(no subject)
Hi Mom,
I'm just super down today. I don't like it... but in a way I really do like it. I think that it's the comfort of knowing I'm not as good as somebody else; that people just prefer to be with other people than me. I've learned that for years now. It always feels familiar when the next time it happens comes. All of this reinstates my belief of just not being "likeable". Someday I will feel like it's possible to not be a peice of crap. I think it's so dumb how age makes a difference. Here in my head I fought the age thing and won just so that the person I fought it for can lose! Seriously, I just want to be the old Eric and forget that she exists. Drop 100% communication. At least then I know I don't talk to her because I'm a screw-up. Another thing that I want to do is hang out with Courtney again. She asked for my phone number today. That was strange, why would she want my number again? She hasn't called me since January. When I get depressed, I almost instantly go to previous things. I want to listen to my bad music. I think about Laura again. I want to just hang out with girls. I want to give into lust. I want to do whatever the heck I feel like. I want to be selfish. I don't want to date a girl I want to marry, but I wouldn't mind just dating a girl I don't want to marry. Ahhhh I'm so mad right now! I feel just like every other time. I *start* to open up to somebody. I *start* to think that it's possible. I *start* to think that I am worth something. But then always something happens to just tear it down like claws ripping out your flesh. I learn that when I start to not be a closed box and I start to trust in something it gets ruined. Is this God's plan? Does he like seeing me fall down? He sure has had it planned for me to do plenty of times now. That's not possible though, because God is perfect. Then why the hell does this happen? Arg! It's not even just this that I'm sick of now, I'm just sick of everything that happens. I'm sick of not being anywhere. I'm sick of not being good enough for anybody. I'm sick of getting complimented from somebody I like when they're only saying it to be nice. I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of being what girls want "in 10 years". I'm sick of not having a future at all. I'm sick of failing at everything I try at. Most of all, I'm sick of not having any faith. I try and try and try. I read and study. What does this come from? How am I suppose to trust words in a book? It doesn't even make logical sense. It defies all theory. If you want to read about what's going on in her head you can by clicking here.
At least that's what she's typed to make available for her friends to read. I'm going to church tomorrow. I don't know why, I just am. I will sit behind her family in the back of the sanctuary so I won't have to see them. I'll find Liz and give her a dvd and then leave right away after it's over. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Maybe it's time to just give up. Giving up is so much easier than putting forth effort. I don't want to lose everything because of something I never had. I just feel so dumb how I put so much thought into somebody. I've put more thought into how everything with this seemed right than I have ever before. How is it possible to have sooo many coincidences that show good in something with just one person? I wish I knew when God talked to me. I thought that he was. I thought he was talking to you. I just don't know what to think now. I wish that I could talk to Nathan about it. He's been through it all. Hardcore stoner/druggie turned to Christ for help. Why can't I do the same? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so straight-edge. Sometimes I just I could just sin that much and feel good for that short hour. The new Eric is different, but I have no confidence that he can survive. Old ways are bright and easy. This sucks.
I like how you signed your email Mommie. It made me smile.
Your son,
Eric
I'm just super down today. I don't like it... but in a way I really do like it. I think that it's the comfort of knowing I'm not as good as somebody else; that people just prefer to be with other people than me. I've learned that for years now. It always feels familiar when the next time it happens comes. All of this reinstates my belief of just not being "likeable". Someday I will feel like it's possible to not be a peice of crap. I think it's so dumb how age makes a difference. Here in my head I fought the age thing and won just so that the person I fought it for can lose! Seriously, I just want to be the old Eric and forget that she exists. Drop 100% communication. At least then I know I don't talk to her because I'm a screw-up. Another thing that I want to do is hang out with Courtney again. She asked for my phone number today. That was strange, why would she want my number again? She hasn't called me since January. When I get depressed, I almost instantly go to previous things. I want to listen to my bad music. I think about Laura again. I want to just hang out with girls. I want to give into lust. I want to do whatever the heck I feel like. I want to be selfish. I don't want to date a girl I want to marry, but I wouldn't mind just dating a girl I don't want to marry. Ahhhh I'm so mad right now! I feel just like every other time. I *start* to open up to somebody. I *start* to think that it's possible. I *start* to think that I am worth something. But then always something happens to just tear it down like claws ripping out your flesh. I learn that when I start to not be a closed box and I start to trust in something it gets ruined. Is this God's plan? Does he like seeing me fall down? He sure has had it planned for me to do plenty of times now. That's not possible though, because God is perfect. Then why the hell does this happen? Arg! It's not even just this that I'm sick of now, I'm just sick of everything that happens. I'm sick of not being anywhere. I'm sick of not being good enough for anybody. I'm sick of getting complimented from somebody I like when they're only saying it to be nice. I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of being what girls want "in 10 years". I'm sick of not having a future at all. I'm sick of failing at everything I try at. Most of all, I'm sick of not having any faith. I try and try and try. I read and study. What does this come from? How am I suppose to trust words in a book? It doesn't even make logical sense. It defies all theory. If you want to read about what's going on in her head you can by clicking here.
At least that's what she's typed to make available for her friends to read. I'm going to church tomorrow. I don't know why, I just am. I will sit behind her family in the back of the sanctuary so I won't have to see them. I'll find Liz and give her a dvd and then leave right away after it's over. I just don't think I can do this anymore. Maybe it's time to just give up. Giving up is so much easier than putting forth effort. I don't want to lose everything because of something I never had. I just feel so dumb how I put so much thought into somebody. I've put more thought into how everything with this seemed right than I have ever before. How is it possible to have sooo many coincidences that show good in something with just one person? I wish I knew when God talked to me. I thought that he was. I thought he was talking to you. I just don't know what to think now. I wish that I could talk to Nathan about it. He's been through it all. Hardcore stoner/druggie turned to Christ for help. Why can't I do the same? Sometimes I wish I wasn't so straight-edge. Sometimes I just I could just sin that much and feel good for that short hour. The new Eric is different, but I have no confidence that he can survive. Old ways are bright and easy. This sucks.
I like how you signed your email Mommie. It made me smile.
Your son,
Eric