Discovering Infinite Undiscovery, Part I (a.k.a. An Infinitely TL;DR Entry)
~
So I started playing a new game the other day: Infinite Undiscovery. And this will be somewhat interesting, since usually I am pretty damn spoiled for the games I play, either because I decide to start playing them because people I know are gushing about them somewhere and I look up all sorts of info on them before buying them, or…just because I get impatient and want to know everything already. But I know basically NOTHING about this game since it’s apparently not too super-popular, which could be a bad sign. But maybe I’m just not trolling the right places or something. Oh well, guess we’ll see, huh?
…And before I say ANYTHING else, I just have to say that I think this game has just about the STUPIDEST NAME EVER…who wants to bet that it probably lost something in translation? I really, really hope that this is the case… Even Microsoft Word judges you, Infinite Undiscovery, by not recognizing the latter half of your name. Of course, Microsoft Word judges just about EVERYBODY when it comes to names, so you are not alone, and are perhaps in better company than you deserve.
Buuu~t back to business. PLAYING NOW. @___@
…Okay, the intro was cool, I guess-I love me a good fight scene-but…nothing was explained at all, no exposition block was deployed, and I am feeling vaguely lost and semi-disinterested already even if the game is really freaking pretty…which is only to be expected from a Squeenix game, I suppose.
…Oh good, the PC starts out in prison. This is getting to be a common thing with this sort of game, isn’t it. Baldur’s Gate II, Tales of Vesperia…a few more I can’t remember off the top of my head… From now on, I think I’m just going to EXPECT to start in prison.
And then, lo! A grate in the ceiling is kicked out, and a girl comes bustin’ in! The same girl we saw in the intro-fight, if I’m not mistaken, and I’m 99.999% sure I’m not. (…AND AHAHA HER VOICE--IT’S TOTALLY WINRY, hellooooo Caitlin Glass ♥)
Action Chick: COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!
PC: …Uh, okay?
Action Chick takes out the guard in a cool mini-cut-scene thing. And…also apparently thinks the PC is THE HERO that she has a Hero Complex/Crush on…sorry, sister, you got the wrong dude. By, like, a MILLION, if the five minutes of him begging the guard for “something sweet” not gonna make the joke not gonna make the joke I SWEAR TO GOD I am NOT gonna make the freaking joke and some tea at the beginning are anything to go by. Though I’m sure by the end of the game, she’ll’ve come to love the PC (who is apparently named Capell) just as much, if not more, than her darling Sigmund, even if right now he’s much more the N-NO NONONO NO FIGHTING I JUST PLAY THE FLUTE CAN’T WE JUST TALK THIS OUT D8 (read: LOSER) type.
…Tutorial fights, unlocking BASIC options like being able to look at your items, skills, etc., breaking out of the dungeon, blah blah blah… Wonder why this kid’s in jail in the first place. Probably either because he apparently looks JUST LIKE THE HERO (even though…he doesn’t really, if Sigmund was the guy we saw in the intro fight), or his flute-playing is truly criminal. My vote is currently for the latter, though I certainly wouldn’t put the first past JRPG game designers and their love of Look-Alike Gambits.
…And oh my heavens, I’m not 15 minutes into this game, and the ONE bit of plot we’ve been given outlines The Big Bad’s plan to CHAIN DOWN THE MOON or something ridiculous like that. YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVIL PLANS INVOLVING THE MOON. SPECIFICALLY, THAT THEY ARE STUPID, ILLOGICAL, AND UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE SERIOUSLY, AND THEREFORE SHOULD NOT EVEN EXIST. B|
We learn that Action Chick’s name is Aya-and I will be having Weiss Kreuz flashbacks FOREVER now-and she’s being sort of aloof and snotty, but I can already tell that yeah, she’s gonna like Capell by the end of this whole thing. Hello Defrosting Ice Queen trope!
Anyway, we blow $#!^ up, the huge Ogre Jailer Guy who came out to chase us gets knocked down all these stairs, we escape the dungeon, and run through this forest at night in search of Robin Hood Action Chick Aya’s friends. Things go great until Action Chick Aya runs out of Action and is just left with the Chick part, meaning she all but collapses and Capell has to man up and carry her through yet another cut scene. And Ogre Jailer Guy has caught up to us, despite the fact that the game had us sneaking around to avoid being caught/noticed, and we’re surrounded! Action Chick Aya decides she’s gonna ‘take them all herself’. All I can say is lolYEAH RIGHT. Capell must’ve thought the same thing, because the first guy to come at Aya gets sucker-punched in the face, after which Capell stands in front of Aya all protective-like. Still, things look grim until SUDDENLY ARROWS FLY AND WE ARE SAVED BY-wait for it-SIGMUND. Of course! And his Merry Men!
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …
PC Capell: …Dude, he DOES look just like me. That intro-fight is bogus!
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: Yes, though of course my voice is MUCH deeper and manlier. You sound like a Typical Whiny Teenage Protagonist.
PC Capell: Huh. I wonder why.
Action Chick Aya: OH, LORD SIGMUND! <333333 *all but FLINGS herself at him!*
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …*UTTERLY IGNORES HER*
(Me: OOOOH BURN!)
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …*looks at Capell* You. With the dashingly handsome face. Are you all right?
PC Capell: …Uh, sure?
Action Chick Aya: … D:
…YEAH, I saw this coming, but Sigmund’s just…VERY cold to Aya. :| Which makes sense, I guess, since he has a war to fight and doesn’t need fangirls clinging to him. And you know how it is, if you let one in, soon they’re ALL OVER THE PLACE.
SIGMUND’S MERRY MEN: HEY HEY INTRODUCE US ALREADY!!
Okay fine. There’s suddenly a big party of people that I don’t care about. We’ve got Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene, Rough Around The Edges/Scarred Big Guy/Possible Berserker? Balbagan, Token Old Guy Genma (lol Digimon flashbacks now), and Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward (who looks sorta like Sasuke, but talks WAY too much for the parallel to really be complete). Combined with HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund and Action Chick Aya…IS THIS A PARTY OR WHAT. Now we just need The (Horribly Annoying) Kid, The (Also Possibly Horribly Annoying) Token Loli, and The Busty Flirty (and maybe ~Mysterious~?) Babe and we’ll be batting a thousand for Cliché Party Characters.
So we’re at camp now, and Capell chats everyone up since Rule #1 of RPGs is TALK TO EVERYONE. Sadly, this doesn’t tell us much really, so he goes to find Aya, who is apparently considered ‘very important’ to the party even if Sigmund didn’t give her half a glance. …And Edward got a MANLEH SHOULDER-PAT from him AND HE WASN’T EVEN THE ONE COLLAPSING AND BEING CHASED BY MURDEROUS OGRES, lol what is this.
PC Capell: …Uh, hey Aya. You…sorta collapsed, remember, so why are you not...sleeping or something?
Action Chick Aya: I CAN’T SLEEP, SIGMUND IS HERE AND I HAVE TO STALK HIM--BUT OH HEY YOU SAVED ME YOU SHOULD TTLY JOIN US :O
PC Capell: …Uh, I’m allergic to pain and fighting. I break out in a bad case of death, and you can only carry so much Phoenix Down…or whatever rez item they’re having us use in this Final Fantasy knockoff. But I’d really rather just sit around and play my flute…if you know what I mean. :3
Action Chick Aya: BUT YOU FOUGHT TO SAVE ME D:
PC Capell: …Uh, you almost COLLAPSED, remember? I couldn’t just leave you for the Ogre Jailer Guy to stomp on. I may be a wuss, yeah, but I’m not a TOTAL BASTARD, okay? Plus it was a cut scene, so I REALLY couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to.
