tell if it’s a step or flat ground at night.  Best part is I pay a lighting fee.  Go figure.  WTF does go figure mean anyway?  Moving right along…

Another note… at Japanese grocery stores, you generally buy less, come more often, because the food is fresher that way, etc.  But what I love and hate is that they give you like, just enough bags to carry your food.  They don’t bag it for you, you do.  Lazy ass Americans.  But I mean, never have I gotten 3 bags, ever.  I once bought a shit ton of food, but only 2 bags.  Funny thing is, when I took my time and placed it all correctly, it all fit.  Go figure.  (WTF?)

So what was the point of this?  Ah I forget.  I realize now that my diet has become totally Japanese.  I mean, aside from the occasional purchase of Oreos and the PB and J I usually make for lunch (btw, cannot find fucking peanut butter in Japan… do they have an embargo against it?  WTF?) I pretty much just eat rice, fish, natto, and tofu with water and vegetable juice.  I mean, I eat that damn tofu raw too.  Crazy.  But good.  I suppose I am easy to please.

So I have been going nuts since I have been back in Japan, and I realize I have not updated my

a.    flickr

b.   youtube

c.    livejournal

With anything cool since I have been back.  I have been meaning to remedy this, but weekend engageｇmints usually slow me from this.  I also blame FF12.  As we speak it calls to me.  But I feel this weekend (Jan26th-28th) deserves a write up, and I think I need to upload some pics/vids on it too.  I should also talk about two weeks ago, when basically all of Japan came to Rick’s rescue when is battery died in his car.  I mean I felt like an idiot over the whole thing, but it was nice of the entire universe to help me out.

Anyways, so this weekend.  Screw Friday, it had no purpose.  I don’t think I did anything tremendous.  I might have played video games, and that is it.  Saturday however, was cool.

Side note to all those bound to Japan for a mission here in April/May… what were the dates again?  Also, would you like it if I occasionally either posted or sent you guys like, little informationals about cool things we should do in Japan, or eat or like … I dunno…  I am just thinking the more I give you now the better so you can come here and not feel totally out of it.  Anyway….

So I train into Tokyo via the JR line into Ueno Station.  From there I take the Tokyo Subway (run by another company… so annoying) to Asakusa.  I don’t often ride the Subway in Tokyo; I just use the Yamanote, which is easy as all hell.

So I get off at Asakusa and proceed to wait.  I am waiting for my friend Natalie.  It’s her boyfriend’s birthday party and we are going to take a cruise around Tokyo Bay to celebrate.  I am also involved in holding a rigged game of bingo for the guy, so that he “wins” the trip.  Interesting.

So I meet up with her and a large group of my JET posse.  To be honest it was a cool cross section of dudes from all around Ibaraki.  I was actually quite excited.  So we all throw our shit in the hostel (it was like, 2400 yen a night, which is redicu-cheap for Tokyo) and head off to Shimotsuma (?) where we are going to surprise Aurelian with his gift.

Well, the operation goes smooth.  A Starbucks was marauded by about 20 gaijin.  French dudes, Canadians, Americans, Brits, we had the whole gambit, even a gay guy from Scotland.  Aurelian is surprised and he wins his gift in my rigged game of Bingo.  Awesome sauce.  We then proceed towards the harbor; a massive human wave of foreigners heading to the bay.

On the way I chatted with Bio, this Japanese dude who knew damn good English.  He was a friend of Natalie’s and was a pretty cool dude.  He told me about his Grandpa who was in the Yakuza, I told him about my grandpa who dodged the Mafia.  It was fun times.

So we get to this place about a half hour too early.  Luckily there is a local park not a block away.  Imagine if you will your some 10 year old kid playing soccer with your friends, when all of a sudden 20 super tall non-Japanese people show up.  What do you do?  I tell you what you or at least the kid did.  He went up to the tallest, blackest dude out of the group and challenged him to a game of soccer.  Fun times ensued.  I climbed up monkey bars.  I slid down slides, all in this little crazy park that was overshadowed by giant sky scrappers.  It was kind of crazy, the skyscrapers were of course only a couple blocks away, and they looked so cool from the park, but they also felt like, forever away.  Odd moment.  I loved it.

So we all finish up in the park and get into this cruise boat.  I was sort of elected MC since well, I do know how to rock the microphone.  This boat is cool.   Not large, sort of perfect for 20 people.  It was an amazing setup.  The center was like a dinning hall, and there was a back sort of hang out area, and you could then go onto the roof and chill.  It was hot.

