(no subject)
I have a peace for once about this but I keep wondering if I'll jinx it. Because no matter what I always see something and I always end up seeing that its not what I want. I see into it and I just know but I still try to push past, but in the end I can never go against my heart. Why am I so sensative? And now when I'm admitting it's worth it I'm wondering, are you going to leave to? Will you keep your promise? As this progresses will I gain peace or loose it? I know your scared but I hope you realise soon.
Part of me is scared in a whole new way. Because all the other times despite my hope, or wistfulness, I knew it wasn't going to amount to anything. I feel like this will and then how will I feel? Bound? It scares me to think someone could have that "power" over me and I don't know why. Even when I longed for someone that could get me and I would willingly, without an agenda give myself to. Am I controlling? Independant? Or do I just enjoy being able to toy with multiple guys at once? Get their hopes up and crush them and feel like I mastered them in some petty way? Do I feel like I'm loosing control because I found someone I would swallow my pride for, and couldn't do that to? Why does it make me feel so defeated? And why do I feel like he breaks every resistance? No matter how I felt before, or how in love I thought I was with someone, I never felt like it was worth any sacrafice on my part, that I could play it and detatch myself as quickly as I wanted to, so I never took any of them seriously, and now I do and I'm not even in love. what do I see in him and what is it that I know is so different? I want to hate him for mastering that, for feeling like he beat me somehow. I don't want to feel bound or defeated, I want my pride to break so I don't play games to try to feel like I need something to hold over him. I want to feel free because I'm with him. In a weird way, even this that disheartens me the most cannot rend the peace he gives me.
Part of me is scared in a whole new way. Because all the other times despite my hope, or wistfulness, I knew it wasn't going to amount to anything. I feel like this will and then how will I feel? Bound? It scares me to think someone could have that "power" over me and I don't know why. Even when I longed for someone that could get me and I would willingly, without an agenda give myself to. Am I controlling? Independant? Or do I just enjoy being able to toy with multiple guys at once? Get their hopes up and crush them and feel like I mastered them in some petty way? Do I feel like I'm loosing control because I found someone I would swallow my pride for, and couldn't do that to? Why does it make me feel so defeated? And why do I feel like he breaks every resistance? No matter how I felt before, or how in love I thought I was with someone, I never felt like it was worth any sacrafice on my part, that I could play it and detatch myself as quickly as I wanted to, so I never took any of them seriously, and now I do and I'm not even in love. what do I see in him and what is it that I know is so different? I want to hate him for mastering that, for feeling like he beat me somehow. I don't want to feel bound or defeated, I want my pride to break so I don't play games to try to feel like I need something to hold over him. I want to feel free because I'm with him. In a weird way, even this that disheartens me the most cannot rend the peace he gives me.