and in all things there is a conclusion
in two weeks much will change, for better or for worse....that is to be determined...
she claims she understands, she claims to feel it...
and she claims she is in this with me, and yet all i hear is how she is alone...
she is helpless to do anything about her promise...
she is weighted down with her own burdens....
she really doesn't feel there, and is surprised i doubt her feelings when she only shares them when upset, only shares them when they hurt her so much she lashes out...
i hold on because i want to believe, but i wanted to believe before and well...i'm alone, as before...
i'm alone, caution keeps me out, and before too long i'll stop reaching out...its pointless to hold out your hand to someone who is not willing to do the same, and paitence is not and never was my virtue, yet in this cosmic fucking joke i have been paitent, yet i hold on...i want to believe that though it is all just something i've already been through before, that this time, maybe this time the sun won't set...
she'll use my lack of faith as her justification to leave, she'll lay it in my lap to hold as the reason she is closed off, committed to someone else, not capeable of being there for me
and if i let myself, i'll close off...i'll stop reaching out...i'll shut down...and then she won't be able to leave...she'll have been left....
so...am i impaitent?, is she too cautious? her feelings are real...her actions are not...maybe this was just a bad time...maybe she is so busy with all in her life that i cannot be anything more than an occasional stop to her...i want to believe that this is not so....i want to believe i am important to her...but time and again, i come in last...even now, even when i need her the most, she loves me, she wants to be with me....even knowing that our time together after this will fade to nothing, or fade to passing each other by...even knowing this....i am sitting here alone, in last place again, because she loves me, and wants to be with me...
wants to be with me because she loves me to the point that she's not here...
and is angry i have to pause to wonder if i'm going to pull my head out of my ass to discover the "sucker" sign taped to my back, or discover that she really did mean it and i simply had to wait for it to be possible for her to do...
he's been there for six years
so she sleeps next to him, because she wants to be with me but her commitment is to him
she's depressed, crushed inside and tired, so i feel selfish for wanting her company...
she finally has a chance to love doing her job...
i wait, but in my heart i feel very certain, if she doesn't reach out soon...she'll discover that she loved me so much and wanted to be with me so badly that i left so as not to be one moe pull on her...
that she lost me because she wasn't ever really there, and she'll blame me for it, because its up to me to hold this, to accomodate it all, up to me to be ok with it...its up to me to be the one who actually acts like i'm in a relationship...
i feel like i'm playing tennis with myself...i keep hitting the ball, but if i want it hit back, i have to do it myself...
i stopped sharing things, i've stopped alot of what i give, i think in the next two weeks, she'll go see friends, she'll be on the same schedule as him...she'll forget me...she still calls me him, she is not considerate of me in anything she does
i think how she acts in the next two weeks will show me if i am the butt of a very hateful joke, or in a real relationship with someone to whom i matter....
because as much as i want to believe her, i the last time i felt like i mattered to her was when she was still dating someone else...
she claims she understands, she claims to feel it...
and she claims she is in this with me, and yet all i hear is how she is alone...
she is helpless to do anything about her promise...
she is weighted down with her own burdens....
she really doesn't feel there, and is surprised i doubt her feelings when she only shares them when upset, only shares them when they hurt her so much she lashes out...
i hold on because i want to believe, but i wanted to believe before and well...i'm alone, as before...
i'm alone, caution keeps me out, and before too long i'll stop reaching out...its pointless to hold out your hand to someone who is not willing to do the same, and paitence is not and never was my virtue, yet in this cosmic fucking joke i have been paitent, yet i hold on...i want to believe that though it is all just something i've already been through before, that this time, maybe this time the sun won't set...
she'll use my lack of faith as her justification to leave, she'll lay it in my lap to hold as the reason she is closed off, committed to someone else, not capeable of being there for me
and if i let myself, i'll close off...i'll stop reaching out...i'll shut down...and then she won't be able to leave...she'll have been left....
so...am i impaitent?, is she too cautious? her feelings are real...her actions are not...maybe this was just a bad time...maybe she is so busy with all in her life that i cannot be anything more than an occasional stop to her...i want to believe that this is not so....i want to believe i am important to her...but time and again, i come in last...even now, even when i need her the most, she loves me, she wants to be with me....even knowing that our time together after this will fade to nothing, or fade to passing each other by...even knowing this....i am sitting here alone, in last place again, because she loves me, and wants to be with me...
wants to be with me because she loves me to the point that she's not here...
and is angry i have to pause to wonder if i'm going to pull my head out of my ass to discover the "sucker" sign taped to my back, or discover that she really did mean it and i simply had to wait for it to be possible for her to do...
he's been there for six years
so she sleeps next to him, because she wants to be with me but her commitment is to him
she's depressed, crushed inside and tired, so i feel selfish for wanting her company...
she finally has a chance to love doing her job...
i wait, but in my heart i feel very certain, if she doesn't reach out soon...she'll discover that she loved me so much and wanted to be with me so badly that i left so as not to be one moe pull on her...
that she lost me because she wasn't ever really there, and she'll blame me for it, because its up to me to hold this, to accomodate it all, up to me to be ok with it...its up to me to be the one who actually acts like i'm in a relationship...
i feel like i'm playing tennis with myself...i keep hitting the ball, but if i want it hit back, i have to do it myself...
i stopped sharing things, i've stopped alot of what i give, i think in the next two weeks, she'll go see friends, she'll be on the same schedule as him...she'll forget me...she still calls me him, she is not considerate of me in anything she does
i think how she acts in the next two weeks will show me if i am the butt of a very hateful joke, or in a real relationship with someone to whom i matter....
because as much as i want to believe her, i the last time i felt like i mattered to her was when she was still dating someone else...