So we all start throwing back food and drink.  For the 2 ½ hours, all the beer you can drink.  Hell yeah.  We all got pretty well and wasted quick.  Of course as this is happening we are cruising about the center of Tokyo, taking in some of the most amazing views you can imagine.  So I feel that you know, granted the boat was moving but I should go on top and see what’s up.  However there was a chain in the way that meant we should not go up.  Oh well.  Whatever.

So here I am on top of this boat, wasted out of my mind watching Tokyo all lit up.  Pretty amazing moment if I do say so myself.  Let’s be real honest, the miracle was that I didn't fall overboard.  So yeah, this was freaking sweet.  I ended up doing a few rounds of Karaoke and singing with a group of gay (?) French guys.  Some where straight I think... it's actually hard to tell...I mean their fashion sense is crazy and well, with French you never know.  Maybe they were straight...  I dunｎo... in either event they dressed better and sang better than me so I of course am jealous.

At one point we were sort of stationary in the harbor with a whole bunch of other boats around.. Sort of like a common place for small cruisers to chill.  So being a drunken boat of foreigners we decided to moon other boats.  So that’s what we did.  I am pretty sure there is photographic evidence this.  The entire time the crew of the boat did not say mum.  I mean, we pretty much did whatever we wanted.  I think at one point, it was me, Auralina and his GF on top of the boat.  I was like "wait a sec, why am I up here when these two should have some alone time?"  So I make my way down the stairs and at the bottom, close off the stairs with the chain.  A member of the crew looks at me as I do this, and then walks over.  He was wearing a white uniform, like he was wishing he was in the Navy or something.  I point up to the deck, shake my head and smile.  He then does a head nod, figures it out, and his eyes light up, and he like, tip toes away with me from the now closed off stairwell.  Why they hell we tip toed when the boat's motor was making so much noise I have no idea, but it was funny.

So the boat docks after we had our fill of drink and food, and we depart, drunk as hell and ready for more fun.  At one point Dan the man slaps Ivan in the face.  Now Dan is a cool cat, one of my favorite's here.  He's sort of like Craig, but maybe more pimp and a little rougher around the edges.  Sort of what you would imagine a frat dude on his own in Japan would be like.  He is hysterical.  Ivan is a cool cat, abed a little excited at times.  I don't know who he reminds me of, but I like him too.  Then again I like everyone when I am drunk.  So yeah, Dan slaps Ivan and in a comical way is like "WTF you gonna do about it?  EH?  Hit me BITCH!"

Little did we know Ivan grew up on the mean streets of Chicago's South side.  He Haymakered Dan in the arm like a pirate.  Dan, being drunk and about 30 pounds lighter, staggered back a few steps, and then hollered out a big "FUCK YEAH."  Note we are in Japan, where you are lucky to hear someone cheer if they won the lotto.  Ivan slugs Dan and you'd think the Super Bowl just started.

So that happened.  It has a little bit of meaning later on, so I mention it now.  While walking down the streets the group began to dwindle.  Some headed back to the hotel, others headed home.  Still, there was a steadfast group ready to rumble for more partying.  The team consisted of:

John A:  African-English dude.  Kick ass guy with a lot of class and an accent.  He rolled to the occasion with a hot little number named.....

Emi:  Cute Japanese girl, probably around her Mid-Twenties.  Her and John did a lot of hand touching/couplie things before the boat ride.....

John W:  Somewhat the realist/complainer, but super funny.  He was once referenced as background boy in one of my earlier tales.  Hyper intelligent and enjoys collectables.  I think he spend nearly a grand on a bell.  Whatever floats your boat I guess?

Dan:  Referenced before.  Started off here in Japan a little annoyed at the dude, but have quickly grown to love his eccentric humor, Laid back insights and a common dislike for Joe Splendorio.  Yes, this guy knows Joe Speldorio.  Our bond was forged in his common dislike.  I suppose he was good for something.

Ivan Del Real:  Mentioned above.  Funny cat, a little over-excited sometimes, and enjoys pointing out the obvious.  You know these guys.  Ivan is a sort of an evolved one.  His cheer is mildly infectious though, so you can't help but like him.

Amanda:  Canadian ex-cop who has thrown some signals my way in the past.  Interesting gal knows what is up.

