Savin' Me Chapter 10 pt 2
The ride back to Music Man’s apartment was deathly silent like Kat and Music Man just left a funeral. When at long last both of them returned to the relative safety of the apartment Kat finally felt that she could breathe and let go of everything she has been holding back.
“That was close… That was too close…” Kat muttered standing with her back against the door which felt more like a demarcation line separating their apartment from the rest of the world just on the other side. Looking around the apartment she is struck by the realization that this space has become familiar to her. If a piece of furniture were moved several inches in any direction she would know about it. Although Bret has paperwork stating his ownership or rental agreement with the manager of the building this place was no longer merely Bret’s apartment in Kat’s mind.
This is her home.
From experience Kat knows the dictionary probably has some bland definition for the word “home” and defines it as merely a physical dwelling or space that domestic, family life is centered around, which while accurate doesn’t sound very eloquent or poetic.
This place that she shares with Music Man is a life giving oasis, sanctuary, a refuge from the ills that have plagued her.
Kat hasn’t moved from her spot and Music Man has taken up a position in the center of her field of vision his features etched in an expression of-she doesn’t know what.
“Kat…” he whispers while staring at her with his big blue eyes, but she doesn’t stare back as much from shame for feeling weak as resentment for him being the source of her anguish. Instead Kat focuses on the empty square shaped plastic food storage container she is still grasping. She knows why he is concerned. She knows why she is upset and on the edge of breaking down. She saw the warning signs and she couldn’t stop it from coming. Kat lifts the container closer to her face as several recurring thoughts continue to circle in her head.
If she wants to keep the life she has with Bret she has to lie. No one else can make the connection that Bret Hart is Metro Man, or her life will become as empty as the container she now holds. She has to protect what she has at all cost. Everyone she meets, everyone she talks to is a potential threat and the closer anyone gets to her, the greater the danger. A mentality which feels very familiar… Why her Mother cared so much about what other people thought of her and their living situation Kat could only guess at, but the result was it put up an invisible barrier between Kat and everyone else. If people didn’t ignore her or reject her than they were dangerous and she had to keep them at arms length because of the secrets she carries and cannot reveal.
Utterly spent Kat didn’t realize Music Man is standing right in front of her until it looks like he is about to unleash the power of his healing bear hug huggle technique.
“I’M FINE! I don’t need a hug! I need to think!” She angrily shouted as she jukes to the right beyond his reach. Suddenly remembering that there are dishes in the sink that need to be scrubbed and put in the dishwasher Kat decides to pour all her energy into making sure they get done to uphold her part of the household chores.
“Katherine…” says a voice that Kat chooses to ignore.
In a huff Kat marches toward the sink and lobs the empty container into the metal wash basin. The container hits a coffee mug overfilled with silverware that jangle as they spill out onto a stack of disorganized plates and pans which only eggs Kat on. “WHERE is the drain plug!?” Kat asks the stack of disorganized dishes in the sink as she turns over every pan, mug, plate and glass to find it.
“Katherine.” Music Man booms from somewhere close to Kat.
“WHAT!?” She yells while turning in the direction of the nagging voice.
“You’re off dish duty...for tonight.” He says with an equally thunderous and commanding tone; his posturing and unyielding expression enough to take most of the fight out of her. He doesn’t look nearly so kind, gentle and harmless as she has grown accustomed to seeing him. In a not so subtle way she is reminded of her place and who she is dealing with-Metro Man.
“I am doing the dishes. I need to get these scrubbed and in the dishwasher.” Kat says while gesturing to the dirty dishes in the sink.
“That’s not what I’m concerned about-what I’m concerned about IS YOU!” His position made perfectly clear Kat folds under the leer of his gaze and his intimidating posturing.
“Can’t you see…I need…something to do…?” She says while slouching over the sink with her hands acting like blinders to keep Music Man from staring at her.
“Kat, it’s ok. Nothing happened…” He says laying a hand on her shoulder.
“Is that all that was…nothing?” She asks while looking at her reflection in a small standing pool of water in the sink. “How can you be so blasé about this?”
“You don’t need to be afraid--”
“You’re still not listening!” She yells standing fully upright again-the sudden movement enough to push Music Man back a few feet to a safer distance. “And my answer is YES, I do and so should you!”
“Katherine…I’m sorry. I just thought…we would be able to have a good time is all.” As maddening as his statements are, Kat can’t stay angry with him seeing the hurt and sadness in his face she decides that continuing to argue is pointless. From sheer exhaustion Kat leans her backside against the sink, while balancing on one leg and folding her arms across her chest.