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: *SUDDENLY DE-LURKS* RARRRRR I KNEW IT WE CAN’T TRUST HIM SEE SEE HE DOESN’T LIKE FIGHTING SO HE IS OBVIOUSLY A COWARD EVEN THOUGH HE TTLY RISKED HIS ASS TO SAVE YOU AYA GRAR GRAR RAGAHFHGFH
Action Chick Aya: *TOTALLY collapses this time. And MAN, she is DOWN FOR THE COUNT*
Gasp! Oh noes! Capell rushes off to get help and Sigmund, though not necessarily in that order, because yeah, he’s a derp. Regardless, help comes soon enough, I guess.
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: …*MAGIIIIIC!*
PC Capell: …Well?
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: It’s an old wound that we all apparently knew about but haven’t really done anything for. I cleaned it up, but I can’t heal it. I’m afraid she’s got a clear case of Plot-Railroading-itis.
PC Capell: …Uh…what?
Brain Glasses Guy Eugene: It means I can’t do anything about it, and she has to be treated elsewhere so you’ll have a reason to go to the next place and stay involved with our group through her rather than just going your own merry way.
PC Capell: …Oh. Damn! 8|;
Alas, apparently they can’t spare the time to drop her off at a nearby town, because they have to go bring down something called the Azure Chain RIGHT FRIGGIN’ NOW, MAN.
PC Capell: …Hey, wait a minute! Can’t you guys just-
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: *SNARLS AND TRIES TO GRAB CAPELL’S SHIRT-FRONT FOR LIKE THE TENTH FREAKING TIME falksdj* RARRRRRGH NO NO NO SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER SHE’D RATHER DIE THAN BE A BURDEN OR CAUSE OUR MISSION TO FAIL AND/OR BE SET BACK EVEN A DAY!!!!
…Okay, let me just say, if I were Capell, I would have had MORE than enough of this guy being so ridiculously grabby and hostile for NO FEASIBLE REASON. I would SO be like, I SWEAR TO GOD, DUDE, YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN AND YOU’RE NOT GETTING THAT HAND BACK AS ANYTHING EVEN VAGUELY RECOGNISABLE AS A FORMER PART OF THE HUMAN BODY. But since PC Capell is currently still in his Nonviolent N00b Stage, he doesn’t do a damn thing except squawk in protest.
PC Capell: -DUDE what is your DEAL-
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …AHA. IDEA. Capell, if you care so much, why don’t you take her. She’s unconscious, supposedly important to the group, and I don’t know you at all, but…with a face like yours…well, you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but in this case, surely an exception must be made. We’ll just carry on with our (NO GIRLS ALLOWED!!) mission…
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: *FURTHER DINOSAUR NOISES*
PC Capell: …Uh…remember what I said, about NOT being a fighter…?
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU I TRUST YOU OH BTW HERE TAKE THIS SWORD
PC Capell: …WHY THE HELL WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME. :[
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: OHO SCORE I DITCHED THE FANGIRL-PARTY TIME GAIZ
SIGMUND’S MERRY MEN: OHHHH YEAH, MAN! BROS BEFORE HOES, THAT’S OUR LEADER! *HIGH-FIVES & CHEST-BUMPS ALL AROUND*
PC Capell: …So let me get this straight-you’re ALL going to leave me alone in the middle of this dangerous area with an unconscious, injured girl WHO IS SUPPOSEDLY YOUR IMPORTANT COMPANION, and who I have to CARRY IN MY ARMS AND CANNOT PUT DOWN and therefore have NO WAY OF USING A SWORD even if I WANTED to, which I DON’T. That’s what you’re going to do?
SIGMUND’S MERRY MEN: YEP, PRETTY MUCH! BYE CAPELL, TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER! 8D 8D 8D
PC Capell: …YEAH, WAY TO BE, GUYS. B|
So Capell--who I think I have to call “Capellol” from now on--gets volunteered for nurse-maid duty, and you have to…carry Aya all the way to Nolan Ryan’s house. Er, I mean, this town called Nolaan. Though apparently the Merry Men aren’t TOTAL jackasses, because they follow along after you at first, which doesn’t make any sense with what they were just saying at camp, but don’t worry, they totally ditch you once you get out of the forest and leave you running across open fields all alone-AND THEN SUDDENLY, A DRAGON!
Capellol: …ARE YOU %#&@ING KIDDING ME. D8
Not in the least.
Capellol: %#&@. I was afraid of that. 8[
OH, BUT NO NEED FOR FEAR CAPELLOL-with plenty of zigzagging, you can stay miraculously Not-Dead! And so, a bit singed and VERY emotionally traumatised but otherwise unharmed, Capellol makes it through to Nolan Ryan’s place, which is something of a wreck, and looks sorta abandoned at first-but wait-
IRRITATING-LOOKING BLONDE KIDS: O HAY WE HEARD THE POSITIONS OF THE (HORRIBLY ANNOYING) KID AND (ALSO POSSIBLY HORRIBLY ANNOYING) TOKEN LOLI WERE OPEN??
Capellol: …Uh, well actually-
Rico The Kid: I’M THE BEST BEAST MASTER POKEMON TRAINER AROUND!
Rucha The Token Loli: AND I’M THE BEST SUMMONER AT MAGIC THE GATHERING!
IRRITATING-LOOKING BLONDE KIDS: WONDER TWINS POWERS, ACTIVITE! FORM OF THE LOLI BRIGADE! AND THE LOLI BRIGADE SAYS NO BANDITS ALLOWED!!
Capellol: …I show up carrying AN UNCONSCIOUS GIRL and asking to see your priest so I can get her healed, and your first thought is that I’m a bandit?
Rico The Kid: YEAH! D<
Capellol: …WELL, it’s too bad I don’t HAVE ANYTHING WITH ME that might CONVINCE you that I’m NOT a bandit…like a SPECIAL SWORD or something.
THE LOLI BRIGADE: …HOLY CRAP, THAT SWORD! YOU’RE SIGMUND-A ☆REAL HERO☆! 8O 8O
Capellol: …Uh, no, actually my name is Capell-
Rico The Kid: …OH, OHO YEAH, we get it! An alias, nice! Good idea! *WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE*
Rucha The Token Loli: The priest you need to heal that girl is mysteriously gone, but you’re a ☆REAL HERO☆, so you can stay at our house before you inevitably go try to save him! Come on!
Capellol: …Okay you know what, FINE, so long as it means I’m NOT GETTING FIREBALLS HURLED AT ME and I can PUT AYA DOWN, I don’t even care what you think.
Once you finally drop Aya on a bed in their little shack, some random lady who must be their mother (or older sister?) comes out and drops a bunch of exposition blocks on you. She uses a lot of words that have NEVER been used before, which sound like races or maybe social classes or just…technical magick-y terms, but it’s so out of nowhere that it feels like someone just dumped a whole box full of LEGOs over your head and expects you to make something with it all right away. Without any sort of directions. Or even the front of the box to look off of.
Capellol: …But basically what she’s saying is, going to that temple to save the priest is my next plot point. And…once again, I have no choice unless I want to let Aya die.