Russell:  The man does not own a computer.  He is from England.  Cool guy, big into soccer.  Sort of what you would expect out of a semi-soccer hooligan.  Very funny, enjoys making fun of people.  Some would call him a dick for it.  It only makes me endear him more.

Tamae:  Pretty much the head of the AJET council; a very smiley, cool girl.  I think of her as older, though I have a feeling I am a little older.  Who knows?

Adriana:  German girl who has command over many languages, especially Japanese.  I often hit her up with my bad German accent.  I know she loves it though.

Last but not least NICK:  The gay Scotsman.  Pretty much the funniest person in all of Ibaraki JET.  Funny points of view.  He has been seeing one of the private ALTs in Koga.  The man can make the most mundane shit hysterical.  At a meeting once we were talking about how to keep your apartment free of bugs.  Nick's comment:  "Fockin ell jus step on the toasty buggars and be done with it."  You really have to meet him to get it, but safe to say he is hysterical.

So enough dossier and more story.  So this elite team of drunken internationals made their way to Shibuya.  Shibuya of Lost in Translation, Fast and the Furious 3 and 109 fame.  You have seen the giant crosswalk in any movie regarding Japan.  It is the white hot center of all that is hip, cool and sexy in Japan.  Many clubs, bars, and headlining fashion shops call it home.  Of course to its south west resides a small glimpse of the id of Japan.  You know Japan like you know a classy lady.  She's always poised, always kind, always a lady, but you wonder sometimes; what is she like when she gets nasty?  If Japan were classy lady, how and where would she get freaky with it?  The Answer my friends is Shinjuku and South West Shibuya.  Housed in these cramped blocks with overcrowded signs is where youth culture gets it done.  Love Hotels, Clubs and Hostess Bars call it home.  We called it where we were partying that night.

So we walked around for what seemed like over an hour trying to figure out which club or bar we should go to.  To be honest we were all wasted out of our minds and no one really knew where the good clubs where.  Of course, me being loud, dumb, drunk and wanting to do research for the invasion in April, I blurred out "I hear Gas Panic is great."

Emi perked up and started talking in Japanese to Adriana.  Apparently she knew where it was and it was free entry.  Everyone headr free entry and it became Unanimous....  To Gas Panic we would go.

Its entrance was less than memorable...  Simply a hole in the wall with a sign that said Gas Panic.  To be honest I was a bit too drunk to remember it with any real accuracy, so I mean it could have been golden arches and naked pole dancers, but all  I remember is what I saw when I walked in....

So as with every sketchy bar in history it is dark.  The ambiance when I first walked in was troubling.  To my right were a row of intimidating black dudes with angry faces on.  They just stood there, working over the scene, but doing nothing.  I am pretty sure they were paid to be there, to give the place a "gangster" attitude.  I suppose that’s the night we came on too, Gangster night.  There were no ordinary Japanese dudes, all seemed to be going for the urban rapper look, which amused me.  Giant baseball Jerseys, low pants, sideways straight rimmed caps, and a few even had diamonds in their teeth.  It was for all intensive purposes a sight to see.  Of course what brought down the illusion was the Spanish music blaring in the background and the boat load of white guys who just walked in, including yours truly.  I knew how it was going to roll though.  We were going to own the place.  Why?

Well, lets be honest, these J dudes dressed hard, and they dressed well, but they had about as much bite as my dog.  FYI my dog is dead.  The giant black men were more than likely from Nigeria or the surrounding Asian countries, expats there illegally who work as street team guys.  They would not mess because it would mean their job in places like this.  So what is a crew of Crackers (Okay, one black dude, but he was from England) to do?  Simple.  I swaggered straight to the back dance floor, where the music was loudest and where all the ladies looking for fun shook that ass, knocking shoulders with the wannabes all the way through.

Now sounds like a good time to talk about Discovery Channel Thug.  On my way to the dance floor I saw him and I literally had to stop in my tracks.  There was this one guy, sort of half Asian half something else, all done up with the low jeans and giant jersey, and diamonds in the grill.  He sort of had a small crowd around him, obviously his posse, or his bros; I know not the current vernacular for a punch of idiots that follow another idiot around because he has more diamonds in his teeth.  So there is this guy, in the center of a small crowd, with another girl who was sitting on a chair watching him.  She was relatively attractive, not the hottest, like the Alpha female we will get to later.  So DCT proceeds to sort of half walk, half dance up to her.  He then gets in her face, looking her over.  He then spins around and looks at his boys, sort of does a roster scratch with his feet, as if to show his dominance in the area and to get their opinion at the same time.  He then proceeds to walk back to the girl, and for about 3 seconds dance with her as she is sitting in the chair, then retreats back a couple more feet and stops.  This happens multiple times, and both the girl and his friends seem pleased over it.  I felt like any moment I would hear the voice of Steve Irwin post-hismously state "Note his dominance over the other males as he performs the second part of his mating dance; the "Can I buy you a drink bitch?" strut."  It was amazing in that way that watching a gazelle getting ripped apart by a lion is amazing; it was horrific but you couldn’t look away.

