Newsflash to the world: soccer/futbol fucking sucks
I'm trying. I'm watching my fifth game of this edition of the Copa and I still absolutely still fail to see the appeal. Before all you footie-lovers start putting on your cleats to spike me, let me ennumerate what I see as the positives.
-The players are very athletic: they have to run for two 45 minute halves pretty much without break, with constant speed changes from jog to sprint and back again.
-The players are generally hot: this may be a result of their good fitness, but it definitely makes the sport more watchable.
-There is parity: the United States is not dominant and because of the low-scoring nature of the game, any team can beat any other team at any time (although the elite tend to do the best and their composition has generally remained stagnant).
-League Play is innovative: Teams play mainly in their own league, but there are tournaments and individual games that bring together leagues. Also, at least in England, a club's performance determines in which league it plays (good teams are promoted to premier league, bad teams are demoted).
-Penalties protect players: In pursuit of the ball, it's easy for a player to seriously injure another. I like the way that the penalties are harsh enough to prevent intentionally injurious behavior.
There are other good things probably, but I feel like I touched the main points. I feel like I'm a pretty serious, but also open-minded sports fan. Still, there's no other way to put it other than the most popular sport in the world is a giant hoax. There is little that's meaningfully quantifiable about the sport: statistics. Generally, positive statistics correlate to a positive on-field performance and vice-versa. For example, in baseball teams that have high on-base percentages and a high number of extra-base hits tend to score more runs and thus win more often. The relationship between statistics and performance in soccer is MUCH more loosely correlated. The United States (through 2 games of this tournament) technically has 1 shot on goal. But heading into Thursday's final game of group play, THEY STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO ADVANCE! They haven't even scored a goal! The one ball put into an opposing team's net was done by an Italian player into his own goal! Ugh! That's another thing! I don't know too many other sports where it's common for a player to score against his or her own team. Maybe occasionally a tip-in during a basketball game, but those points are a lot less meaningful and easier to overcome. Maybe an American football player fumbles out the back of the end zone and scores a safety (2 points) against his own team. Again, a much higher scoring sport and thus points have a lower absolute value. That brings another point: scoring is exciting! Soccer's average final score is much lower than any other traditional team sports (including reducing 7 points in football and 2 points in basketball to an equivalent value of 1 total point). I'm primarily a baseball fan so I'm used to people erroneously calling my favorite sport boring, but soccer actually is miserably boring! I love 1-0 nailbiting baseball games as much as 13-2 blowouts, but there is so much more behind those scores than there is in soccer. I can tell when a soccer team is dominating another, but it still bores the shit out of me. Like I'm watching Argentina y los Paises Bajos (that's the Netherlands for all you don't speak Spanish; I don't get ESPN or ESPN2 in my apartment, but I do get Univision!), and Argentina is totally kicking the shit out of the Netherlands: they've had way more shots on goal and the action has primarily been taking place by the Netherlands goal. But check out the score in the 77th minute: 0 to fucking 0. Who wants to watch that shit?!
I could go on. One of my favorite things to do is think/read/write about sports. But I have homework and I need to end this distraction.
Peace mofos.
-The players are very athletic: they have to run for two 45 minute halves pretty much without break, with constant speed changes from jog to sprint and back again.
-The players are generally hot: this may be a result of their good fitness, but it definitely makes the sport more watchable.
-There is parity: the United States is not dominant and because of the low-scoring nature of the game, any team can beat any other team at any time (although the elite tend to do the best and their composition has generally remained stagnant).
-League Play is innovative: Teams play mainly in their own league, but there are tournaments and individual games that bring together leagues. Also, at least in England, a club's performance determines in which league it plays (good teams are promoted to premier league, bad teams are demoted).
-Penalties protect players: In pursuit of the ball, it's easy for a player to seriously injure another. I like the way that the penalties are harsh enough to prevent intentionally injurious behavior.
There are other good things probably, but I feel like I touched the main points. I feel like I'm a pretty serious, but also open-minded sports fan. Still, there's no other way to put it other than the most popular sport in the world is a giant hoax. There is little that's meaningfully quantifiable about the sport: statistics. Generally, positive statistics correlate to a positive on-field performance and vice-versa. For example, in baseball teams that have high on-base percentages and a high number of extra-base hits tend to score more runs and thus win more often. The relationship between statistics and performance in soccer is MUCH more loosely correlated. The United States (through 2 games of this tournament) technically has 1 shot on goal. But heading into Thursday's final game of group play, THEY STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO ADVANCE! They haven't even scored a goal! The one ball put into an opposing team's net was done by an Italian player into his own goal! Ugh! That's another thing! I don't know too many other sports where it's common for a player to score against his or her own team. Maybe occasionally a tip-in during a basketball game, but those points are a lot less meaningful and easier to overcome. Maybe an American football player fumbles out the back of the end zone and scores a safety (2 points) against his own team. Again, a much higher scoring sport and thus points have a lower absolute value. That brings another point: scoring is exciting! Soccer's average final score is much lower than any other traditional team sports (including reducing 7 points in football and 2 points in basketball to an equivalent value of 1 total point). I'm primarily a baseball fan so I'm used to people erroneously calling my favorite sport boring, but soccer actually is miserably boring! I love 1-0 nailbiting baseball games as much as 13-2 blowouts, but there is so much more behind those scores than there is in soccer. I can tell when a soccer team is dominating another, but it still bores the shit out of me. Like I'm watching Argentina y los Paises Bajos (that's the Netherlands for all you don't speak Spanish; I don't get ESPN or ESPN2 in my apartment, but I do get Univision!), and Argentina is totally kicking the shit out of the Netherlands: they've had way more shots on goal and the action has primarily been taking place by the Netherlands goal. But check out the score in the 77th minute: 0 to fucking 0. Who wants to watch that shit?!
I could go on. One of my favorite things to do is think/read/write about sports. But I have homework and I need to end this distraction.
Peace mofos.