THE LOLI BRIGADE: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LORD SIG-ER-CAPELLOL, THAT SWORD MEANS YOU’RE A ☆REAL HERO☆ SO COME ON COME ON LET’S GO SAVE OUR DAD THE PRIEST!
Capellol: …I’m starting to think Sigmund set me up with this sword thing. B| And wait-he’s your DAD? ALSO WTF NO I AM NOT BABYSITTING. B|
THE LOLI BRIGADE: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE??? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE??? 8C 8C
Capellol: No! It’s too dangerous!
THE LOLI BRIGADE: …WE’LL KEEP BEGGING JUST LIKE THAT UNTIL YOU SAY YES~ >D >D
Capellol: ……….Uh. 8|;
FAIL!Mom: PLEASE TAKE THEM WITH YOU WE NEED YOUR HELP SO WHAT IF IT’S DANGEROUS HELP US HELP US BAWWWWW ;~;
Capellol: …Uh, whoa, wait a second-
THE LOLI BRIGADE: YAAAAY WE’RE GOING WE’RE GOING WE’RE GOING!! 8D 8D
Capellol: …Y’know, I’m REALLY starting to wish I’d stayed in prison.
So you putter around town a bit with a twin clamped on each leg, which is not really an improvement from lugging Aya around. You do the whole TALK TO ALL NPCs thing again and can start work on some sidequests, but can’t finish anything just yet (of course), then head off to the Shrine where The LoliFather Priest apparently never came back from. THIS OBVIOUSLY SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA, but Capellol has no choice because the Loli Brigade is carrying him off with them.
Capellol: …I’d run, but I think they’d pants me, sword or no sword. -_-;;
THE LOLI BRIGADE: *EVIL TITTERS OF LAUGHTER*
So you get dragged off to a “temple” that for the most part just looks like a bunch of caves with some fancy doors slapped on the front and some torches and a few ugly statues inside. But we’re getting our Cave!Dungeon in early, though I doubt it’ll be the last. Inside the caves, Rico the Kid shows off his Pokemon Master skillz by chatting it up with some mice, which is fairly pointless, though it does let you find the SEEKRIT ROOM where there’s some extra stuff for you to take, because like all (J)RPG characters, you’re a klepto who picks up EVERYTHING YOU FIND and takes the stuff out of any chest you happen across. When you finally get into the shrine proper, who should be waiting for you but Ogre Jailer Guy? How he got into the shrine BEFORE you, when the only way to get to either entrance is STRAIGHT THROUGH THE VILLAGE...who knows. And OF COURSE backing him up is ANOTHER dragon--Crystal Dragon Jesus, apparently, since he’s who/what the shrine was built for & btw THANK YOU FOR NOT MENTIONING THAT FACT, ENTIRE VILLAGE OF NOLAAN--who starts spitting fireballs at you. And lying dead on the ground is The LoliFather Priest. Despite the fact that they are, like, five, the Loli Brigade doesn’t seem too affected by this, and "help" you kick Ogre Jailer Guy’s ass...which basically means you beat the Ogre-guy to death while they run around in the background shouting out little battle cries you can only half-hear and wasting all their MP on heaven knows what. But it's not healing you. Ever. And it turns out Crystal Dragon Jesus is actually good! He stops with the fireballs and calls Capellol out on not actually being Sigmund (who he never claimed to be in the first place), then gives you one of his special crystals to heal Aya. And also a flute, so you can annoy people and find hidden things.
Capellol: …Uh, I’ve already got one, actually, and I don’t really want to…
THE LOLI BRIGADE: C’MON TAKE IT TAKE IT we know you’re not A ☆REAL HERO☆ but NO ONE SAYS NO TO CRYSTAL DRAGON JESUS…AND OH, HERE’S A GUILT TRIP-OUR FATHER WOULD’VE WANTED IT THAT WAY.
Capellol: …Your father didn’t even KNOW me. And…I don’t…want this. Mission. Quest. Thing. …But Crystal Dragon Jesus is looking a little ominous, and I want to dodge more fireballs even less than I want to take that flute, so…
So you take the flute and the crystal meth and after finding the seekrit exit with your new flute and pointlessly running down a straight tunnel for five minutes, finally get cutscene-transported back to town. The crystal meth heals Aya, then disappears, and Aya is Action Chick Aya once again. FAIL!Mother really doesn’t seem all too broken up by her husband’s death-she says she’d expected it would happen some day, which apparently makes it all better. Nice. Meanwhile, Little Annoying Thing One and Little Annoying Thing Two have decided that they’re coming along to join the Rebel Alliance Resistance.
Capellol: …WHOA whoa whoa! No! Again! This is too dangerous, and you’re KIDS! Talk some sense into them, FAIL!Mom!
FAIL!Mom: …OKAY KIDS…WHY DO WE FIGHT? ^_^
THE LOLI BRIGADE: TO HELP PEOPLE OUT! 8Db 8Db
FAIL!Mom: VERY GOOD! ^_^ IF YOU’D SAID VENGEANCE I WOULD’VE SAID NO, BUT SINCE YOU JUST WANT TO HELP, SURE, GO AHEAD! IT’S NOT LIKE I’D WANT TO KEEP MY KIDS CLOSE OR ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY IF I’D JUST LOST MY HUSBAND.
Capellol: …WHA-wait just a minute-!
FAIL!Mom: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE THEM, MISS AYA D8
THE LOLI BRIGADE: YEAH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!
Capellol: -What is WRONG with you people, I said this is DANGEROUS, so I really don’t think-
FAIL!Mom: HERE’S YOUR ONE CHANCE, FANCY, DON’T LET ME DOWN! D’8
Oh yes, LUCKY YOU, you end up getting to be a PERMANENT babysitter, which is honestly some of the most fail!parenting I have EVER seen. I could sort of understand it if they were ORPHANS, but…they’re leaving their recently-widowed mother all alone to…GO ANNOY THE WORLD, I GUESS? Though honestly, I can’t really blame FAIL!Mom for wanting to get rid of those kids. They ARE pretty freaking annoying. Maybe she just wants some peace and quiet for once.
Anyway, after you leave Nolan Ryan’s house-
Carrier Pigeon: MAIL MOOGLE AT YOUR SERVICE, KUPO! HERE YOU GO, KUPO!
--mail delivery! It’s a note from the Sausage Fest, a.k.a. Action Chick Aya’s “friends.” They ask you to pick up more beer and chips on the way over, because they apparently haven’t started their mission yet and they want you to meet up with them. So now there’s REALLY no reason that they couldn’t’ve taken Action Chick Aya to the Plot-Railroading-itis specialist. Regardless of this, you head off to the castle they’re having their tailgate party at, where you will likely have to pull someone’s ass out of the fire, because that’s just how things work. But before you get too far-
Action Chick Aya: …Soooo you weren’t too bad back there…I guess. BUT YOU STILL AREN’T HALF AS COOL AND AWESOME AND WONDERFUL AS LORD SIGMUND OKAY AND YOU’RE STILL A WUSS AND A COWARD SO THERE.
