(no subject)
Mother fucker kill me. Oh wait I take that back, I cant say that. Growl.
So Today was interesting. I slept on the couch last night because I didnt feel good at all. Tony told me to take some NyQuil but turns out that I dont have any at my house... so I didnt take any and I didnt fall asleep till three am. I was awaken by my mothers loud mouth at seven am... she was waking up my sisters and packing to leave town. And she was yelling at me and handing me money and something else but I cant really remember. So after she left I stayed on the couch for a really long time and than when I thought my dad had gone back to sleep I went to take a bath... I think. Im pretty sure I took a bath this morning, I cant remember. But I stayed on the couch all day after that and watched MTV, my remote doesnt work and I didnt feel good enough to get up and change the channel. So I watched like an all day marathon of MTV Cribs. Till 12 where I swept the house and than got dressed to go out to lunch with Jenny. She came to get me at one pm. We went to Scotties and had lunch and than we went to Cold Stone to get some ice cream, Audra from Graham was working and it was nice to see her again. Than Jenny brought me back home, while going down my street I noticed that my dad was driving the car infront of us and he was driving VERY slow. Turns out thats because somehow my dogs, ALL of my dogs got outside. So, I was walking in the rain for a long time trying to find the two that my dad couldnt find, cause you know, he thought itd be good if we split and went seperate ways, however his way was driving the car as to where my way involved walking in the rain through the back alleys and what not. So, some strange guy tried to pick me up while I was walking in the rain because well, Im going to go ahead and say he was trying to be nice rather than say he wanted my wet ass that you could clearly see through my pants that were clinging to my skin. So, I denied the ride considering I didnt know the guy and I was only four blocks from my house. Came home and called Tony while changing clothes... Hes at Bens house which is good because I want him to be at Bens house because Ben spent a long time slowly cleaning his room and everything to prepare for Tony comming over. That and I want Tony and Ben to work everything out and be friends because Tonys only got like, two more days left which are only to take his finals and than he's gone, he wont see Ben ever again so they might aswell be friends during the time that Tony has left. What sucks about Tony being at Bens is that I feel sick and with him over there I cant call him to talk to him until I feel better, however I do need to grow out of that. Im not going to be able to call or depend on Tony every time I dont feel good or something bad happens... I cant depend or call on anyone everytime for that matter, there are going to be times, like now where there is absolutly no one to be here for me and I need to get used to that and learn how to deal with it and survive, I just dont want to. So yeah. After talking to Tony I layed down and wrote a seven page letter to someone about something thats been bothering me for a really long time but ... odds are that I'll never give that long letter to that person that needs to read it. After the letter was finished my dad told me to go out and look for the dog again because we still cant find it. So I walked for a good hour or two and still cant find it. My dad called my mom and it turns out that he owes me an apology because he claimed that I let the dogs out by leaving the front door wide open though what really happened is that Jessika and Melanie (my younger sisters) left the door unlocked when they left to go out of town and so therefore, my dogs were able to run away. See my front door wont shut, the only way to keep it shut is to lock it, otherwise its easily flung open, no door knob needed. Grawr. So I than fed the dogs that are back home and gave Stormy her medicine... However if we dont find Ozzie, the last dog to find than he wont be able to get his medicine in the morning, not that I have any dog food left to give him though. I spent fifteen dollars today, on myself and I feel bad for it... Thats way too much to spend on myself in one day. But I had a great time with Jenny. We talked a lot and turns out that next week theres going to be a surprise birthday party for Liz who will be sixteen. I dont know how Im getting there because I dont have a ride, Ill have to ask Julie or something... Also this Sunday, tomorrow, Im trying to get a hold of Sam to see if she'd like to go out before church with Jenny and me and hang out since this is Sams last time comming to our homechurch because shes going up to the College church now... so Im waiting on her call. I hung out with Tony last night and felt really bad towards the end of the night, he sat there and talked to me and helped get my mind off all the stuff that makes me feel bad, helped me get my mind off of feeling sick and alone and that was really nice though he cursed at me once because he told me to think about all the good things that happened yesterday, he was trying to help me feel better, but the only good thing about yesterday was being with him so I gave him this look and he said I was looking at him like he was stupid so he got loud and cursed, it was... kinda scary actually... but Im really glad that he sat there with me even though it was past my curfew by a lot, I dont think Ive ever been that late getting home, not that I got in trouble for it or anything. I love him. I found a bunch of old letters that I wrote Tony but never gave him today while I was looking around for some things to reference in the letter I wrote to that one person, and I was reading all the things I wrote to him and it just reminded me of how much I love him and how nice he is to me most the time. I wish I could get over some of the stuff I talked to him about because its literally on my mind 24/7 now and its making me panic and nervous and kinda really irritable and I dont know, but thinking about it all really makes me feel bad... if thinking about things that make me really stressed out makes me feel really sick, would that be considered a panic attack? Maybe thats my problem and I just need meds for that... Tony says I shouldnt be taking any meds for anything, I on the other hand am going through so many meds all the time trying to find the magical cure to what ever my deal is and I cant find it but I have so many things to take all the time, its really getting pretty ridiculous. Writing seems to really be helping me feel better today. It normally doesnt. I normally start writing about things and than it just brings up other issues that are linked to it and than I get stressed and than I feel bad and than I cave in and call Tony, he's my cure. I need to really stop using him to feel better like this. I can tell you right now Im not going to get to sleep tonight though because I feel worse when ever I close my eyes... Im too weird. I normally tell Tony I feel alone when I talk to him and I feel like this and he always tells me im not alone because my sisters and my parents are home and well, Im literally home alone now because everyones out of town and my dads out in his bus, he hates me... and now I need to go wash the damn dog because she ran away again and she "looks like she was hit by a bus"