(no subject)
Last night I went to the science museum with Steph for the all nighter, although we only lasted til about 1am. I had fun, it was relieving to be doing something so simple, something 5 year olds and 20 year olds can enjoy just the same. For a while, Steph and I just sat in the omnitheater watching people play video games on a huge projection screen, and we talked, about life, about family, about human nature. This last week, I've just been so bogged down with thoughts - ever since my birthday on Friday - that it felt so good to just get them out, even if Steph wasn't really listening. I wasn't looking for someone to tell me what to do, I guess, just... I dont know. I wanted them out of my head and into words so I could hear them for myself.
I've been looking at my life, at everything that I've done, everything I haven't, and what really frustrates me is how little I have accomplished. Who am I? After 20 years in this body, I thought I would have done so much more. I thought, by now, I would have so much more to give, share, contribute to this world. And yet, here I am, wasting each day. The past 6, 7 years of my life just blend together. What have I done, what am I doing, where is this life headed? People say "You're too young to worry about that", people say "You've got the rest of your life to do great things." But those are the same people who are halfway through their lives and still haven't done much. Scary to admit it, buy my life is 1/4 over if I'm lucky. It could be over tomorrow. I've lived 20 years and I will never get them back, nor will I get the chance to live them again. I believe we only come to this world once, after that I dont know what happens, but I think we get one chance to live our lives, and most people miss it. And so, if it bothers me so much, why dont I just start doing something then?
Because I dont know what it is I want to do. I waste my life, my days, weeks, months, because I dont know what else to do with them. I dont know what will make me happy. That maybe even frustrates me more than not doing anything. How can I not know what I it is I want to do?
Basta. I could write 10 pages about this but it would still just say the same thing. I have a suspecting feeling that I'm not the first one in this world to feel this way. I think so many people every day feel the same way - wasted, useless, unsure. These thoughts aren't profound in anyway, but they are mine. Hopefully, a year from now, I can say that things are different. Hopefully, in a year, I will have more to write about than drunk parties and Italian class and my random thoughts.
I've been looking at my life, at everything that I've done, everything I haven't, and what really frustrates me is how little I have accomplished. Who am I? After 20 years in this body, I thought I would have done so much more. I thought, by now, I would have so much more to give, share, contribute to this world. And yet, here I am, wasting each day. The past 6, 7 years of my life just blend together. What have I done, what am I doing, where is this life headed? People say "You're too young to worry about that", people say "You've got the rest of your life to do great things." But those are the same people who are halfway through their lives and still haven't done much. Scary to admit it, buy my life is 1/4 over if I'm lucky. It could be over tomorrow. I've lived 20 years and I will never get them back, nor will I get the chance to live them again. I believe we only come to this world once, after that I dont know what happens, but I think we get one chance to live our lives, and most people miss it. And so, if it bothers me so much, why dont I just start doing something then?
Because I dont know what it is I want to do. I waste my life, my days, weeks, months, because I dont know what else to do with them. I dont know what will make me happy. That maybe even frustrates me more than not doing anything. How can I not know what I it is I want to do?
Basta. I could write 10 pages about this but it would still just say the same thing. I have a suspecting feeling that I'm not the first one in this world to feel this way. I think so many people every day feel the same way - wasted, useless, unsure. These thoughts aren't profound in anyway, but they are mine. Hopefully, a year from now, I can say that things are different. Hopefully, in a year, I will have more to write about than drunk parties and Italian class and my random thoughts.