tired
wow, what a long school day.........nothing but boringness. BUT it was still a great day, everyday is. last night i felt so sick when i had to say good bye to BUDDY, sick like a dog. During worship i knew that everything was going to be alright and that God was and is going to do amazing things for Benny, so i wasnt worried at all about that. The thing i was worried about was.......who is there for me? Benny kept telling me, over and over again you need a new buddy, but i was like no THERE'S ONLY ONE BUDDY(him) for BUDDY (being me)Who is there for me as a pastor, a friend, a big brother? Sure Brent and Jeremiah are wonderful guys and so is the whole youth staff, but i will never really have an amazing relationship with them, but great one though. An amazing relationship like i had with ben, he was there for me i was one of his first students, i could talk to him about anything anytime anywhere and he would care. So that's what kept hitting me. The first time i approached Ben i was getting anxious, and nervous cause i knew that he and i were going to say good bye. then he asked "Are you leaving right now?" "no. but soon" and sadly he said "ok well, i dont want to say good bye yet until you have to leave." "ahh, me either" with tears in my eyes i ran off back to chris and rajeev and told them i wasnt ready to say good bye. So we just talked hung out for about another 25 minutes. Then Chris, Rajeev, Todd, Jack, Kash and a few others decided to go to Red Robin to get some food...everyone but chris and rajeev left at that time. After that i called my parents and they were already at the tent waiting, so i had to go say good bye quick. Benny and Brad were sitting in the chairs looking at the stage. I walked in there casually telling my self not to cry it'll be ok, he's comming back, so i passed him and "Hey come here. Are you leaving now?" "uh huh" "oh....ok well uhh." He gave me a hug and said "i will miss you and you have to call me all the time or i'll come back and kick your butt" as i was crying and sniffing the snot up my nose i said "mmmm ok, I'm not gonna cry. i told you im not gonna cry." "ok sweetheart ok" then...he just hugged me like he always did and it lasted for a few minutes then wiped my tears. Another girl was standing waiting for him, and i was like a water fall, my eyes were red and my nose was running. Pastor Brad gave me a hug and said "you're gonna come over a lot now,ok?" "i will." and dried up a little. I gave Benny one last dee hug and then, yea...those three words "i love you" came out of his mouth. It wasnt the first time i heard them nor the last but right then they ment more to me than any other time he had said it. Those words are so powerful i started my waterfall again, and still hugging, i was breathing so deep i almost passed out. I said "i love you and i'll talk to you later." No good bye, cause i knew he'd be back, just later. So i left walked to the lobby, and found chris rajeev and josh still there. With my eyes red and snot nosed chris opened his arms and gave me a hug, then rajeev did. I felt so greatful, and loved. Chris is an all around amazing guy. I told them both i was so thankful for them and if they werent in my life i would be one scared, mean, crazy girl. I said to them that we'll hang out this weekend and have fun, then walked out the tent doors, down the steps and into the car. Of course my mom and dad knew about benny and started to ask questions, i couldnt take it so i was like..can you talk to me later please i just dont want to talk now. As we drove out, i looked at Bens car and flushed my eyes out, i knew i wouldnt be seeing that car around here anymore, it crushed me. The whole way home i felt sick and i was weezing and breathing deep. My nose and eyes hurt from crying so much and i didnt like it at all. When i got home, i got ready for bed, looked at some pictures and cried my self to sleep.
OF COURSE there is the aftermath........which is, knowing that im going to be fine, it just takes me a few minutes. and today was great but a long school day. i am fine now, but im still worried, thinking, and wondering.
><>DEE<>
OF COURSE there is the aftermath........which is, knowing that im going to be fine, it just takes me a few minutes. and today was great but a long school day. i am fine now, but im still worried, thinking, and wondering.
><>DEE<>