(no subject)
(I'm scared of being lonely)
My vow to not work as much this summer isn't off to a good start; I have one day off in a two week period. What will you do, what will you do?
For the past month or so- with varying breaks in between- perception has tumbled down on me. It seems I have developed paranoia and social anxiety. I flee most situations where there are people present who knew me two years ago. Flee Flee Flee. Strangers are fine. New classmates are fine. It's people from high school- full of judgements and what-have-you-been-up-to questions. The scale of my discomfort in these situations is not normal. I freeze, balk, become empty. And it isn't as though I'm obsessing over what they might think of me, I'm scared of their expectations and their misconceptions of who I was and who I am. I'm scared they'll say something unpleasant to me. I'm scared because I lock up and no one can reach me, not even those I love.
I'm translating this fear of my former classmates and peers into fear of being social and getting to know people, or more importantly, letting them get to know me. And if it's physically impossible for me to make small talk, for me to seem like a normal, approachable person- how will I ever survive when all my friends go away? I'll be lonely, I'll be lonely I'll be lonely forever. I get icy and edgy and defensive around people who are introduced to me- people who I don't choose first. Yes that's it- people I don't choose to get to know, or speak to, make me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in a I want to cry and hide and cover my ears and rock kind of way. In an "Am I autistic" kind of way (because you know 50-75% of autistic children have a developmentally or otherwise disabled sibling).
This paranoia is new and uncomfortable and I hate how it makes me question. How it makes me question if I'm ever happy- even with people I love. Where's my clarity, where did you go?
I don't like going out on Friday and Saturday nights. I don't like to drink and I don't like drugs. I just want to meet a nice boy, a nice boy who likes me. What's wrong with me?
My vow to not work as much this summer isn't off to a good start; I have one day off in a two week period. What will you do, what will you do?
For the past month or so- with varying breaks in between- perception has tumbled down on me. It seems I have developed paranoia and social anxiety. I flee most situations where there are people present who knew me two years ago. Flee Flee Flee. Strangers are fine. New classmates are fine. It's people from high school- full of judgements and what-have-you-been-up-to questions. The scale of my discomfort in these situations is not normal. I freeze, balk, become empty. And it isn't as though I'm obsessing over what they might think of me, I'm scared of their expectations and their misconceptions of who I was and who I am. I'm scared they'll say something unpleasant to me. I'm scared because I lock up and no one can reach me, not even those I love.
I'm translating this fear of my former classmates and peers into fear of being social and getting to know people, or more importantly, letting them get to know me. And if it's physically impossible for me to make small talk, for me to seem like a normal, approachable person- how will I ever survive when all my friends go away? I'll be lonely, I'll be lonely I'll be lonely forever. I get icy and edgy and defensive around people who are introduced to me- people who I don't choose first. Yes that's it- people I don't choose to get to know, or speak to, make me uncomfortable. Uncomfortable in a I want to cry and hide and cover my ears and rock kind of way. In an "Am I autistic" kind of way (because you know 50-75% of autistic children have a developmentally or otherwise disabled sibling).
This paranoia is new and uncomfortable and I hate how it makes me question. How it makes me question if I'm ever happy- even with people I love. Where's my clarity, where did you go?
I don't like going out on Friday and Saturday nights. I don't like to drink and I don't like drugs. I just want to meet a nice boy, a nice boy who likes me. What's wrong with me?