“What scares me isn’t so much people finding out who you are. It is everything that comes after that… What scares me is what could happen…what is going to happen if people find out you’re not who you say you are and we get caught in a lie. If this is going to work we have to come up with a story and we can’t deviate from it for any reason!” Kat says, as her voice continues to climb and she boarders on becoming hysterical. “We can’t take chances! We can’t make mistakes! There is no margin for error! We get in a room with people we have told different stories explaining how we know each other and how we met everything will fall apart. They will start asking questions and then…” It all becomes too much as she shuts her eyes trying to cut off all external stimuli to her racing thoughts.
“Please don’t cry…”
“I’M NOT!” Kat snaps forcing her eyes open again, which are still dry, thankfully, as they settle on the floor at her feet.
Music Man lingers in front of her undecided about whether to advance, stay put or retreat from what she can discern from his fidgety feet.
“Is it alright if I give you a hug…?” Music Man asks as Kat glances up at him. “I hate seeing you like this and not being able to do something…” If not his words and the feeling of helpless they conveyed that matched her own than his begging eyes finally got through to her. Shyly Kat nods, fully extending her other leg so she is standing on both of them and uncrosses her arms. Cautiously she walks into his open arms and hugs him as tight as her strength will allow for fear that some arbitrary force will take him away from her. “That won’t happen because I won’t let it…” Music Man says as he encircles her with his arms.
“We have to be smarter than this. I don’t like…lying…and keeping secrets...” Kat rattles off with her eyes now closed.
“Neither do I…” Music Man somberly replies. “Your Dad was a tattoo artist?” The musician asks after a few minutes pass by without a spoken word between them. Relying on her other senses Kat can feel Music Man’s eyes on her and looks up to meet his questioning face.
“Yeah he was……” Kat begins while trying to hide her face in Music Man’s chest again. “Truthfully my Dad didn’t like me hanging around the tattoo parlor because of the shady characters who tend to frequent those types of places. Sure it’s perfectly fine for my brother to hang out as much as he wants, but he doesn’t want his little girl to be seen around the shop lest someone decides to kidnap me, grab me, pull me into the nearest alley and molest me or whatever.” Kat says unable to contain her revulsion to the idea that the world is one big scary place and she is just supposed to stay inside where it’s safe and never talk to another person for as long as she lives. “Sometimes...I would hang out at the place until my Dad told me to go home just as something to do or to feel closer to him since he was usually in the shop one day during the weekend…” Once again Kat feels the eyes of her benevolent landlord squarely on her so she looks up to find his eyes are intensely focused on her like he is testing his ability to see through solid matter and find out if this same ability can determine a lie from the truth. “Oh…so because my Dad was a tattoo artist I’m supposed to be covered in tattoos, have a nose or tongue piercing and dress like a punk rocker, goth or motorcycle gang member.”
“I’m staring at you because you’re speaking. Maintaining eye contact tells you I’m listening and non-verbally expresses my interest in what you’re saying.” Sheepishly Kat nods and returns her head to fully rest against Music Man’s chest. “Besides there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that so long as you protect yourself and that’s what you want…” the towering giant above her answers as one hand lightly strokes her hair.
“I want to be with you…” Music Man goes rigid at the statement, but without word or question he lightly begins to stroke her hair.
“Ok…”
8888
As Music Man stares at Kat who is clinging to him like he’s an oversized life preserver he finally understands how desperate her situation is, how much she is dependent on him and how incredibly frightening it must be to have all of that threatened with being taken away.
Not since Kat’s stay in the hospital has Music Man turned his gaze toward the heavens and wondered what he is supposed to do.
An answer does come to him, one that should be quite obvious, but he can’t accept it.
The truth will set you free… Or put you back in chains… Or send you off to jail… Music Man thought to himself. Throwing himself under the bus to accept the punishment he is due for abandoning his post-he thought he could live with that, but not if his choice made Kat suffer. He can’t convince himself that cleansing his conscious by coming forward is going to be anything other than a train wreck: subjecting Kat to a barrage of scrutiny from the press and photographers snapping pictures, asking questions intended to provoke a reaction and potentially leave her with no where to go and no one to turn to in his absence if the powers that be decided to throw the book at him.
It has been a long day with too many ups and downs to count. As bad as it sounds in his head he hopes that Kat will forget to ask him about what really happened on Metro Man Day.