Capellol: ……Hmm, Sigmund, Sigmu-OH, you mean that guy who hardly even looked at you despite the fact that you were prettymuch DYING and then dumped you off on a complete stranger as fast as he could? Yeah that was REAL cool and awesome. And yeah, I’m TOTALLY a coward--did you forget that I carried you here, dodged dragons hacking up fireballs twice, and fought my way through a monster and Ogre-infested shrine for the sole purpose of saving your life? 'B|
Action Chick Aya: LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING OH HEY LOOK A CASTLE
Why yes, there is indeed a castle………that has doors that open inward. WHY does everyone get something so LOGICAL AND OBVIOUS wrong? A buttload of dudes are fighting on the front lawn, so the football game must be over. Also, despite the fact that Sigmund and his peeps are already inside, for some reason we still have to smash the doors down to get in. It’s even a minigame sorta thing-smash enough enemies with your catapult, get an Achievement! Hurrah! \o/
Once inside, you find Scarred Big Guy/Possible Berserker Balbagan, who from the look and sound of him is no longer only a POSSIBLE Berserker. He rushes off into the castle, leaving you to be mauled by the gargoyles lining parts of the halls, rescue some Resistance soldiers, and get another Achievement if you do it all fast enough…though of course, they ALL think you’re Sigmund, so really you get ZERO CREDIT for it. Nice.
Capellol: …Pfff, yeah, story of my life. …Also, just FYI, if there’s another dragon anywhere in here, I am SO done with this. ALL of it.
You run around inside the castle, sometimes in the dark if you forgot to buy enough sunstones at Nolan Ryan’s house, until you finally stumble on two more members of Sigmund’s Man-Harem. Party. Whatever.
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: O HAY AYA, you look better! And…you have children with you…OH WELL, I’ll stay here and watch the kids, you guys go help Sigmund!
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: ……CAPELLOL YOU STAY HERE TOO.
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: Now now Edward, deep breaths, there’s a good boy…and Capellol’s going because Sigmund needs all the help he can get, which makes TOTAL sense to say since five seconds ago I just said that I’M staying here to babysit.
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: ……ARGH FINE WHATEVER STAY CLOSE AND DON’T SLOW ME DOWN.
Action Chick Aya: HEY SINCE WHEN ARE YOU THE BOSS? >|
Capellol: …Sooooo not getting involved here…
You run around a bit more, then catch up with HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund in time for him to…open a door, behind which is waiting a green-haired elf-looking dude apparently called “Starseer Savio” and another cut scene, which basically boils down to:
Action Chick Aya: BLAH BLAH RANDOM BACKGROUND INFO BLAH GEEZ YOU SRSLY KNOW NOTHING
Starseer Savio: CAPELLOL, ALLOW ME TO FORSEE *TERRIBLE THINGS* IN YOUR FUTURE THAT MUST NOT BEEEE! BUT I WILL SAY NOTHING ABOUT IT OTHER THAN THAT!
Capellol: Uh, what? 8|;;;
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: K YEAH WHATEVER, Capellol, escort him back to Eugene. ALONE. For no good reason other than to give you some time to chat.
Starseer Savio takes FULL advantage of this, deploying yet anther exposition block. Apparently EVERYONE IN THE WORLD is marked with something called a Lunaglyph when they’re born, and the marking and how powerful it is depends on what phase the moon is in when the kid’s born. Which, obviously, means those unlucky shmucks who are born during the New Moon are SOL. They’re called THE UNBLESSED, which is a pretty depressing name, but also pretty accurate judging by the sepia-toned...maybe-flashback of a group of little kids all picking on another one, who I suppose we’re to assume is one of THE UNBLESSED and is mostly likely Capellol himself. Though it could be Sigmund as well, I guess. Savio remarks that it’s odd that Capellol doesn’t use lunaglyphs, and Capellol proceeds to look and sound decidedly uncomfortable about this topic of conversation.
Starseer Savio: …ANYWAY, ONCE AGAIN YOU AND SIGMUND HAVE SOMETHING VERY UNUSUAL IN COMMON. HE DOESN’T USE LUNAGLYPHS EITHER…
Capellol: …Huh. That’s…great. Dooon’t really wanna talk about this. ANYWAY, gotta go, Boss Battle comin’ up. You just…stay here and be esoteric, ‘kay?
More running through the castle and fighting, and Capellol uses his flute to dispel an illusion and get through a fake wall…which Sigmund has already gotten through somehow, even though I doubt he has a flute…and then BOSS FIGHT.
Which is pretty easy, really, even if the game is RETARDED in that once you’re locked onto a target, for some reason it won’t let you turn the camera anymore. But whatever, you (which in this case really means ‘mostly Sigmund, since he’s technically not in your party and thus is blessed with limitless HP’) beat down some random mook who we’ve never heard of before, then HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund steps up to bat and smashes…what looks like a crystal ball, or one of those hideous lawn ornaments. Edward and Aya gasp and ooh and aah over this, because OMG IT’S IMPOSSIBLE THEY CAN’T HELP HIM NO ONE CAN HELP HIM NO ONE CAN DO THIS SORT OF THING BUT SIGGY DOES IT ANYWAY BECAUSE HE’S A ☆REAL HERO☆!
…Who breaks the thing, and then promptly collapses to his knees and starts coughing up blood.
Capellol: …WHOA. PROBABLY NOT A GOOD SIGN, DUDE. 8|
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: *STANDS, brushing aside the grabby-hands from both Edward and Aya, and WALKS IT OFF LIKE A MAN* …ANYWAY. Much as I enjoy looking at myself appreciate what you’ve done…CAPELLOL, THIS IS WAR, AND I CANNOT RISK HAVING ANYTHING HAPPEN TO A FACE LIKE THAT SO-
Action Chick Aya: -HE SHOULD JOIN US!
Capellol: WHAT
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: WHAT
Capellol: HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING, I don’t want to fight! I only say that at least twice every cut scene, which means I’ve said it like twenty-eight times by now! Don’t I get ANY say in this decision?!
Action Chick Aya: NO! COME ON IT’S A GREAT IDEA
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: ARE YOU KIDDING, IT’S A SUCKY IDEA
Capellol: (Never thought I’d say this but-) Yeah, what he said! D<
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: SHUT UP YOU
Capellol: O-OKAY :'|
Action Chick Aya: PLEEEEEEEEEASE CAN WE KEEP HIM 8'C
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …FINE BUT HE’S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY-YOU HAVE TO FEED HIM, WALK HIM, MAKE SURE HE HAS CLEAN WATER…AND IF HE JOINS US, HE WON’T RECEIVE ANY MORE SPECIAL TREATMENT.
Capellol: ...Wh...WHAT?! Y-you guys ABANDONED ME, and YOU PERSONALLY gave me a sword that you KNEW would make EVERYONE I MET think I was YOU, and then ALL OF YOU KEPT FORCING ME TO FIGHT EVEN WHEN I SAID NO how is that SPECIAL TREATMENT
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: ……*FFFFF ADDS HIM TO THE GUILD ANYWAY* :|
Action Chick Aya: WELCOME TO THE PARTY! 8D HERE, HAVE A CONGRATULATORY KICK IN THE SHIN
Capellol: *WIBBLES, OBVIOUSLY SO VERY CLOSE TO TEARS* ........I…I think I give up. ;~;
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: AIIGHT GUYS, PACK IT UP, WE’RE GOIN’ HOME FOR A VICTORY PAR-TAY.
