it's raining....

[alone_n_a_crowd]

So tonight was this dinner fest with a service type deal. Well, Blake and I again were like attached at the hip (or so it felt like). You know, I thought I was over him, I really did. But, now, I don't know. I look at our prom pictures that I have in my room, and I want to cry. This past summer was the happiest of my life. With everything that happened at State, I was so depressed and EXTREMELY mad at God. I coulnd't believe He had let something like that happen to me. But, in the end, that incident had such an effect on my walk with God. After I got over being really mad at Him, my spiritual walk strengthened far more than it ever had on any retreat or other spiritual high. I started praying for God to bring me the right man at the right time. I began to trust in Him and His timing....and almost a year later, along came Blake. Now, in May of my Senior year, the guy that I had liked since the beginning of my seventh grade year finally told me that he liked me and wanted a relationship with me. After deciding that we would wait until we were at the same college, we built on our friendship. We spent practically this whole summer together. He could make me so happy...just by talking to him. And after everything I had experienced, he was like my life-saver...literally. I really thought that God had brought Blake into my life at exactly the right time. Then, a few weeks ago, everything was halted. Blake no longer wanted a relationship; he just wanted to be friends. I thought I could do it; I thought I could just be friends with him. But, now, here we are, at Greenville, where everything was supposed to start between us. It's weird to be around him again. I don't think I can do it...I can't be just his friend when I want more. I don't understand God's plans for me. I'm just royally confused right now. By no means am I mad at God, but I just wish I could understand Him. All these people in the Bible (Hebrews 11), it seems, they all knew what God wanted for them. Like, Abraham. He left everything that was familiar to him and left. He didn't know where he was going, but He knew that God had something better in store for him. Well, now that I look at it, they didn't know what God had planned for them. Yet, they trusted in Him and His plans. That's what I need to do...trust. He never said it would be an easy life, but He always told us that He would never leave us. So why can't I put my full trust in God? What is with me? It's so easier said than done. I just need to be like I was a year ago, when I had my full trust in God to bring me the right man at the right time. It shouldn't be hard...I mean, why not leave the details up to the one who knows the plan? He knows what is in store for me, and He wants what is best for me...if I just trust Him. I need prayer. This kind of stuff makes me want to be at home. I'm not homesick really; I just like to deal with this kind of stuff at home with my mom. I miss her. I finally think I'm starting to understand the saying of "When it rains, it pours." Maybe things will look better after a good night's sleep.

That's all for now...if you read all of this, you deserve a prize. So, I'll give you a verse to read. In fact, I think I'm going to start putting a verse at the end of my entries instead of my "I'm out like a..." sayings because I'm fresh out of those. I'm done for tonight...

~*~Tress~*~
Philippians 2:5 (perhaps one of my favorites)