Author's notes:
1) I deliberately left the description and character development of Anne's family vague and will elaborate on them more the next time we see them.
“That was close… That was too close…” Kat muttered standing with her back against the door which felt more like a demarcation line separating their apartment from the rest of the world just on the other side. Looking around the apartment she is struck by the realization that this space has become familiar to her. If a piece of furniture were moved several inches in any direction she would know about it. Although Bret has paperwork stating his ownership or rental agreement with the manager of the building this place was no longer merely Bret’s apartment in Kat’s mind.
This is her home.
From experience Kat knows the dictionary probably has some bland definition for the word “home” and defines it as merely a physical dwelling or space that domestic, family life is centered around, which while accurate doesn’t sound very eloquent or poetic.
This place that she shares with Music Man is a life giving oasis, sanctuary, a refuge from the ills that have plagued her.
Kat hasn’t moved from her spot and Music Man has taken up a position in the center of her field of vision his features etched in an expression of-she doesn’t know what.
“Kat…” he whispers while staring at her with his big blue eyes, but she doesn’t stare back as much from shame for feeling weak as resentment for him being the source of her anguish. Instead Kat focuses on the empty square shaped plastic food storage container she is still grasping. She knows why he is concerned. She knows why she is upset and on the edge of breaking down. She saw the warning signs and she couldn’t stop it from coming. Kat lifts the container closer to her face as several recurring thoughts continue to circle in her head.
If she wants to keep the life she has with Bret she has to lie. No one else can make the connection that Bret Hart is Metro Man, or her life will become as empty as the container she now holds. She has to protect what she has at all cost. Everyone she meets, everyone she talks to is a potential threat and the closer anyone gets to her, the greater the danger. A mentality which feels very familiar… Why her Mother cared so much about what other people thought of her and their living situation Kat could only guess at, but the result was it put up an invisible barrier between Kat and everyone else. If people didn’t ignore her or reject her than they were dangerous and she had to keep them at arms length because of the secrets she carries and cannot reveal.
Utterly spent Kat didn’t realize Music Man is standing right in front of her until it looks like he is about to unleash the power of his healing bear hug huggle technique.
“I’M FINE! I don’t need a hug! I need to think!” She angrily shouted as she jukes to the right beyond his reach. Suddenly remembering that there are dishes in the sink that need to be scrubbed and put in the dishwasher Kat decides to pour all her energy into making sure they get done to uphold her part of the household chores.
“Katherine…” says a voice that Kat chooses to ignore.
In a huff Kat marches toward the sink and lobs the empty container into the metal wash basin. The container hits a coffee mug overfilled with silverware that jangle as they spill out onto a stack of disorganized plates and pans which only eggs Kat on. “WHERE is the drain plug!?” Kat asks the stack of disorganized dishes in the sink as she turns over every pan, mug, plate and glass to find it.
“Katherine.” Music Man booms from somewhere close to Kat.
“WHAT!?” She yells while turning in the direction of the nagging voice.
“You’re off dish duty...for tonight.” He says with an equally thunderous and commanding tone; his posturing and unyielding expression enough to take most of the fight out of her. He doesn’t look nearly so kind, gentle and harmless as she has grown accustomed to seeing him. In a not so subtle way she is reminded of her place and who she is dealing with-Metro Man.
“I am doing the dishes. I need to get these scrubbed and in the dishwasher.” Kat says while gesturing to the dirty dishes in the sink.
“That’s not what I’m concerned about-what I’m concerned about IS YOU!” His position made perfectly clear Kat folds under the leer of his gaze and his intimidating posturing.
“Can’t you see…I need…something to do…?” She says while slouching over the sink with her hands acting like blinders to keep Music Man from staring at her.
“Kat, it’s ok. Nothing happened…” He says laying a hand on her shoulder.
“Is that all that was…nothing?” She asks while looking at her reflection in a small standing pool of water in the sink. “How can you be so blasé about this?”
“You don’t need to be afraid--”
“You’re still not listening!” She yells standing fully upright again-the sudden movement enough to push Music Man back a few feet to a safer distance. “And my answer is YES, I do and so should you!”
“Katherine…I’m sorry. I just thought…we would be able to have a good time is all.” As maddening as his statements are, Kat can’t stay angry with him seeing the hurt and sadness in his face she decides that continuing to argue is pointless. From sheer exhaustion Kat leans her backside against the sink, while balancing on one leg and folding her arms across her chest.
