(no subject)
So I was in my room when I wrote this:
So I am in little episodes of crying tonight. I am not really sure of what I am thinking about, but Im really sad.
Tomorrow is something. Tomorrow is my last day of Junior year, I'll be seventine I mean seventeen in two weeks. Next year I'll be eight teen years old. Its way too scary. I mean come on, me, an adult. I dont want to grow up.
I only had one final today and it was for my last period class. I basically went to school for 5 and 1/2 hours to do nothing and than an hour and a half of testing. Its hard going to school knowing that Tony wont ever be there with me again. Why does that hit me so hard?
I went to church tonight with Cayla and Julie and I made some little lie about how I had to be home at 9:30pm because I wanted to call Tony.
I had the best night ever with Tony last night. We just went to a bunch of random places and we were just together. It was the simplest thing but it made me feel so good. I was so happy I almost cried and thats the first time anythings ever made me that happy. It was romantic in a way.
So I was looking forward to talking to him today because yesterday was so special to me. It was good for me. Im not going to get to have nights like that anymore because hes leaving. And he wont be back because hes going to college after summer... or atleast when he comes back it wont be like that. And I wont get to talk to him because he'll be busy or exhausted. So I wanted to talk to him and see him as much as I can before he leaves. He doesnt want to talk tonight, He just, isnt in the mood to talk tonight.
And I feel so torn. I feel like him leaving is this picture of me as a young child with those huge glossy eyes staring, staring at the hands that are taking my security, life, aspirations, and joys away from me. Those hands are slowly getting farther from me and as hard as I try to grasp it all and hold it tight. As hard as I try to keep it with me, my attempt isnt enough. And its all leaving. And its not exactly bad because I can move on, start over, get new aspirations, and find security in something more permanent but the thing is, Im a child in this picture, Im not mature, strong, or wise and so this process just scares the shit out of me. I dont want time counting down. I dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to be without him. Time is as rare as the major influences one person has in their life, but right now its as rare as the possibility of finding a rated R movie without sex.
It hurts me that he doesnt feel like talking. Ive been crying for an hour and a half now.
And I dont know if Im being rational or not. I just know that Im falling apart because hes leaving. I dont know what to do with myself.
Im going to meet his dad for the first time. Im scared about that too. I dont know what to expect from him from all that Tonys told me. I dont know how to behave or dress. I dont know what to say. I dont know if this is a big deal or not.
Im sitting here crying, wishing hed have realized by now that I need to talk to him. Wishing he'd call and apologize for not wanting to talk to me, and explain himself. Im playing the conversation out in my head but I know, he wont call. He wont ever know that Im crying right now. Im just alone, feeling sorry for myself in my sticky room. I feel like the painting of the melting clocks by Dali because of the heat, the crying Im doing, and how alone I feel right now.
This is just me being stupid tonight.
So I got online to write this. Tony IM'd me saying he didnt see me online, that hurt that he doesnt notice me, he said that and than said he was leaving, what was the point, hes back online to ask about his final paper, whether I turned that in or not, I just, feel so bad and Im getting the impression that hes only thinking about himself right now course he doesnt know how Im feeling so I cant really say anything about it.
I hate today
So I am in little episodes of crying tonight. I am not really sure of what I am thinking about, but Im really sad.
Tomorrow is something. Tomorrow is my last day of Junior year, I'll be seventine I mean seventeen in two weeks. Next year I'll be eight teen years old. Its way too scary. I mean come on, me, an adult. I dont want to grow up.
I only had one final today and it was for my last period class. I basically went to school for 5 and 1/2 hours to do nothing and than an hour and a half of testing. Its hard going to school knowing that Tony wont ever be there with me again. Why does that hit me so hard?
I went to church tonight with Cayla and Julie and I made some little lie about how I had to be home at 9:30pm because I wanted to call Tony.
I had the best night ever with Tony last night. We just went to a bunch of random places and we were just together. It was the simplest thing but it made me feel so good. I was so happy I almost cried and thats the first time anythings ever made me that happy. It was romantic in a way.
So I was looking forward to talking to him today because yesterday was so special to me. It was good for me. Im not going to get to have nights like that anymore because hes leaving. And he wont be back because hes going to college after summer... or atleast when he comes back it wont be like that. And I wont get to talk to him because he'll be busy or exhausted. So I wanted to talk to him and see him as much as I can before he leaves. He doesnt want to talk tonight, He just, isnt in the mood to talk tonight.
And I feel so torn. I feel like him leaving is this picture of me as a young child with those huge glossy eyes staring, staring at the hands that are taking my security, life, aspirations, and joys away from me. Those hands are slowly getting farther from me and as hard as I try to grasp it all and hold it tight. As hard as I try to keep it with me, my attempt isnt enough. And its all leaving. And its not exactly bad because I can move on, start over, get new aspirations, and find security in something more permanent but the thing is, Im a child in this picture, Im not mature, strong, or wise and so this process just scares the shit out of me. I dont want time counting down. I dont want to say goodbye. I dont want to be without him. Time is as rare as the major influences one person has in their life, but right now its as rare as the possibility of finding a rated R movie without sex.
It hurts me that he doesnt feel like talking. Ive been crying for an hour and a half now.
And I dont know if Im being rational or not. I just know that Im falling apart because hes leaving. I dont know what to do with myself.
Im going to meet his dad for the first time. Im scared about that too. I dont know what to expect from him from all that Tonys told me. I dont know how to behave or dress. I dont know what to say. I dont know if this is a big deal or not.
Im sitting here crying, wishing hed have realized by now that I need to talk to him. Wishing he'd call and apologize for not wanting to talk to me, and explain himself. Im playing the conversation out in my head but I know, he wont call. He wont ever know that Im crying right now. Im just alone, feeling sorry for myself in my sticky room. I feel like the painting of the melting clocks by Dali because of the heat, the crying Im doing, and how alone I feel right now.
This is just me being stupid tonight.
So I got online to write this. Tony IM'd me saying he didnt see me online, that hurt that he doesnt notice me, he said that and than said he was leaving, what was the point, hes back online to ask about his final paper, whether I turned that in or not, I just, feel so bad and Im getting the impression that hes only thinking about himself right now course he doesnt know how Im feeling so I cant really say anything about it.
I hate today