So anyway, to the dance floor.  In the center of it were J-girls dancing with themselves, save the one or two brave, drunken wannabe thugs who attempted some level of game.  For the most part the girls were watched by the guys, who did their best to look thug, or hard or whatever as they sipped on their Zimas and nodded their heads.  Everyone in the elite crack team of Gaijin rolled to the center and just started dancing.  After a couple minutes we had beers in our hands and Dan and I were talking to some Japanese girls.  Little did I know Dan was in total blackout mode.  When discussing the night the next day, he admits to remembering walking in, but everything else was a mystery to him.  John A was dancing with Tamae, and his little number Emi was at the bar with Adriana and John W.  Nick was sort of dancing with himself, Amanda with everyone, and Ivan and Russell with some other girls.  All was well on the dance floor.  But of course, one always scopes out all the ladies in the club, and I saw her, the Alpha Female.

The Alpha Female is easy to pin down; she is generally the hottest, and has a gaggle of girls surrounding her hoping to pick off guys rejected by the Alpha Female.  She was up on the back couches, with a table blocking her, making herself a makeshift stage of some sort.  She was dressed in only a white sweater and jeans, but she was hot enough that it worked, plus she could not hide the fact that she had a slamming body under the garment; truth be told she had a nice set of sweater kittens.  Anyway, every so often a guy would walk over to where she was, and sort of dance in front of her as if auditioning on American Idol.  She looked down upon them, and would proceed to laugh with her girls, then sort of talk with them until he walked away, obviously not good enough for the Alpha Female.  Sometimes a chick from the female group would go off and chase him, sort of like a door prize.  "Thanks for trying; the hot chick doesn't want you.  Are you drunk enough to enjoy her not as hot friend?"  Bob Barker should have been present.

Of course I am too proud to be one of these American Idol bitches, so I sort of give her some eye on occasion but dare not dance near her.  Last thing I need is a door prize.  So I go off to the bar and get some more drink.  Tamae and John are still dancing, and Emi is sort of drinking by herself.  I chat her up for a second and then in a sort of drunken warp I find myself walking with her to the dance floor.  I don't know if I asked her, or what, but there we were, going from the bar to the place where everyone was dry humping each other.  I go to walk to where everyone else is, thinking that hey, maybe she will dance with everyone.  She grabs my wrist and drags me to the corner, and proceeds to dry hump me as well, but away from everyone else.  Apparently she was pissed off at John for ignoring her so she decided to dance with my like I was Justin Timberlake.   Will I complain?  Of course not, but at the same time I do not want John thinking I am trying to scheme on him with his girl.  So I try to make eye contact with him over the dance floor, but he is too busy dancing it up with Tamae.  Oh well.  What can you do?  So there I am griding with this overtly cute girl and I am like “Not bad, not bad at all…”

So I dance with Emi until she needs another drink.  She hops off to the bar and I start making headway through the wannabe thugs towards my group of friends.  I look up to where Alpha Female is, only to find that she is no longer on her make-shift stage.  I then wondered which dude in this place had enough game to get her off her perch.  A second later I had my answer.  There she was; Alpha Female sweating and grinding to the beat of American pop gone bad as curious hands enwrapped her curvy features.  They both seemed unaware of the eyes that watched them; instead they were both engrossed in one another...  The mystery man was.....

Amanda.

Let me lay down some simple girl math for you.  One hot girl with another cute girl dancing does not mean you add up the hotness and divide by two, there is no averaging, their hotness is simply added together.  It was the same in this case;  Alpha Female and Amanda dancing together was sort of like Voltron; combining made them stronger.  It was a simple power play that girls do for attention or to look sexy.  This seemed beyond everyone at the club.  My crew of Gaijin bros simply said "They must be, ya know, lesbians."  It seemed that everyone else in Gas Panic figured the same.  Not me of course.  I knew what was going on.  I also knew that Amanda digged me a little, so I knew what I was going to do was going to work.  I finished my drink, threw it on a random table where J-dudes where trying to look tough and I said to myself...   "I'll form the head..."

