can you hear me now?

[alouie5]

a lot has happened since i last updated. life became a whirlwind of hanging out and activities, i guess it's finally caught up with me. seems like i was in a different world a mere few months ago, even just a mere few weeks ago. things didn't work out as planned, things changing, things becoming harder. while i was never naive to believe that things would work out to be my ideal situation, i didn't think that some things would turn out a certain way. i'm becoming a bit frustrated, but i guess with the holidays gearing up, its ok since i'm well distracted by holiday anxiety (i know, since when did i get anxious about the holidays). i must say i've been disappointed by the turn of events with certain people, but then again, when can you completely rely on someone to actually do what they say they do and mean what they say they mean? it's such a shame that people have become so impersonal and wrapped up in themselves to think about how they affect others. i am definitely guilty of this to a certain degree, but who isn't? why is it that most of the time we go through life trying to rationalize our actions by saying "oh its nothing personal?" or "it's just the way it is". the only reason why something is "the way it is" is because people are complacent and too selfish to actually put something into it. if people were a little less selfish (myself included) and a bit more honest & giving, then things don't have to be "the way it is". people are so wrapped up in reciprocity and not being taken advantage of that they're giving even less of themselves. for once, i'd like it if people could just say something that they truly mean and follow through on their word. and i'll definitely do the same.

i suddenly feel all alone, as if i was adrift in the middle of the ocean... and i'm slowly sinking.