…And this is already VERY tl;dr, so we’ll stop there for now. |D
So I started playing a new game the other day: Infinite Undiscovery. And this will be somewhat interesting, since usually I am pretty damn spoiled for the games I play, either because I decide to start playing them because people I know are gushing about them somewhere and I look up all sorts of info on them before buying them, or…just because I get impatient and want to know everything already. But I know basically NOTHING about this game since it’s apparently not too super-popular, which could be a bad sign. But maybe I’m just not trolling the right places or something. Oh well, guess we’ll see, huh?
…And before I say ANYTHING else, I just have to say that I think this game has just about the STUPIDEST NAME EVER…who wants to bet that it probably lost something in translation? I really, really hope that this is the case… Even Microsoft Word judges you, Infinite Undiscovery, by not recognizing the latter half of your name. Of course, Microsoft Word judges just about EVERYBODY when it comes to names, so you are not alone, and are perhaps in better company than you deserve.
Buuu~t back to business. PLAYING NOW. @___@
…Okay, the intro was cool, I guess-I love me a good fight scene-but…nothing was explained at all, no exposition block was deployed, and I am feeling vaguely lost and semi-disinterested already even if the game is really freaking pretty…which is only to be expected from a Squeenix game, I suppose.
…Oh good, the PC starts out in prison. This is getting to be a common thing with this sort of game, isn’t it. Baldur’s Gate II, Tales of Vesperia…a few more I can’t remember off the top of my head… From now on, I think I’m just going to EXPECT to start in prison.
And then, lo! A grate in the ceiling is kicked out, and a girl comes bustin’ in! The same girl we saw in the intro-fight, if I’m not mistaken, and I’m 99.999% sure I’m not. (…AND AHAHA HER VOICE--IT’S TOTALLY WINRY, hellooooo Caitlin Glass ♥)
Action Chick: COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!
PC: …Uh, okay?
Action Chick takes out the guard in a cool mini-cut-scene thing. And…also apparently thinks the PC is THE HERO that she has a Hero Complex/Crush on…sorry, sister, you got the wrong dude. By, like, a MILLION, if the five minutes of him begging the guard for “something sweet” not gonna make the joke not gonna make the joke I SWEAR TO GOD I am NOT gonna make the freaking joke and some tea at the beginning are anything to go by. Though I’m sure by the end of the game, she’ll’ve come to love the PC (who is apparently named Capell) just as much, if not more, than her darling Sigmund, even if right now he’s much more the N-NO NONONO NO FIGHTING I JUST PLAY THE FLUTE CAN’T WE JUST TALK THIS OUT D8 (read: LOSER) type.
…Tutorial fights, unlocking BASIC options like being able to look at your items, skills, etc., breaking out of the dungeon, blah blah blah… Wonder why this kid’s in jail in the first place. Probably either because he apparently looks JUST LIKE THE HERO (even though…he doesn’t really, if Sigmund was the guy we saw in the intro fight), or his flute-playing is truly criminal. My vote is currently for the latter, though I certainly wouldn’t put the first past JRPG game designers and their love of Look-Alike Gambits.
…And oh my heavens, I’m not 15 minutes into this game, and the ONE bit of plot we’ve been given outlines The Big Bad’s plan to CHAIN DOWN THE MOON or something ridiculous like that. YOU ALL SHOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EVIL PLANS INVOLVING THE MOON. SPECIFICALLY, THAT THEY ARE STUPID, ILLOGICAL, AND UTTERLY IMPOSSIBLE TO TAKE SERIOUSLY, AND THEREFORE SHOULD NOT EVEN EXIST. B|
We learn that Action Chick’s name is Aya-and I will be having Weiss Kreuz flashbacks FOREVER now-and she’s being sort of aloof and snotty, but I can already tell that yeah, she’s gonna like Capell by the end of this whole thing. Hello Defrosting Ice Queen trope!
Anyway, we blow $#!^ up, the huge Ogre Jailer Guy who came out to chase us gets knocked down all these stairs, we escape the dungeon, and run through this forest at night in search of Robin Hood Action Chick Aya’s friends. Things go great until Action Chick Aya runs out of Action and is just left with the Chick part, meaning she all but collapses and Capell has to man up and carry her through yet another cut scene. And Ogre Jailer Guy has caught up to us, despite the fact that the game had us sneaking around to avoid being caught/noticed, and we’re surrounded! Action Chick Aya decides she’s gonna ‘take them all herself’. All I can say is lolYEAH RIGHT. Capell must’ve thought the same thing, because the first guy to come at Aya gets sucker-punched in the face, after which Capell stands in front of Aya all protective-like. Still, things look grim until SUDDENLY ARROWS FLY AND WE ARE SAVED BY-wait for it-SIGMUND. Of course! And his Merry Men!
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …
PC Capell: …Dude, he DOES look just like me. That intro-fight is bogus!
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: Yes, though of course my voice is MUCH deeper and manlier. You sound like a Typical Whiny Teenage Protagonist.
PC Capell: Huh. I wonder why.
Action Chick Aya: OH, LORD SIGMUND! <333333 *all but FLINGS herself at him!*
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …*UTTERLY IGNORES HER*
(Me: OOOOH BURN!)
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …*looks at Capell* You. With the dashingly handsome face. Are you all right?
PC Capell: …Uh, sure?
Action Chick Aya: … D:
…YEAH, I saw this coming, but Sigmund’s just…VERY cold to Aya. :| Which makes sense, I guess, since he has a war to fight and doesn’t need fangirls clinging to him. And you know how it is, if you let one in, soon they’re ALL OVER THE PLACE.
SIGMUND’S MERRY MEN: HEY HEY INTRODUCE US ALREADY!!
Okay fine. There’s suddenly a big party of people that I don’t care about. We’ve got Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene, Rough Around The Edges/Scarred Big Guy/Possible Berserker? Balbagan, Token Old Guy Genma (lol Digimon flashbacks now), and Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward (who looks sorta like Sasuke, but talks WAY too much for the parallel to really be complete). Combined with HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund and Action Chick Aya…IS THIS A PARTY OR WHAT. Now we just need The (Horribly Annoying) Kid, The (Also Possibly Horribly Annoying) Token Loli, and The Busty Flirty (and maybe ~Mysterious~?) Babe and we’ll be batting a thousand for Cliché Party Characters.
So we’re at camp now, and Capell chats everyone up since Rule #1 of RPGs is TALK TO EVERYONE. Sadly, this doesn’t tell us much really, so he goes to find Aya, who is apparently considered ‘very important’ to the party even if Sigmund didn’t give her half a glance. …And Edward got a MANLEH SHOULDER-PAT from him AND HE WASN’T EVEN THE ONE COLLAPSING AND BEING CHASED BY MURDEROUS OGRES, lol what is this.
PC Capell: …Uh, hey Aya. You…sorta collapsed, remember, so why are you not...sleeping or something?
Action Chick Aya: I CAN’T SLEEP, SIGMUND IS HERE AND I HAVE TO STALK HIM--BUT OH HEY YOU SAVED ME YOU SHOULD TTLY JOIN US :O
PC Capell: …Uh, I’m allergic to pain and fighting. I break out in a bad case of death, and you can only carry so much Phoenix Down…or whatever rez item they’re having us use in this Final Fantasy knockoff. But I’d really rather just sit around and play my flute…if you know what I mean. :3
Action Chick Aya: BUT YOU FOUGHT TO SAVE ME D:
PC Capell: …Uh, you almost COLLAPSED, remember? I couldn’t just leave you for the Ogre Jailer Guy to stomp on. I may be a wuss, yeah, but I’m not a TOTAL BASTARD, okay? Plus it was a cut scene, so I REALLY couldn’t leave you even if I wanted to.