I walked over and placed my hands on Amanda's hips. She turned and smiled.  About a minute later I found myself between two sexy, gyrating women.  I’m not going to lie, sweat was shared and some necks were nibbled (sorry mom).  The hot Japanese girl was dretched and so was I after a couple minutes.  I win.  Everyone else sort of well, watched.  Except of course Dan.  I suppose one could say he "formed blazing sword" about 10 minutes after I started dancing with them.  The four of us danced for a while as people stared.  Good times.

One tip I should mention.  At Gas Panic dudes go around and harass you about your drink.  If you don't have one, they ask you to buy a new one or get out.  Solution?  Just carry around an empty bottle when you don't wanna drink and pretend you are sipping on it.  I did this up until I was dancing Voltron style.  A couple dudes with beer menus eyed me up, but they did not interfere with my dancing.  Had they I would have kicked them in the nuts.

So the night pressed on and we all got to the point where we were all pretty worn out and ready to hit the Hostel.  Dan was sort of walking about, Zombied.  Del Real and Russell were talking, John W was complaining, Emi was acting mad at John A, Tamea and Adriana seemed pleased and Nick was of course making a joke of the whole thing.  Amanda was busy getting Alpha Female's number.  I walked out of Gas Panic with my large crew through the slowly thinning numbers of people still there.  We broke up into groups for the cabs and soon were sped off towards Asakusa.

In hind-sight Gas Panic was really fun.  I’m not sure how easy it is to just walk in, score bitches and leave, but then again that wasn’t what the night was for really.  I had a good time, and the urban background noise was oddly familiar.  I know there are more of them too, so I will have to see if they are all thug oriented.

I shared a cab with Nick and Dan; Dan took shotgun while Nick and I just bsed for a while over the happenstance of the night.  We arrived in Asakusa about 15 minutes later, and with a hefty cab bill, since cabs cost a fortune in Tokyo.  Both Nick and I paid and hopped out of the cab.  Dan however did not follow; he was passed out in the front seat.  Nick dragged him out and held him over a bush as we waited for the others.  Eventually Del Real and Russell showed up, and the three of us headed to a combini as Nick took Dan back to the hostel.  After acquiring some water and cheap food, we headed back to the hostel, where I crashed in my closet sized room.

Epilogue 1:  The next day people were buzzing about during check out, going over the events of the night.  The highlight of course was Dan, who walked into the common room and announced, "I know there are a lot of rumors going around right now and I just want to set everyone straight.  Last night I got back to the hostel, took a wiz and went to bed.  Come morning I realized two things; 1.  My arm felt as if a truck hit it.  2.  I forgot to unzip my pants when I peed.  That is all, thank you."

Amanda was apparently at another hostel, so I could not inquire to her about Alpha Female.  John A apparently left with Emi... how that worked out I don't know.  All and all it was a fun night.

Epilogue 2:  A couple days later on the Men's forum of the Ibaraki Jet site Amanda snuck on an announced that she had been talking with Alpha Female and she wants to hang out again with us, but this time she chooses the place and brings more of her friends, but the guy who groped her boobs could not come.  The mystery groper was debated on for a long time.  Poles were crated, accusations made.  That is until....

Epilogue 3:  On the boat to Hokkaido Amanda decided she would announce the groper.  Everyone gathered to hear the news.  It was sort of assumed to be Del Real since he was kinda nutty and over genki.  When it came down to it though the culprit was none other than Dan the man.  I grabbed him up and started singing "For he's a Jolly good fellow."  Cheers ensued.  Dan's comment; "Well it sort of sucks, I don't mind being the groper but I mean, it would have at least been nice to remember those boobies.”  Many agreed.

So that was the epic tale of Gas Panic.  Alpha Female and Amanda set a date of the 24th to hang out again, but I have a wedding to attend, so I doubt I will be present.  We shall see though.  Hokkaido was an amazing trip this weekend, but I don't have the strength to write more, I am currently damn sick.  So hopefully you enjoy this.  Sorry about spelling, inconsistencies, etc.  If you have any questions let fly.  Now to sleep at my desk....

And thats what you gotta do.

My lord I am tired...  please enjoy....