Is Your Son Gay?
I think the majority of us can agree that coming out is undoubtedly one of the most painstaking and difficult aspects of being GLBT. Frankly, I've always thought that the perceived need to "come out" is absurd in itself, as you're obviously not expected to have to announce to the world other inherent qualities, such as skin color or height. "Mom... I don't know how to tell you this, but... I'm white... and 5'2. Do you still love and accept me?" Nonetheless, though, in this day and age, an official "coming out" when you're GLBT is practically a requirement.
So, the time finally comes when you're ready to reveal to your parents that you are, in fact, a homo. You rack your brain trying to think of the most eloquent way to break it to them. Chances are your parents have questioned your sexuality ever since they caught their little boy trying on mom's heels or noticed their little girl's amazing proficiency with power tools, but there are those parents who will still tell themselves that their son's interest in Victorian dolls doesn't mean he's GAY. "For Christ's sake, he had posters of that Britney Spears girl all over his room as a child!" Little do they know that instead of crushing on Britney, we actually wanted to be Britney... or maybe that was just me.
For those inquisitive parents who rely on antiquated stereotypes to discern whether or not they may be raising a gay son, there's now an Android app for that! The French app "Mon Fils Est-Il Gay?" (translation: "Is My Son Gay?") proposes a series of 20 yes or no questions that supposedly help parents determine whether or not their son is gay. Sorry lesbians, no app for you (yet). Some examples are:
• "Before birth, did you want to have a girl?"
• "Does he spend a lot of time in the bathroom?"
• ”Does he like to dress well?"
• ”Does he like football?"
• "Is their father absent?"
• "Does he like musicals?"
In all honesty, my parents would have gotten a definitive “Yes” had they ever bothered to use this program to figure out my sexuality when I was younger. I mean, I’m pretty sure all teenage boys spend a lot of time in the bathroom “showering,” I was under the impression that my head-to-toe Abercrombie & Fitch outfit meant I was well-dressed, I’ve only even been able to make it through a football game by watching the cheerleaders and scoping out the players’ bulges, and I was obsessed with the Wicked original Broadway soundtrack for an unnaturally long time.
After all of the questions are answered, if your son is determined to be straight, you receive a celebratory message: "You have nothing to worry about, your son is not gay. So you have a very good chance of being a grandmother with all the joys that brings.” On the other hand, if your son is gay, you’re given a decidedly less optimistic message telling you that, yes, your son is gay, and you should just “ACCEPT IT.”
While these questions were almost certainly formulated by some of the world's most brilliant scientific and psychological minds, I'd like to suggest some other, more plausible catechisms that would suggest your son is unequivocally gay.
• Does your son frequently use “girl” as a pronoun? If so, your son is gay.
• Have you ever caught your son with a dick in his mouth? If so, your son is gay.
• Have you ever discovered a stockpile of gay porn in your son’s possession? If so, your son is gay.
• Is your son familiar with poppers? If so, your son is (most likely) gay.
• Have you ever walked in on your son penetrating or being penetrated by another male? If so, your son is gay.
• Is your son Marcus Bachmann? If so, your son is gay.
• Has your son ever said to you, “Mom/Dad, I’m gay”? If so, your son is gay.
Hopefully that helps clear up any lingering questions you may have about your son’s sexuality.
So, the time finally comes when you're ready to reveal to your parents that you are, in fact, a homo. You rack your brain trying to think of the most eloquent way to break it to them. Chances are your parents have questioned your sexuality ever since they caught their little boy trying on mom's heels or noticed their little girl's amazing proficiency with power tools, but there are those parents who will still tell themselves that their son's interest in Victorian dolls doesn't mean he's GAY. "For Christ's sake, he had posters of that Britney Spears girl all over his room as a child!" Little do they know that instead of crushing on Britney, we actually wanted to be Britney... or maybe that was just me.
For those inquisitive parents who rely on antiquated stereotypes to discern whether or not they may be raising a gay son, there's now an Android app for that! The French app "Mon Fils Est-Il Gay?" (translation: "Is My Son Gay?") proposes a series of 20 yes or no questions that supposedly help parents determine whether or not their son is gay. Sorry lesbians, no app for you (yet). Some examples are:
• "Before birth, did you want to have a girl?"
• "Does he spend a lot of time in the bathroom?"
• ”Does he like to dress well?"
• ”Does he like football?"
• "Is their father absent?"
• "Does he like musicals?"
In all honesty, my parents would have gotten a definitive “Yes” had they ever bothered to use this program to figure out my sexuality when I was younger. I mean, I’m pretty sure all teenage boys spend a lot of time in the bathroom “showering,” I was under the impression that my head-to-toe Abercrombie & Fitch outfit meant I was well-dressed, I’ve only even been able to make it through a football game by watching the cheerleaders and scoping out the players’ bulges, and I was obsessed with the Wicked original Broadway soundtrack for an unnaturally long time.
After all of the questions are answered, if your son is determined to be straight, you receive a celebratory message: "You have nothing to worry about, your son is not gay. So you have a very good chance of being a grandmother with all the joys that brings.” On the other hand, if your son is gay, you’re given a decidedly less optimistic message telling you that, yes, your son is gay, and you should just “ACCEPT IT.”
While these questions were almost certainly formulated by some of the world's most brilliant scientific and psychological minds, I'd like to suggest some other, more plausible catechisms that would suggest your son is unequivocally gay.
• Does your son frequently use “girl” as a pronoun? If so, your son is gay.
• Have you ever caught your son with a dick in his mouth? If so, your son is gay.
• Have you ever discovered a stockpile of gay porn in your son’s possession? If so, your son is gay.
• Is your son familiar with poppers? If so, your son is (most likely) gay.
• Have you ever walked in on your son penetrating or being penetrated by another male? If so, your son is gay.
• Is your son Marcus Bachmann? If so, your son is gay.
• Has your son ever said to you, “Mom/Dad, I’m gay”? If so, your son is gay.
Hopefully that helps clear up any lingering questions you may have about your son’s sexuality.