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: *SUDDENLY DE-LURKS* RARRRRR I KNEW IT WE CAN’T TRUST HIM SEE SEE HE DOESN’T LIKE FIGHTING SO HE IS OBVIOUSLY A COWARD EVEN THOUGH HE TTLY RISKED HIS ASS TO SAVE YOU AYA GRAR GRAR RAGAHFHGFH
Action Chick Aya: *TOTALLY collapses this time. And MAN, she is DOWN FOR THE COUNT*
Gasp! Oh noes! Capell rushes off to get help and Sigmund, though not necessarily in that order, because yeah, he’s a derp. Regardless, help comes soon enough, I guess.
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: …*MAGIIIIIC!*
PC Capell: …Well?
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: It’s an old wound that we all apparently knew about but haven’t really done anything for. I cleaned it up, but I can’t heal it. I’m afraid she’s got a clear case of Plot-Railroading-itis.
PC Capell: …Uh…what?
Brain Glasses Guy Eugene: It means I can’t do anything about it, and she has to be treated elsewhere so you’ll have a reason to go to the next place and stay involved with our group through her rather than just going your own merry way.
PC Capell: …Oh. Damn! 8|;
Alas, apparently they can’t spare the time to drop her off at a nearby town, because they have to go bring down something called the Azure Chain RIGHT FRIGGIN’ NOW, MAN.
PC Capell: …Hey, wait a minute! Can’t you guys just-
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: *SNARLS AND TRIES TO GRAB CAPELL’S SHIRT-FRONT FOR LIKE THE TENTH FREAKING TIME falksdj* RARRRRRGH NO NO NO SHUT UP SHUT UP YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER SHE’D RATHER DIE THAN BE A BURDEN OR CAUSE OUR MISSION TO FAIL AND/OR BE SET BACK EVEN A DAY!!!!
…Okay, let me just say, if I were Capell, I would have had MORE than enough of this guy being so ridiculously grabby and hostile for NO FEASIBLE REASON. I would SO be like, I SWEAR TO GOD, DUDE, YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN AND YOU’RE NOT GETTING THAT HAND BACK AS ANYTHING EVEN VAGUELY RECOGNISABLE AS A FORMER PART OF THE HUMAN BODY. But since PC Capell is currently still in his Nonviolent N00b Stage, he doesn’t do a damn thing except squawk in protest.
PC Capell: -DUDE what is your DEAL-
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …AHA. IDEA. Capell, if you care so much, why don’t you take her. She’s unconscious, supposedly important to the group, and I don’t know you at all, but…with a face like yours…well, you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but in this case, surely an exception must be made. We’ll just carry on with our (NO GIRLS ALLOWED!!) mission…
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: *FURTHER DINOSAUR NOISES*
PC Capell: …Uh…remember what I said, about NOT being a fighter…?
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU I TRUST YOU OH BTW HERE TAKE THIS SWORD
PC Capell: …WHY THE HELL WON’T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME. :[
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: OHO SCORE I DITCHED THE FANGIRL-PARTY TIME GAIZ
SIGMUND’S MERRY MEN: OHHHH YEAH, MAN! BROS BEFORE HOES, THAT’S OUR LEADER! *HIGH-FIVES & CHEST-BUMPS ALL AROUND*
PC Capell: …So let me get this straight-you’re ALL going to leave me alone in the middle of this dangerous area with an unconscious, injured girl WHO IS SUPPOSEDLY YOUR IMPORTANT COMPANION, and who I have to CARRY IN MY ARMS AND CANNOT PUT DOWN and therefore have NO WAY OF USING A SWORD even if I WANTED to, which I DON’T. That’s what you’re going to do?
SIGMUND’S MERRY MEN: YEP, PRETTY MUCH! BYE CAPELL, TAKE GOOD CARE OF HER! 8D 8D 8D
PC Capell: …YEAH, WAY TO BE, GUYS. B|
So Capell--who I think I have to call “Capellol” from now on--gets volunteered for nurse-maid duty, and you have to…carry Aya all the way to Nolan Ryan’s house. Er, I mean, this town called Nolaan. Though apparently the Merry Men aren’t TOTAL jackasses, because they follow along after you at first, which doesn’t make any sense with what they were just saying at camp, but don’t worry, they totally ditch you once you get out of the forest and leave you running across open fields all alone-AND THEN SUDDENLY, A DRAGON!
Capellol: …ARE YOU %#&@ING KIDDING ME. D8
Not in the least.
Capellol: %#&@. I was afraid of that. 8[
OH, BUT NO NEED FOR FEAR CAPELLOL-with plenty of zigzagging, you can stay miraculously Not-Dead! And so, a bit singed and VERY emotionally traumatised but otherwise unharmed, Capellol makes it through to Nolan Ryan’s place, which is something of a wreck, and looks sorta abandoned at first-but wait-
IRRITATING-LOOKING BLONDE KIDS: O HAY WE HEARD THE POSITIONS OF THE (HORRIBLY ANNOYING) KID AND (ALSO POSSIBLY HORRIBLY ANNOYING) TOKEN LOLI WERE OPEN??
Capellol: …Uh, well actually-
Rico The Kid: I’M THE BEST BEAST MASTER POKEMON TRAINER AROUND!
Rucha The Token Loli: AND I’M THE BEST SUMMONER AT MAGIC THE GATHERING!
IRRITATING-LOOKING BLONDE KIDS: WONDER TWINS POWERS, ACTIVITE! FORM OF THE LOLI BRIGADE! AND THE LOLI BRIGADE SAYS NO BANDITS ALLOWED!!
Capellol: …I show up carrying AN UNCONSCIOUS GIRL and asking to see your priest so I can get her healed, and your first thought is that I’m a bandit?
Rico The Kid: YEAH! D<
Capellol: …WELL, it’s too bad I don’t HAVE ANYTHING WITH ME that might CONVINCE you that I’m NOT a bandit…like a SPECIAL SWORD or something.
THE LOLI BRIGADE: …HOLY CRAP, THAT SWORD! YOU’RE SIGMUND-A ☆REAL HERO☆! 8O 8O
Capellol: …Uh, no, actually my name is Capell-
Rico The Kid: …OH, OHO YEAH, we get it! An alias, nice! Good idea! *WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE*
Rucha The Token Loli: The priest you need to heal that girl is mysteriously gone, but you’re a ☆REAL HERO☆, so you can stay at our house before you inevitably go try to save him! Come on!
Capellol: …Okay you know what, FINE, so long as it means I’m NOT GETTING FIREBALLS HURLED AT ME and I can PUT AYA DOWN, I don’t even care what you think.
Once you finally drop Aya on a bed in their little shack, some random lady who must be their mother (or older sister?) comes out and drops a bunch of exposition blocks on you. She uses a lot of words that have NEVER been used before, which sound like races or maybe social classes or just…technical magick-y terms, but it’s so out of nowhere that it feels like someone just dumped a whole box full of LEGOs over your head and expects you to make something with it all right away. Without any sort of directions. Or even the front of the box to look off of.
Capellol: …But basically what she’s saying is, going to that temple to save the priest is my next plot point. And…once again, I have no choice unless I want to let Aya die.
