it wasn't meant to end...
yesterday, i flipped.. i just lost it. i don't even kow what triggered it, but stuff was building up, and i completely lost control. my body went completely numb, i couldn't help but to almost litereally burst into tears.. i ran around like a crazy person, pulling at my hair- i could barely breathe. runing down the stairs to try and find some sanity, i couldnt see where i was going. stumbling down the last few, i was spead walking to the backyard. circling nothing for no reason, wiping my tears as my eyes continued to fill, faster and faster- i couldnt keep up with it.. and i fell to the ground without even realizing it. when i opened my eyes, i was sitting on the grass with my knees to my chest- tears streaming down my face- hair all a mess. my body got up without my mind telling it to. uncontrolably, i ran to the bathroom and grabbed for anything in the medicine cabinet.. my hands couldn't keep any kind of a steady pace, as bottles were all over the floor- again, i fell to the ground, looking for..anything. i don't even know what the prescriptions were, but before i knew it i was swallowing a handfull of pills.. and onto the next bottle, and i couldn't stop myself. and i picked up another bottle, and swallowed more. god what was i doing? with pills still in my hand, i grabbed my keys. shaking like i've never felt before in my life, i ran to my car. i couldn't even open the door. when i finally did, i sat behind the wheel and, screamed.. so loud i thought the windows would shatter. my head fell onto the wheel, with tears soaking my face. i gained the stregnth to start the ignition.. drove to the lake.. got out- and climbed onto the wall that hangs over the water. i just stood there- with no idea what would happen next. my body trembling, hair a mess, trails of mascara continuing down my face. i was gasping for air. i looked below my feet at the water beneath me. roughly i put my palm tomy face, and wiped a tear. trying hard to catch my breath and stop crying, i thought about how easy it would be to fall right in. and all i heard was the sound of my unsteady heart, and uneven breathing.. "don't look down, just fall in, and let yourself sink", i told my self.. "it'll all be over soon." and i took a deep breath, barely even able to hold it- but i let go, and fell.. onto the grass.. i fell to my knees and prayed, deeper than i've ever prayed before.. and the tears stopped, and i stuck my finger down my throat, and everything i swallowed came up.. and i stood there looking at what i tried to do to myself.. and i cried- over what i almost lost. i couldn't believe what had just happened. that i could ever in my life feel that horrible. and i had thanked god for listening to me. i went home- and just cried until i threw up again.. then i fell asleep.. woke up and called him*.. cuz i know he's worth living for.. when he picked up, thats when i started smiling again.. and i knew everything was guna be okay.