where are you going, where have you been?
called out by keatsheart and possiblybored on my mysterious lj disappearance of late, i confess to being MIA on the substantive post front, each word [t]here chosen, as always, quite deliberately for more than simply it's most obvious meaning. and for me that is the world of late. layer upon layer of meaning upon meaning spliced randomly with a complete lack thereof; an at first indecipherable mass of confusion, a chaos wholly absorbing. and only with time do strands of inherent order begin to emerge. incapable of allowing myself to write, crafting morphic thoughts into objects so sacred to me, without direction, conviction. without soul, a thing i guard so closely, that takes no flight save the deliberate. enter the void and, through it, my absence here.
lately it's been almost an unbearably urgent need of mine that thoughts of where i am going precede those of where i have been, the temptation to look back instead of moving forward a powerful and cruelly seductive one though, in this moment, i cannot fathom why. i feel, sickeningly, that i've been the perpetual connie, minus the dawning awareness at the end. of what was everything? of what was everything.
and the world keeps turning, the sun appearing at regular intervals like the light from a lighthouse piercing the darkness, illuminating the eternal night. school soon, and i find myself eager to be back in territory entirely different yet intimately familiar. but first, time off from work. a few days with family, a roadtrip to dc for a week and the start of a new year...an enigma. time away from here, from and with myself, and, ultimately, time i'm looking forward to.
i wish you all a wonderful holiday.
<3,
a
lately it's been almost an unbearably urgent need of mine that thoughts of where i am going precede those of where i have been, the temptation to look back instead of moving forward a powerful and cruelly seductive one though, in this moment, i cannot fathom why. i feel, sickeningly, that i've been the perpetual connie, minus the dawning awareness at the end. of what was everything? of what was everything.
and the world keeps turning, the sun appearing at regular intervals like the light from a lighthouse piercing the darkness, illuminating the eternal night. school soon, and i find myself eager to be back in territory entirely different yet intimately familiar. but first, time off from work. a few days with family, a roadtrip to dc for a week and the start of a new year...an enigma. time away from here, from and with myself, and, ultimately, time i'm looking forward to.
i wish you all a wonderful holiday.
<3,
a