THE LOLI BRIGADE: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT LORD SIG-ER-CAPELLOL, THAT SWORD MEANS YOU’RE A ☆REAL HERO☆ SO COME ON COME ON LET’S GO SAVE OUR DAD THE PRIEST!
Capellol: …I’m starting to think Sigmund set me up with this sword thing. B| And wait-he’s your DAD? ALSO WTF NO I AM NOT BABYSITTING. B|
THE LOLI BRIGADE: PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE??? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE??? 8C 8C
Capellol: No! It’s too dangerous!
THE LOLI BRIGADE: …WE’LL KEEP BEGGING JUST LIKE THAT UNTIL YOU SAY YES~ >D >D
Capellol: ……….Uh. 8|;
FAIL!Mom: PLEASE TAKE THEM WITH YOU WE NEED YOUR HELP SO WHAT IF IT’S DANGEROUS HELP US HELP US BAWWWWW ;~;
Capellol: …Uh, whoa, wait a second-
THE LOLI BRIGADE: YAAAAY WE’RE GOING WE’RE GOING WE’RE GOING!! 8D 8D
Capellol: …Y’know, I’m REALLY starting to wish I’d stayed in prison.
So you putter around town a bit with a twin clamped on each leg, which is not really an improvement from lugging Aya around. You do the whole TALK TO ALL NPCs thing again and can start work on some sidequests, but can’t finish anything just yet (of course), then head off to the Shrine where The LoliFather Priest apparently never came back from. THIS OBVIOUSLY SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA, but Capellol has no choice because the Loli Brigade is carrying him off with them.
Capellol: …I’d run, but I think they’d pants me, sword or no sword. -_-;;
THE LOLI BRIGADE: *EVIL TITTERS OF LAUGHTER*
So you get dragged off to a “temple” that for the most part just looks like a bunch of caves with some fancy doors slapped on the front and some torches and a few ugly statues inside. But we’re getting our Cave!Dungeon in early, though I doubt it’ll be the last. Inside the caves, Rico the Kid shows off his Pokemon Master skillz by chatting it up with some mice, which is fairly pointless, though it does let you find the SEEKRIT ROOM where there’s some extra stuff for you to take, because like all (J)RPG characters, you’re a klepto who picks up EVERYTHING YOU FIND and takes the stuff out of any chest you happen across. When you finally get into the shrine proper, who should be waiting for you but Ogre Jailer Guy? How he got into the shrine BEFORE you, when the only way to get to either entrance is STRAIGHT THROUGH THE VILLAGE...who knows. And OF COURSE backing him up is ANOTHER dragon--Crystal Dragon Jesus, apparently, since he’s who/what the shrine was built for & btw THANK YOU FOR NOT MENTIONING THAT FACT, ENTIRE VILLAGE OF NOLAAN--who starts spitting fireballs at you. And lying dead on the ground is The LoliFather Priest. Despite the fact that they are, like, five, the Loli Brigade doesn’t seem too affected by this, and "help" you kick Ogre Jailer Guy’s ass...which basically means you beat the Ogre-guy to death while they run around in the background shouting out little battle cries you can only half-hear and wasting all their MP on heaven knows what. But it's not healing you. Ever. And it turns out Crystal Dragon Jesus is actually good! He stops with the fireballs and calls Capellol out on not actually being Sigmund (who he never claimed to be in the first place), then gives you one of his special crystals to heal Aya. And also a flute, so you can annoy people and find hidden things.
Capellol: …Uh, I’ve already got one, actually, and I don’t really want to…
THE LOLI BRIGADE: C’MON TAKE IT TAKE IT we know you’re not A ☆REAL HERO☆ but NO ONE SAYS NO TO CRYSTAL DRAGON JESUS…AND OH, HERE’S A GUILT TRIP-OUR FATHER WOULD’VE WANTED IT THAT WAY.
Capellol: …Your father didn’t even KNOW me. And…I don’t…want this. Mission. Quest. Thing. …But Crystal Dragon Jesus is looking a little ominous, and I want to dodge more fireballs even less than I want to take that flute, so…
So you take the flute and the crystal meth and after finding the seekrit exit with your new flute and pointlessly running down a straight tunnel for five minutes, finally get cutscene-transported back to town. The crystal meth heals Aya, then disappears, and Aya is Action Chick Aya once again. FAIL!Mother really doesn’t seem all too broken up by her husband’s death-she says she’d expected it would happen some day, which apparently makes it all better. Nice. Meanwhile, Little Annoying Thing One and Little Annoying Thing Two have decided that they’re coming along to join the Rebel Alliance Resistance.
Capellol: …WHOA whoa whoa! No! Again! This is too dangerous, and you’re KIDS! Talk some sense into them, FAIL!Mom!
FAIL!Mom: …OKAY KIDS…WHY DO WE FIGHT? ^_^
THE LOLI BRIGADE: TO HELP PEOPLE OUT! 8Db 8Db
FAIL!Mom: VERY GOOD! ^_^ IF YOU’D SAID VENGEANCE I WOULD’VE SAID NO, BUT SINCE YOU JUST WANT TO HELP, SURE, GO AHEAD! IT’S NOT LIKE I’D WANT TO KEEP MY KIDS CLOSE OR ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY IF I’D JUST LOST MY HUSBAND.
Capellol: …WHA-wait just a minute-!
FAIL!Mom: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TAKE THEM, MISS AYA D8
THE LOLI BRIGADE: YEAH! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!
Capellol: -What is WRONG with you people, I said this is DANGEROUS, so I really don’t think-
FAIL!Mom: HERE’S YOUR ONE CHANCE, FANCY, DON’T LET ME DOWN! D’8
Oh yes, LUCKY YOU, you end up getting to be a PERMANENT babysitter, which is honestly some of the most fail!parenting I have EVER seen. I could sort of understand it if they were ORPHANS, but…they’re leaving their recently-widowed mother all alone to…GO ANNOY THE WORLD, I GUESS? Though honestly, I can’t really blame FAIL!Mom for wanting to get rid of those kids. They ARE pretty freaking annoying. Maybe she just wants some peace and quiet for once.
Anyway, after you leave Nolan Ryan’s house-
Carrier Pigeon: MAIL MOOGLE AT YOUR SERVICE, KUPO! HERE YOU GO, KUPO!
--mail delivery! It’s a note from the Sausage Fest, a.k.a. Action Chick Aya’s “friends.” They ask you to pick up more beer and chips on the way over, because they apparently haven’t started their mission yet and they want you to meet up with them. So now there’s REALLY no reason that they couldn’t’ve taken Action Chick Aya to the Plot-Railroading-itis specialist. Regardless of this, you head off to the castle they’re having their tailgate party at, where you will likely have to pull someone’s ass out of the fire, because that’s just how things work. But before you get too far-
Action Chick Aya: …Soooo you weren’t too bad back there…I guess. BUT YOU STILL AREN’T HALF AS COOL AND AWESOME AND WONDERFUL AS LORD SIGMUND OKAY AND YOU’RE STILL A WUSS AND A COWARD SO THERE.