“What scares me isn’t so much people finding out who you are. It is everything that comes after that… What scares me is what could happen…what is going to happen if people find out you’re not who you say you are and we get caught in a lie. If this is going to work we have to come up with a story and we can’t deviate from it for any reason!” Kat says, as her voice continues to climb and she boarders on becoming hysterical. “We can’t take chances! We can’t make mistakes! There is no margin for error! We get in a room with people we have told different stories explaining how we know each other and how we met everything will fall apart. They will start asking questions and then…” It all becomes too much as she shuts her eyes trying to cut off all external stimuli to her racing thoughts.
“Please don’t cry…”
“I’M NOT!” Kat snaps forcing her eyes open again, which are still dry, thankfully, as they settle on the floor at her feet.
Music Man lingers in front of her undecided about whether to advance, stay put or retreat from what she can discern from his fidgety feet.
“Is it alright if I give you a hug…?” Music Man asks as Kat glances up at him. “I hate seeing you like this and not being able to do something…” If not his words and the feeling of helpless they conveyed that matched her own than his begging eyes finally got through to her. Shyly Kat nods, fully extending her other leg so she is standing on both of them and uncrosses her arms. Cautiously she walks into his open arms and hugs him as tight as her strength will allow for fear that some arbitrary force will take him away from her. “That won’t happen because I won’t let it…” Music Man says as he encircles her with his arms.
“We have to be smarter than this. I don’t like…lying…and keeping secrets...” Kat rattles off with her eyes now closed.
“Neither do I…” Music Man somberly replies. “Your Dad was a tattoo artist?” The musician asks after a few minutes pass by without a spoken word between them. Relying on her other senses Kat can feel Music Man’s eyes on her and looks up to meet his questioning face.
“Yeah he was……” Kat begins while trying to hide her face in Music Man’s chest again. “Truthfully my Dad didn’t like me hanging around the tattoo parlor because of the shady characters who tend to frequent those types of places. Sure it’s perfectly fine for my brother to hang out as much as he wants, but he doesn’t want his little girl to be seen around the shop lest someone decides to kidnap me, grab me, pull me into the nearest alley and molest me or whatever.” Kat says unable to contain her revulsion to the idea that the world is one big scary place and she is just supposed to stay inside where it’s safe and never talk to another person for as long as she lives. “Sometimes...I would hang out at the place until my Dad told me to go home just as something to do or to feel closer to him since he was usually in the shop one day during the weekend…” Once again Kat feels the eyes of her benevolent landlord squarely on her so she looks up to find his eyes are intensely focused on her like he is testing his ability to see through solid matter and find out if this same ability can determine a lie from the truth. “Oh…so because my Dad was a tattoo artist I’m supposed to be covered in tattoos, have a nose or tongue piercing and dress like a punk rocker, goth or motorcycle gang member.”
“I’m staring at you because you’re speaking. Maintaining eye contact tells you I’m listening and non-verbally expresses my interest in what you’re saying.” Sheepishly Kat nods and returns her head to fully rest against Music Man’s chest. “Besides there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that so long as you protect yourself and that’s what you want…” the towering giant above her answers as one hand lightly strokes her hair.
“I want to be with you…” Music Man goes rigid at the statement, but without word or question he lightly begins to stroke her hair.
“Ok…”
8888
As Music Man stares at Kat who is clinging to him like he’s an oversized life preserver he finally understands how desperate her situation is, how much she is dependent on him and how incredibly frightening it must be to have all of that threatened with being taken away.
Not since Kat’s stay in the hospital has Music Man turned his gaze toward the heavens and wondered what he is supposed to do.
An answer does come to him, one that should be quite obvious, but he can’t accept it.
The truth will set you free… Or put you back in chains… Or send you off to jail… Music Man thought to himself. Throwing himself under the bus to accept the punishment he is due for abandoning his post-he thought he could live with that, but not if his choice made Kat suffer. He can’t convince himself that cleansing his conscious by coming forward is going to be anything other than a train wreck: subjecting Kat to a barrage of scrutiny from the press and photographers snapping pictures, asking questions intended to provoke a reaction and potentially leave her with no where to go and no one to turn to in his absence if the powers that be decided to throw the book at him.
It has been a long day with too many ups and downs to count. As bad as it sounds in his head he hopes that Kat will forget to ask him about what really happened on Metro Man Day.
Author's notes:
1) I deliberately left the description and character development of Anne's family vague and will elaborate on them more the next time we see them.