life or something like it...
my life has been pretty uneventful lately, but i guess that goes with the terrirtory when you only work 15 hours a week, don't have extra money to blow and most of your friends are away. but i guess in general i'm dissatisfied. everyday, now that its warm and i actually have the time to amble along, i see what seems like romantic love on every street corner. the cuddling, the hand-holding, the whispering of sweetnothings, and i can't help but wonder, did i really blow it? have i blown it? for the first 18 years of my life, i was so convinced that i was utterly unattractive and easily relegated myself to a life with men. and this was serious as i sternly questioned my own sexuality. happily, i've determined that i am in fact heterosexual and after a few years in college, filled with several "flings" have gained the realization that somewhere out there, i am attractive. a little too late seems to be what's flashing in my head right now as i look at my tired, exhuasted and sorry looking complexion. i wished i had taken better care of myself, that and that i never had to have that damn surgery when i was a baby for that hemorraging on the right side of my face. i think that's been the humbling factor in my life. the fact that a part of my face was scarred and that it was not attractive at all, not to mention my mother is fully conscious of it always. but i guess she has good reason to be, she feels quite responsible for it happening to me as e doctor had claimed that the hemorraging was a side-effect of the birth control she was using back in the day. supposedly i was not the only case in china. well, i'm glad there are people on the same boat as i, but where the hell are they? anyways, back to the subject at hand. so yeah, these days i am filled with anxiety about whether or not i will find that one person who can compete me. but then again, is there such a person? when faced with the question of do you believe in fate, i start stuttering and am at a loss for words. there is the persevering side of me saying no because i don't usually leave things to be and to happen by themseleves. i'm more of the go-getter type - i see something i want and i try to work my way towards it. but then there's the romantic side of me trying to believe that there is something that is in store for me, but just hasn't come yet because its not the right time. so i guess i'm a little bit of both, but i do think that most of the time, its more of the get what you want than it is he fate kind. so here i am, pondering the validitity if this as i am thinking, did i blow my one chance at happiness with a guy that i rejected simply because i was scared of his recovering illness? or was i just pidgeon-hole-ing him because he didn't follow the norm of going through life without questioning things and without rebelling. i mean this guy fit mmost of my criteria - he's taller than me, he can be witty, he's smart and educated, the guy's read more books than some of the smartest kids at school. in rejecting him, did i also reject my chance at happiness? is that why i never advanced past the dating level after i had rejected him? so if you reject someone for no good reason, does that mean it comes back to slap you in the face? is there such a thing as love karma?