Capellol: ……Hmm, Sigmund, Sigmu-OH, you mean that guy who hardly even looked at you despite the fact that you were prettymuch DYING and then dumped you off on a complete stranger as fast as he could? Yeah that was REAL cool and awesome. And yeah, I’m TOTALLY a coward--did you forget that I carried you here, dodged dragons hacking up fireballs twice, and fought my way through a monster and Ogre-infested shrine for the sole purpose of saving your life? 'B|
Action Chick Aya: LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING OH HEY LOOK A CASTLE
Why yes, there is indeed a castle………that has doors that open inward. WHY does everyone get something so LOGICAL AND OBVIOUS wrong? A buttload of dudes are fighting on the front lawn, so the football game must be over. Also, despite the fact that Sigmund and his peeps are already inside, for some reason we still have to smash the doors down to get in. It’s even a minigame sorta thing-smash enough enemies with your catapult, get an Achievement! Hurrah! \o/
Once inside, you find Scarred Big Guy/Possible Berserker Balbagan, who from the look and sound of him is no longer only a POSSIBLE Berserker. He rushes off into the castle, leaving you to be mauled by the gargoyles lining parts of the halls, rescue some Resistance soldiers, and get another Achievement if you do it all fast enough…though of course, they ALL think you’re Sigmund, so really you get ZERO CREDIT for it. Nice.
Capellol: …Pfff, yeah, story of my life. …Also, just FYI, if there’s another dragon anywhere in here, I am SO done with this. ALL of it.
You run around inside the castle, sometimes in the dark if you forgot to buy enough sunstones at Nolan Ryan’s house, until you finally stumble on two more members of Sigmund’s Man-Harem. Party. Whatever.
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: O HAY AYA, you look better! And…you have children with you…OH WELL, I’ll stay here and watch the kids, you guys go help Sigmund!
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: ……CAPELLOL YOU STAY HERE TOO.
Brainy Glasses Guy Eugene: Now now Edward, deep breaths, there’s a good boy…and Capellol’s going because Sigmund needs all the help he can get, which makes TOTAL sense to say since five seconds ago I just said that I’M staying here to babysit.
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: ……ARGH FINE WHATEVER STAY CLOSE AND DON’T SLOW ME DOWN.
Action Chick Aya: HEY SINCE WHEN ARE YOU THE BOSS? >|
Capellol: …Sooooo not getting involved here…
You run around a bit more, then catch up with HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund in time for him to…open a door, behind which is waiting a green-haired elf-looking dude apparently called “Starseer Savio” and another cut scene, which basically boils down to:
Action Chick Aya: BLAH BLAH RANDOM BACKGROUND INFO BLAH GEEZ YOU SRSLY KNOW NOTHING
Starseer Savio: CAPELLOL, ALLOW ME TO FORSEE *TERRIBLE THINGS* IN YOUR FUTURE THAT MUST NOT BEEEE! BUT I WILL SAY NOTHING ABOUT IT OTHER THAN THAT!
Capellol: Uh, what? 8|;;;
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: K YEAH WHATEVER, Capellol, escort him back to Eugene. ALONE. For no good reason other than to give you some time to chat.
Starseer Savio takes FULL advantage of this, deploying yet anther exposition block. Apparently EVERYONE IN THE WORLD is marked with something called a Lunaglyph when they’re born, and the marking and how powerful it is depends on what phase the moon is in when the kid’s born. Which, obviously, means those unlucky shmucks who are born during the New Moon are SOL. They’re called THE UNBLESSED, which is a pretty depressing name, but also pretty accurate judging by the sepia-toned...maybe-flashback of a group of little kids all picking on another one, who I suppose we’re to assume is one of THE UNBLESSED and is mostly likely Capellol himself. Though it could be Sigmund as well, I guess. Savio remarks that it’s odd that Capellol doesn’t use lunaglyphs, and Capellol proceeds to look and sound decidedly uncomfortable about this topic of conversation.
Starseer Savio: …ANYWAY, ONCE AGAIN YOU AND SIGMUND HAVE SOMETHING VERY UNUSUAL IN COMMON. HE DOESN’T USE LUNAGLYPHS EITHER…
Capellol: …Huh. That’s…great. Dooon’t really wanna talk about this. ANYWAY, gotta go, Boss Battle comin’ up. You just…stay here and be esoteric, ‘kay?
More running through the castle and fighting, and Capellol uses his flute to dispel an illusion and get through a fake wall…which Sigmund has already gotten through somehow, even though I doubt he has a flute…and then BOSS FIGHT.
Which is pretty easy, really, even if the game is RETARDED in that once you’re locked onto a target, for some reason it won’t let you turn the camera anymore. But whatever, you (which in this case really means ‘mostly Sigmund, since he’s technically not in your party and thus is blessed with limitless HP’) beat down some random mook who we’ve never heard of before, then HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund steps up to bat and smashes…what looks like a crystal ball, or one of those hideous lawn ornaments. Edward and Aya gasp and ooh and aah over this, because OMG IT’S IMPOSSIBLE THEY CAN’T HELP HIM NO ONE CAN HELP HIM NO ONE CAN DO THIS SORT OF THING BUT SIGGY DOES IT ANYWAY BECAUSE HE’S A ☆REAL HERO☆!
…Who breaks the thing, and then promptly collapses to his knees and starts coughing up blood.
Capellol: …WHOA. PROBABLY NOT A GOOD SIGN, DUDE. 8|
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: *STANDS, brushing aside the grabby-hands from both Edward and Aya, and WALKS IT OFF LIKE A MAN* …ANYWAY. Much as I enjoy looking at myself appreciate what you’ve done…CAPELLOL, THIS IS WAR, AND I CANNOT RISK HAVING ANYTHING HAPPEN TO A FACE LIKE THAT SO-
Action Chick Aya: -HE SHOULD JOIN US!
Capellol: WHAT
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: WHAT
Capellol: HAVE YOU NOT BEEN LISTENING, I don’t want to fight! I only say that at least twice every cut scene, which means I’ve said it like twenty-eight times by now! Don’t I get ANY say in this decision?!
Action Chick Aya: NO! COME ON IT’S A GREAT IDEA
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: ARE YOU KIDDING, IT’S A SUCKY IDEA
Capellol: (Never thought I’d say this but-) Yeah, what he said! D<
Captain Crabbypants/Wannabe Lancer Edward: SHUT UP YOU
Capellol: O-OKAY :'|
Action Chick Aya: PLEEEEEEEEEASE CAN WE KEEP HIM 8'C
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: …FINE BUT HE’S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY-YOU HAVE TO FEED HIM, WALK HIM, MAKE SURE HE HAS CLEAN WATER…AND IF HE JOINS US, HE WON’T RECEIVE ANY MORE SPECIAL TREATMENT.
Capellol: ...Wh...WHAT?! Y-you guys ABANDONED ME, and YOU PERSONALLY gave me a sword that you KNEW would make EVERYONE I MET think I was YOU, and then ALL OF YOU KEPT FORCING ME TO FIGHT EVEN WHEN I SAID NO how is that SPECIAL TREATMENT
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: ……*FFFFF ADDS HIM TO THE GUILD ANYWAY* :|
Action Chick Aya: WELCOME TO THE PARTY! 8D HERE, HAVE A CONGRATULATORY KICK IN THE SHIN
Capellol: *WIBBLES, OBVIOUSLY SO VERY CLOSE TO TEARS* ........I…I think I give up. ;~;
HEROIC Ice Prince Sigmund: AIIGHT GUYS, PACK IT UP, WE’RE GOIN’ HOME FOR A VICTORY PAR-TAY.
…And this is already VERY tl;dr, so we’ll stop there for now. |D