its christmas day, and...
Suddenly, I'm at a point in my life again where I'm questioning everything around me.
In front of me, I have a man who means more to me than anything in the world. I would give up anything and everything to salvage what's left of our relationship together. I would change myself so thoroughly, simply just to please him. Because I love him more than I even love myself. He has saved me in so many ways. I went from cynical and cold to happy and smiling in less than a month. I finally thought true love was really possible.
All of a sudden, though, everything's changed. Very, very suddenly. And right before Christmas. I've tried my best to ignore it, to pretend that everything's all right, but there's still that tug inside of me, letting me know its not. He hides things from me. I don't understand it. I have never even had the urge to hide anything from him. I tell him everything about myself, because he is my better half. I have given so much of myself to him, that I wouldn't even know where to begin if I had to take myself back. I wouldn't be able to anymore.
There's this girl. He used to date. At first, she didn't even want to talk to him. She said she never wanted to hear his voice again. He was all broken up about it because that is the mother of his child, who died two years ago. She always called him, though, supposedly just to see if she had any mail and simply to check up on things. It didn't seem like a big deal, until ... it was. I don't know what happened. Then he started telling her all this stuff about how much he loved her and how he wanted to prove to her that he could be a good friend and he was always going to be there for her if she needed him. And then, she needed him a lot. So much so that she needed him to be there with her on Christmas... And, then, I was out of the loop. There was no thinking, "Oh, maybe my girlfriend needs me to be with her on Christmas..." Nothing.
All I've ever wanted was to be put first. In any relationship. Every relationship. I put my men first. I put them before me. I put them before my friends. And I want so badly just to feel like, for once, I was put first too. I was cared about as much as I have always cared. But now I'm starting to believe that's really not going to happen. I feel like something is wrong with me.
I was talking with my best friend about how I think Michael and I might end soon... And he just kept telling me that there's nothing wrong with me. But there is. I really think there is. I can't stop making problems for myself, and when I finally find something that's good for me and really makes me happy, somehow it turns into a disaster.
I have had so many urges to cut in the past few days, and now, I'm sitting here on Christmas day at 5:30 in the morning, feeling it more than ever. I want to not. It's been so long since I've done it last. But I can't get my boyfriend to answer the phone, and I just have this awful feeling that she's there. Not that he's cheating on me. Not anything like that. He wouldn't do that. I just have a feeling she's there. With him. Instead of me. Like it should be.
He doesn't see any of it. He simply thinks that all of these things don't add up and he doesn't seem to understand why I've been so upset lately. He acts as if nothing is wrong, and by telling me that he loves me, everything's going to be okay. But I really don't think that its going to work forever.
I'm so scared I'm pregnant. I don't know why. I just have this bad feeling. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'd probably jump off a building before I could ever tell my mom. It would be horrible. And it would take my savings account right back down to zero, because I know my parents wouldn't pay the 500 dollars, and Michael doesn't have the money to help out with something like that. I'm hoping to freakin' God Almighty that I get my period tomorrow. Who knows what I'll do if I don't. I'll have to go down to the CVS and get a test, and hope for the best. Jesus, that would be the worst.
Something is overtaking me in a horrible misery. Maybe its just the time of the year. Maybe its something in the air. But I really wish it would stop, because I'm about to go crazy. This urge to cut is so strong, I needed to do something to stop myself... So typing was the only answer.
I guess I'm going to try calling him again, and then I'm gonna try to go back to sleep. My dad's gonna be here in like two hours for breakfast, and I can't even compose myself.
Goodnight. Merry Christmas. Lizi.
In front of me, I have a man who means more to me than anything in the world. I would give up anything and everything to salvage what's left of our relationship together. I would change myself so thoroughly, simply just to please him. Because I love him more than I even love myself. He has saved me in so many ways. I went from cynical and cold to happy and smiling in less than a month. I finally thought true love was really possible.
All of a sudden, though, everything's changed. Very, very suddenly. And right before Christmas. I've tried my best to ignore it, to pretend that everything's all right, but there's still that tug inside of me, letting me know its not. He hides things from me. I don't understand it. I have never even had the urge to hide anything from him. I tell him everything about myself, because he is my better half. I have given so much of myself to him, that I wouldn't even know where to begin if I had to take myself back. I wouldn't be able to anymore.
There's this girl. He used to date. At first, she didn't even want to talk to him. She said she never wanted to hear his voice again. He was all broken up about it because that is the mother of his child, who died two years ago. She always called him, though, supposedly just to see if she had any mail and simply to check up on things. It didn't seem like a big deal, until ... it was. I don't know what happened. Then he started telling her all this stuff about how much he loved her and how he wanted to prove to her that he could be a good friend and he was always going to be there for her if she needed him. And then, she needed him a lot. So much so that she needed him to be there with her on Christmas... And, then, I was out of the loop. There was no thinking, "Oh, maybe my girlfriend needs me to be with her on Christmas..." Nothing.
All I've ever wanted was to be put first. In any relationship. Every relationship. I put my men first. I put them before me. I put them before my friends. And I want so badly just to feel like, for once, I was put first too. I was cared about as much as I have always cared. But now I'm starting to believe that's really not going to happen. I feel like something is wrong with me.
I was talking with my best friend about how I think Michael and I might end soon... And he just kept telling me that there's nothing wrong with me. But there is. I really think there is. I can't stop making problems for myself, and when I finally find something that's good for me and really makes me happy, somehow it turns into a disaster.
I have had so many urges to cut in the past few days, and now, I'm sitting here on Christmas day at 5:30 in the morning, feeling it more than ever. I want to not. It's been so long since I've done it last. But I can't get my boyfriend to answer the phone, and I just have this awful feeling that she's there. Not that he's cheating on me. Not anything like that. He wouldn't do that. I just have a feeling she's there. With him. Instead of me. Like it should be.
He doesn't see any of it. He simply thinks that all of these things don't add up and he doesn't seem to understand why I've been so upset lately. He acts as if nothing is wrong, and by telling me that he loves me, everything's going to be okay. But I really don't think that its going to work forever.
I'm so scared I'm pregnant. I don't know why. I just have this bad feeling. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I'd probably jump off a building before I could ever tell my mom. It would be horrible. And it would take my savings account right back down to zero, because I know my parents wouldn't pay the 500 dollars, and Michael doesn't have the money to help out with something like that. I'm hoping to freakin' God Almighty that I get my period tomorrow. Who knows what I'll do if I don't. I'll have to go down to the CVS and get a test, and hope for the best. Jesus, that would be the worst.
Something is overtaking me in a horrible misery. Maybe its just the time of the year. Maybe its something in the air. But I really wish it would stop, because I'm about to go crazy. This urge to cut is so strong, I needed to do something to stop myself... So typing was the only answer.
I guess I'm going to try calling him again, and then I'm gonna try to go back to sleep. My dad's gonna be here in like two hours for breakfast, and I can't even compose myself.
Goodnight. Merry Christmas. Lizi.