(no subject)
Argh, its 4:20 in the morning. I woke up 30 minutes ago. I feel grossly horrible. Im sure none of you can relate but if you can than I wish you were awake and online right now. Do you know what its like to have your stomach feel bloated like a dead body thats been floating in the river for 5 days, It feels really queasy like Ive been riding a roller coaster all my life or something. My throat has that feeling it gets before you throw up all the time. My stomach and chest and throat burns but, its funny how no ant-acids help with that. The bath normally helps my stomach feel better but it isnt working this morning. I feel fat. Everything looks bigger to me right now so, I look fat when I look in the mirror which isnt flattering. I wonder if eating anything would help me. I could eat some crackers... I just wanna go to the doctor, why wont she take me? All I want to do is go to the doctor and talk to them about this being possible panic attacks, eating disorder of some kind maybe, and I wanna know if its worse for a special reason or if its just the normal thing that Ive had for a year now.
I wonder if I got myself sick like this sometimes. I used to sit around on my bed late at night praying to God that Id never get sick with something that no one would be able to help me with because I didnt want all the tests ran on me and I didnt want to be the only one with that problem and I dont know. I feared this since seventh grade... its weird how certain things in my life, Ive predicted or maybe I think I predicted it but really I subconsciencely did it to myself. I dont know, Im really crazy.
Tonys at Bens and if they arent in bed already than I assume they're headed there soon... Considering this is normally the time Tony goes to sleep when ever Im on the phone with him REALLY late or when ever hes telling me about how he was up all night playing Final Fantasy 11 and considering they've been playing all day... Im going to assume they're headed to bed. So that means I cant call Tony.
My dads not here. Im literally sick and alone this time. Which is another fear of mine, I hate being sick and not having anyone to be here for me. Im scared to death that something will happen to me with me being sick and all and there will be no one here to check on me. No one to call 911 if its needed. Course that fear is me over re-acting but still, its a big fear of mine, I dont want to be alone.
Tony had me think about the past when I didnt feel good Friday night. And so I was thinking about AIMS and ya know, everyone talks about how great it was but I really hated it. I had no friends really. I was in the popular group by default because I was the most popular girls friend from Elementary school. Who woulda thought shed be the most popular? She used to be such a tomboy. But yeah, so I wasnt even in any of the popular groups classes and since thats about all they talked about during lunch, I couldnt relate to them. And they didnt exactly treat me like I was worth getting to know or anything so... I dont know, but than I left that group and went to Beth's group which is a big deal because no one left their group before me, everyone else was kicked out. So I started hanging out with Beths group because I also grew up with Ashley Fraley and well, they hated the popular kids. I got closer to Beth which actually caused some conflict with Ashely and me but yeah, I ended up hanging out with Beth a lot. And I thought it was good than because she really brought me out and got me to be more ... open and loud and idk, Shes the one who got me started with make up. Course she got me started with a lot of stuff but, make up is like a big deal with girls. I really miss Ryan. You all remember him, the tall black gay guy that was super thin. Wish I knew where he went. Middle school wouldve sucked so much more if I hadnt of been friends with him... but like I said, no one was really my friend. I consider a friend to be someone that you hang out and see outside of school. I only hung out with Beth and Kayleigh outside of school. Than you look at ACPA. Im only hanging out with Tony and Julie outside of school, but it doesnt really matter because I also hang out with Sam and Rachel and Im going to start hanging out with Jenny.
Im going to go lie down and try eating some crackers... dont be surprised if I come back to reminiss.
I wonder if I got myself sick like this sometimes. I used to sit around on my bed late at night praying to God that Id never get sick with something that no one would be able to help me with because I didnt want all the tests ran on me and I didnt want to be the only one with that problem and I dont know. I feared this since seventh grade... its weird how certain things in my life, Ive predicted or maybe I think I predicted it but really I subconsciencely did it to myself. I dont know, Im really crazy.
Tonys at Bens and if they arent in bed already than I assume they're headed there soon... Considering this is normally the time Tony goes to sleep when ever Im on the phone with him REALLY late or when ever hes telling me about how he was up all night playing Final Fantasy 11 and considering they've been playing all day... Im going to assume they're headed to bed. So that means I cant call Tony.
My dads not here. Im literally sick and alone this time. Which is another fear of mine, I hate being sick and not having anyone to be here for me. Im scared to death that something will happen to me with me being sick and all and there will be no one here to check on me. No one to call 911 if its needed. Course that fear is me over re-acting but still, its a big fear of mine, I dont want to be alone.
Tony had me think about the past when I didnt feel good Friday night. And so I was thinking about AIMS and ya know, everyone talks about how great it was but I really hated it. I had no friends really. I was in the popular group by default because I was the most popular girls friend from Elementary school. Who woulda thought shed be the most popular? She used to be such a tomboy. But yeah, so I wasnt even in any of the popular groups classes and since thats about all they talked about during lunch, I couldnt relate to them. And they didnt exactly treat me like I was worth getting to know or anything so... I dont know, but than I left that group and went to Beth's group which is a big deal because no one left their group before me, everyone else was kicked out. So I started hanging out with Beths group because I also grew up with Ashley Fraley and well, they hated the popular kids. I got closer to Beth which actually caused some conflict with Ashely and me but yeah, I ended up hanging out with Beth a lot. And I thought it was good than because she really brought me out and got me to be more ... open and loud and idk, Shes the one who got me started with make up. Course she got me started with a lot of stuff but, make up is like a big deal with girls. I really miss Ryan. You all remember him, the tall black gay guy that was super thin. Wish I knew where he went. Middle school wouldve sucked so much more if I hadnt of been friends with him... but like I said, no one was really my friend. I consider a friend to be someone that you hang out and see outside of school. I only hung out with Beth and Kayleigh outside of school. Than you look at ACPA. Im only hanging out with Tony and Julie outside of school, but it doesnt really matter because I also hang out with Sam and Rachel and Im going to start hanging out with Jenny.
Im going to go lie down and try eating some crackers... dont be surprised if I come back to reminiss.