Myspace is hating as usual...
I haven't been able to login to myspazz for almost a week now. Before I'd get lucky and it'd log me in, now I can't even get lucky :(
So anyways... what's been up in Windyland, I'm sure you're all dying to know...
Well lets see, I'm depressed. Not my normal level of depressed, much worse. Its to the point I had to take a leave from work because I can't even function normally. It was really hard for me to admit that I can't be normal, and I feel horrible that I can't. But I admitted it, and I'm off work, doing my best to feel better. I had a couple of good days after the new year started, but have since gone back down *sigh* crappy.
The slightest hurt makes me feel like I'm gonna cry.... I never feel that way, I hate crying. What's bad is when I feel pain like that is when I want to cut myself.
Since I'm fully aware of my twisted thoughts and behaviour I feel like I have to prove to myself I'm capable of using sciscors or any other sharp object without hurting myself, even accidentally. How pathetic does that make me feel?
Apparently what I'm experiencing is something called 'seasonal affective disorder', its where you get depressed in the winter months, its thought to be caused by the lack of sunlight.... which is super odd cuz this year's winter is very mild and has had quite a bit of sunlight. *confused*
Yep, poor pathetic Windy...
My neighboor says he has SAD too, and he says it'll get worse as I get older.... freakin great.
He was talking to Shawn about the depression, trying to help him understand that I'm not just being lazy or weak or whatever, I'm sick. (I hate having to refer to a mental illness as 'sick'. *sigh*)
I feel pathetic explaining to people that I can't work because I'm depressed. Everyone gets depressed! I expect people to say (exactly what my mom will say once she finds out). Not like this though.
I missed work 3 days in a row because I couldn't will myself to get up and go. I couldn't get myself to go to the job I love. No matter how shitty my days have been I always get up having some desire to go take care of the animals, not right now :'(
Alright, enough pity party. (Nah, I just wanted y'all to understand that this isn't your run of the mill depression.)
Soooo... what else... xmas was alright... both my mom and my dad accused me of being a meth addict on christmas, but yet I still had a good day chillin with my hood rats, lol. It freakin baffles me... I'm the same weight I was when I graduated high school, the same weight I managed to get back down to back in spring, but now, apparently because I've lost 20lbs over the course of 3+ months, I'm a druggie...? When I was even skinnier than this about 1.5-2 years ago. WTF?!?!
That so pisses me off. I haven't let it go. I don't think I will. Normal people loose weight= "you look so good". Windy looses weight and is happy= "I hope you're not doing drugs". My mom is the only one allowed to make that accusation because she sees me fairly regularly and has been around me for 22 years. My 'come to visit twice a year' dad has no right to make it. >.<
And I'd like to add, my cousin lost way more weight than I have in a short amount of time but I didn't see nobody accusing her.... just food for thought.
Heh, we got some cool gifts though, and some crappy ones... the best were the ones we bought ourselves :D
New Years was chill. We stayed home and did nothing. And I mean nothing. Slept and watched tv.
The days following were surprising... people came over and hung out at our apt... that never happens. And it keeps happening. Same people. Wierd cuz its different, awesome cuz it never happens.
I don't even want to get started on Arianna's drama *phew*. That'd take a whole 'nother hour and our laundry's about done. See ya
Love ya *muah*
<3 ₩¡Ň₫¥ ™ ¤
So anyways... what's been up in Windyland, I'm sure you're all dying to know...
Well lets see, I'm depressed. Not my normal level of depressed, much worse. Its to the point I had to take a leave from work because I can't even function normally. It was really hard for me to admit that I can't be normal, and I feel horrible that I can't. But I admitted it, and I'm off work, doing my best to feel better. I had a couple of good days after the new year started, but have since gone back down *sigh* crappy.
The slightest hurt makes me feel like I'm gonna cry.... I never feel that way, I hate crying. What's bad is when I feel pain like that is when I want to cut myself.
Since I'm fully aware of my twisted thoughts and behaviour I feel like I have to prove to myself I'm capable of using sciscors or any other sharp object without hurting myself, even accidentally. How pathetic does that make me feel?
Apparently what I'm experiencing is something called 'seasonal affective disorder', its where you get depressed in the winter months, its thought to be caused by the lack of sunlight.... which is super odd cuz this year's winter is very mild and has had quite a bit of sunlight. *confused*
Yep, poor pathetic Windy...
My neighboor says he has SAD too, and he says it'll get worse as I get older.... freakin great.
He was talking to Shawn about the depression, trying to help him understand that I'm not just being lazy or weak or whatever, I'm sick. (I hate having to refer to a mental illness as 'sick'. *sigh*)
I feel pathetic explaining to people that I can't work because I'm depressed. Everyone gets depressed! I expect people to say (exactly what my mom will say once she finds out). Not like this though.
I missed work 3 days in a row because I couldn't will myself to get up and go. I couldn't get myself to go to the job I love. No matter how shitty my days have been I always get up having some desire to go take care of the animals, not right now :'(
Alright, enough pity party. (Nah, I just wanted y'all to understand that this isn't your run of the mill depression.)
Soooo... what else... xmas was alright... both my mom and my dad accused me of being a meth addict on christmas, but yet I still had a good day chillin with my hood rats, lol. It freakin baffles me... I'm the same weight I was when I graduated high school, the same weight I managed to get back down to back in spring, but now, apparently because I've lost 20lbs over the course of 3+ months, I'm a druggie...? When I was even skinnier than this about 1.5-2 years ago. WTF?!?!
That so pisses me off. I haven't let it go. I don't think I will. Normal people loose weight= "you look so good". Windy looses weight and is happy= "I hope you're not doing drugs". My mom is the only one allowed to make that accusation because she sees me fairly regularly and has been around me for 22 years. My 'come to visit twice a year' dad has no right to make it. >.<
And I'd like to add, my cousin lost way more weight than I have in a short amount of time but I didn't see nobody accusing her.... just food for thought.
Heh, we got some cool gifts though, and some crappy ones... the best were the ones we bought ourselves :D
New Years was chill. We stayed home and did nothing. And I mean nothing. Slept and watched tv.
The days following were surprising... people came over and hung out at our apt... that never happens. And it keeps happening. Same people. Wierd cuz its different, awesome cuz it never happens.
I don't even want to get started on Arianna's drama *phew*. That'd take a whole 'nother hour and our laundry's about done. See ya
Love ya *muah*
<3 ₩¡Ň₫¥ ™ ¤