The sounds of lesbians mating…
As anyone who’s had the great fortune to sleep in the same room as me can testify (although I will deny it to my dying day), I can snore and sleep through anything. If an aeroplane was to crash into the Millennium Stadium, you can pretty much bet that I’d sleep through it and wake up to realise there’s a massive crater outside my window. I’ve slept through alarm clocks, people tickling me, everything. When I slumber, I slumber.
But not, apparently through the sounds of lesbians mating. I was pretty much solidly asleep until at 3am, I was woken by the sounds of someone having a fitting cough. At least I thought it was whooping cough. Then the sound became curiously elongated, and rising in pitch. With some accompanying pants. Putting two and two together, and remembering who I’d left on the couch when I went to bed after another unsatisfactory night with my lesbian friends in a lesbian bar watching lesbian foreplay (which seems to involve lesbians grappling each other as if wrestling, or punching each other in the arm), it was them pesky lesbians again.
After a few breathy moans, a couple of “Oh YEAH!!!”’s leading to high-pitched yelps, the sounds seemed to die down, and I was just left with the blissful white noise of the TV in the living room.
Then 5 minutes later, the moans started up again. For 10 minutes. Again, leading to the breathy moans and the high-pitched yelps. Then died down. Then started up again 5 minutes later. And so on.
So my sleep was rather fitful. When I emerged from my bedroom at 9am, the yelping lesbian emerged from her room, beaming from ear to ear. I mean, beaming. She was practically begging me to come and talk to her in the living room. And when she says “talk to me”, she means I should just sit back and listen while she luxuriously launches into a dramatic sunny monologue about just how beautiful life is today. All because she got a sodding shag. Admittedly a shag I’ve been encouraging for months, if only to give some people some happiness. Little did I know it’d stop me sleeping.
So I declined her unkind invitation, and tried to get back to sleep. Which didn’t work. So I decided to go into town for some “me” time. Whereupon the lesbians kept texting me with various invitations to go back and join them in lunch, dinner, food, and cinema. Which isn’t that unusual, aside from it happening 4 times over 3 hours. And women just need to understand that No sometimes means No!
Women just need to understand. Sometimes, we prefer to be alone when we shop for shoes and computer gadgets.
Mirrored from almost witty.