sorry that i'm such a mess.
Once said, always said.
I will hold the past over your head.
I'll speak my mind whenever I feel slighted.
i feel like such a jerk.
then i feel like a jerk for apologizing. i just am a bitch or just weird to everyone, EVERYONE, then i feel guilty, but like the damage is done. i ruin everyone's fun. and it's not like they can just not hang out with me because like 75% of the time i'm normal.
i think i might actually have this thing. and some people know this better than others, because i'm better at being normal around certain people. i just don't know. i think i am going to get [back] on medicine. i mean, different medicine. can't hurt, with the way i'm feeling
Day 18: i still haven't cut. i've only had three *serious* thoughts about it. i just remember when i had to get a lot of stitches that one time, and the doctor was like "you aren't going to do this anymore" and i was just like "it's not that simple." and he was like "it is that simple. you're just making it very difficult."
and i guess it is that simple. i like it though. i wish i could always be "smiles and bright-eyed happiness" because everyone DOES like me better like that. but then i think, do they really care if they only want me to just be happy all of the time? then i resent them for that and just feel worse. but who wants a friend who's always a burden, always in the midst of some horrible crisis, unable to cope with everyday life? why am i so fuckin special that i shouldn't have to deal with stuff that everyone else does? maybe i'm fragile. i feel like i'm not cuz i've been through so much but if i really think about it, i didn't DEAL with those things well. maybe to others i did, but not personally.
i'm doing it again. i'm shutting up and going to watch some TV. eh.