Why LiveJournal is Invaluable to my Great Work
Many many years ago, I heard people taking about old senile folks sending a lot of time re-living their past histories. Seemed kinda creepy to me.
When I was in college, I heard a lot of creepy things about LSD flashbacks, where one re-lived one's bad trips, over and over.
Friends educated me about LSD flashbacks. Sure, some people who tripped a lot without paying attention to Set-&-Setting AND who were psychologically unstable to begin with.
After tripping many many times, I began to see thru the myth of LSD flashbacks. I began to have very pleasant re-living of very insightful psychedelic experiences. I could see auras (sometimes). I began to relate to all the critters I met (squirrels, pigeons, dragonflies, palmetto bugs, etc.) and began to perceive that all of this is but a small aspect of a pantheistic eco-system.
I am now an old fart. Not senile yet (and hopefully never will be). I am now experiencing a re-integration with my past. I do not believe it is a sign that I am about to die, but one never knows for sure about that! Seems to me that my re-integration and coming to a far greater understanding-&-appreciation of who I am coming to become.
So How Does LJ fit into All This?
I read lots of posts & comments on my f-list. Many folks who often do not even know one another. Then I sleep. I dream. I awake with insights into my own past which have puzzled me for years.
I do not have the time to do a write-up of all my LJ-induced insights-&-integrations. I wish I did have the time & did not need concern myself about earning $$, paying bills, running errands, buying lots of expensive supplements. Big Gay Al tells me $$ is rotten on the Square right now. So I am taking today (Wednesday) off so I can write this all up.
Let me start by re-counting some very odd observations while people watching out on the Square.
I see couples who disturb me. If I had ever acted the way these men act toward one of my Feminist lovers, they would be very upset with me. Usually white middle class folks 30-70+, but sometimes younger folks and folks of other races.
For want of a better term, I call the behavior steering. Example: A couple approaches the ramp between street level and Jackson Square. The guy will grab his female companion and steer her down the slight incline. Guys never steer another male companion. Not helping a cripple. Just asserting control over an adult woman like she were a small child or a pet animal. Same when a couple crosses the street. Makes me wonder what these women do when hubby is away at work. Do they never leave the house?
When I am going down the sidewalk with my walker or dragging either of my work carts, most folks see me and move aside of their own volition. But if a woman does not see me (back is turned to me), the hubby, boyfriend, or companion will grab the woman and drag her out of my way. OTOH, if the guy is obliviously blocking me, the woman gently taps him on the shoulder and speaks to him to clue him in.
Feminists (both Lesbian Separatists and Hetero-Feminists) I have known would be appalled if anyone dared to put his hands upon them in this manner.
Now, let me quote a series of snippets from a locked post (quoted with permission)
One of the reasons I do not date is that I do not like being 'guided' by certain men who do not take my body language into consideration. If they 'guide' women, or drape their arm around their shoulders, they have other bad habits, too.
When my sister started seeing her fiance, he tried to be friendly with me by patting and stroking me. And he tried to dance with me, although I clearly was uncomfortable
huggy men are rarely up to any good. Men who pat girls like dogs, or stroke them like cats, or want them to sit in their laps like some awkward pet never have the best interest of the girl in mind. Nor do men who guide women.
After dreaming some, I came to a realization that because I would never try to steer a woman (lover, friend, or stranger) I realized why lesbians have been attracted to me - both as friends and as lovers. My first 5 lovers were all lesbian or bi. I used to tell people that my tongue was lesbian trained.
Many humans have strange (to me, anyway) odd discrepancies between their body language and what they speak out loud. Many women sure seemed like they were flirting with me, but when I asked them about it, they denied it up-&-down. Being shy and insecure, this meant I missed lots of opportunities to get me some nookie.
Now, here is where things get really interesting (to me, anyway). When my family moved to Newburgh after I had graduated from eighth grade, we bought and old 11 acre farmstead in the country, with a barn. I wanted a horse. The people selling the property lived next door. They hacked their property in half, built a new home down the road from their old home, and sold their old home to us.
The folks who sold us our home had a daughter (the proverbial girl next door) - for whom I quickly developed a mad crush. My first mad crush for someone I actually knew! I had had small crushes on girls in school with me, but they were based on physical appearance alone. I never talked with any of them, so I never knew who they really were.
My mad crush on the girl next door ™ never went anywhere. A combination of me being very shy, and my (probably foolish) assumption that she would not be interested in dating an underclassman (me) who was 2 or 3 years younger than her.
She had a horse. I eventually saved enough to buy a horse. We went horse riding together, several afternoons a week. Our families became close friends. I seem to remember having a perpetual hard-on, whenever me and the girl next door ™ were together. We liked one-another, but I perceived that "like" as purely platonic.
This was back in the late 1950s. More than a decade before feminists came upon the scene. So the girl next door ™ was, in all probability, waiting for me to get aggressive and put the moves upon her.
I had not thought of her in decades. Last time I ever saw her was probably in the early 1970s.
That is, until I had the dream I mentioned above. nebris made a post I read the same day as the snippets I posted above. [ Go see here!]
In my dream, the girl next door ™ and I were in my old teenage home. We were both our present age. I reached out and touched her face. I told her I had had a mad crush on her since we first met. There were tears in her eyes. I pulled her close. We kissed passionately. It was clear at that moment that she had had a mad crush on me back then also.
I awoke with a sense of completion. I seriously doubt the girl next door ™ and I will ever meet again. Even if she came down to New Orleans, would I even recognize her?
With my newly discovered sense of completion, I find myself far more open to the possibility of sexually connecting with women far older than I had previously thought possible, so long as they are not smokers.