i don't think i'm ralph waldo emerson.

[aloosedress]

i realized today that i'll live. and when it comes down to it, that's all that really matters. i will live. i will wake up the next morning. i will breathe new air. i will move forward and forward and i'll never stop. my life isn't going to stop for anyone. what's done has been done. i want everyone to be happy and i'm sick of pretending that i know what's best for everyone and trying to sculpt the future that i'll never be able to control. i'm not supposed to control it. everything is a learning experience. maybe the things that hurt the most are the things you're really supposed to learn from. ten years from now i'll probably live in a different city and i'll know all different people and i'll love a boy that i haven't even met yet and there's something terribly exciting about that possibility. your life shouldn't stop or slow down for anyone in particular. i'd like to apologize to anyone whose life i may have tried to slow down or change. i've spent so long trying to control everything and everyone around me because i'm fucking terrified of losing everyone. but i see now that i just hurt a lot of my relationships by doing this exact thing. i want you all to be happy with whomever you choose. and i'll admit right now that i will more than likely have moments of relapse where i slip back into my controlling ways but at least if you're reading this right now you'll know that i acknowledge my flaw and i'm working on fixing it as much as i can. this isn't about just one person. or even anyone in particular. i've done this with many of my friends. but i'm learning and that's what matters. the realization that nothing is going to stop you from leaving behind the things that hurt and trucking forward towards ten years down the road is so amazingly and wonderfully enlightening. right now i wish i was curled up on couch downstairs in pajamas with tricia sewing eachother pillows and watching rent and singing along to the theme song. or i wish i was driving around in a car with rachel singing every song we know on the radio. or sitting in emily's kitchen laughing hysterically at the oldest inside jokes. or dancing in my car with matthew and knowing that i doubt that i could ever enjoy another boy's company as much as i do his. or talking about beer with rocco and joncon and smiling like little kids. or maybe just sitting in that legendary bedroom that reeks of vodka and unshowered sixteen year olds with every kid that ever made my adolescence the best i could have dreamed of. i have had the absolute best people i could have ever asked for in my life at one point or another and it's devastating when you feel those relationships crumbling around you. i miss you all but i know that i have to be able to let everyone travel down their own path and hope that our paths will cross again some day because for at least one moment in time, we loved eachother dearly and that alone is enough reason to see eachother again. maybe i'm just naive but i'd like to think that no one could ever really just let go of someone they once loved. i know i could never hate any of you for any reason regardless of what's happening now.

"i hope that i remember to tell my children that they are as happy as i look in my old photographs and i hope that they believe me."