A good essay....
....especially for mothers of boys, but really for all parents, I think!
I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking of this stuff!
http://atlanta.skirt.com/node/24217
Can We Mention the Men?
As I waddle into my last few weeks of pregnancy, I should probably be thinking about, well, baby stuff. Do I have enough diapers on hand? Did I buy the right kind of BPA-free baby bottles? What’s the deal with jaundice? And where can I buy a nightlight that doesn’t take the form of either Spiderman or SpongeBob SquarePants?
Instead, my mind keeps jumping way ahead. Eighteen years ahead, to be exact. And it’s all thanks to an infuriating article in Newsweek titled “The ‘Other’ Talk.” Published this past August, the piece was about the link between the drinking habits of college-aged women and the likelihood that they will be raped or sexually assaulted. “In a study published in the June 2008 issue of the Psychology of Addictive Behaviors,” the authors wrote, “scientists from the University of Buffalo found that the odds of 18- and 19-year-old women experiencing sexual aggression was 19 times greater when they binge drank than when they didn’t drink.”
And that’s where I did a spit take. Nowhere in this piece did the authors fill in what seemed to be the crucial blank in this disturbing statistic, namely, that these college women aren’t assaulting themselves. In not even mentioning the boys and men who are apparently perpetrating these crimes, the article tacitly accepted what seems to be an increasingly widespread problem in the ongoing American dialogue about rape and responsibility. We have become vigilant in teaching our daughters how not to get raped: self-defense seminars, “rape whistles,” well meaning articles on how to spot a potential rapist highlighted on the cover of Cosmopolitan in 36 point neon-pink type. Why are we not nearly as concerned with teaching our sons not to rape?
I knew I was having a son almost as soon as I knew I was pregnant. Once it was confirmed and people began asking the sex of the little thing brewing in my belly, I was surprised when a couple of people queried, “Are you disappointed that you’re not having a daughter?” The implication of the question seemed to be that, as a feminist, my idealism and philosophies would be put to better use in raising a girl than a boy.
The fact is, I’m thrilled to be having a son. What I’m less thrilled about is bringing him into a world that seems to be one of diminished expectations for boys and men. The article I mentioned above is obviously an extreme example. But the number of enablers of this school of thought has grown to disturbing dimensions. The idea that boys will be boys (even when they’re full-grown men), is disseminated by everyone from our childbirth class teacher, to the writers of TV commercials to Eliot Spitzer.
I may be lucky, or perhaps just naïve, to be so continually surprised and upset by this. I grew up with wonderful brothers and a father who, while unquestionably a product of his generation when it came to women’s roles around the house, enthusiastically coached my softball team and never let me think I wasn’t as capable or worthwhile as any boy I knew. As a teen and adult, my male friends gave me a window into mindsets that were as romantic, neurotic and emotionally complex as any shared by our female peers. And then, there’s my partner: Though both of us have our gender-conforming habits and features (he collects superhero comics and sports cards and knows his way around a variety of car engines; I have a closet-choking number of shoes and handbags), we also share the household chores, enjoy both basketball and home decorating projects and belch loudly and often.
When it comes down to it, we haven’t spent a lot of time worrying about how our boy will be raised. But I’m wondering now if we should. I have heard and read fellow feminist mothers fretting about whether their toddler sons should be allowed to play with toy guns or G.I. Joes and whether interest in violent sports like hockey or football should be discouraged. I suspect that they may occasionally put too much emphasis on the correlation between childhood toys and adult behavior. Not that I doubt there is some, but let me also say that the hundreds of hours I spent playing with Matchbox cars as a kid haven’t made me a better driver. But I don’t judge these mothers. Their mental somersaults over what’s right, what’s appropriate and what’s healthy for their boys are completely reasonable in an America that regularly blames working mothers for the “feminization” of their sons.
My son’s most prominent personality trait so far involves lodging his tiny feet under my ribs as I try to sleep, so it kills me to have to entertain the thought of him as a potential sexual harasser or as someone who might someday use the phrase “bros before hos.” And I can’t bear to think that he’s going to be born into a world that may not expect him to be a rapist, exactly, but that uses an indulgent shrug to dismiss sexism that his parents may not have taught him and that his culture avidly will.
So I’m not going to sweat water pistols or Pee Wee football. What I am going to demand of this new person is that he see for himself the way feminism-despite so many stereotypes sees men. As decent human beings first. Lili Taylor’s character may have put it best in the film Say Anything: “Anyone can be a guy. Be a man.”
Hmm. Would it be overkill to embroider that on a baby blanket?
Andi Zeisler is the cofounder and editorial/creative director of Bitch: Feminist Response to Pop Culture, a magazine that has been critiquing the intersections of feminism, gender and media for more than 12 years. Her new book, Feminism and Pop Culture came out this November. She lives with her family in Portland, Oregon.
~Andi Zeisler
I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking of this stuff!
http://atlanta.skirt.com/node/24217
Can We Mention the Men?
As I waddle into my last few weeks of pregnancy, I should probably be thinking about, well, baby stuff. Do I have enough diapers on hand? Did I buy the right kind of BPA-free baby bottles? What’s the deal with jaundice? And where can I buy a nightlight that doesn’t take the form of either Spiderman or SpongeBob SquarePants?
Instead, my mind keeps jumping way ahead. Eighteen years ahead, to be exact. And it’s all thanks to an infuriating article in Newsweek titled “The ‘Other’ Talk.” Published this past August, the piece was about the link between the drinking habits of college-aged women and the likelihood that they will be raped or sexually assaulted. “In a study published in the June 2008 issue of the Psychology of Addictive Behaviors,” the authors wrote, “scientists from the University of Buffalo found that the odds of 18- and 19-year-old women experiencing sexual aggression was 19 times greater when they binge drank than when they didn’t drink.”
And that’s where I did a spit take. Nowhere in this piece did the authors fill in what seemed to be the crucial blank in this disturbing statistic, namely, that these college women aren’t assaulting themselves. In not even mentioning the boys and men who are apparently perpetrating these crimes, the article tacitly accepted what seems to be an increasingly widespread problem in the ongoing American dialogue about rape and responsibility. We have become vigilant in teaching our daughters how not to get raped: self-defense seminars, “rape whistles,” well meaning articles on how to spot a potential rapist highlighted on the cover of Cosmopolitan in 36 point neon-pink type. Why are we not nearly as concerned with teaching our sons not to rape?
I knew I was having a son almost as soon as I knew I was pregnant. Once it was confirmed and people began asking the sex of the little thing brewing in my belly, I was surprised when a couple of people queried, “Are you disappointed that you’re not having a daughter?” The implication of the question seemed to be that, as a feminist, my idealism and philosophies would be put to better use in raising a girl than a boy.
The fact is, I’m thrilled to be having a son. What I’m less thrilled about is bringing him into a world that seems to be one of diminished expectations for boys and men. The article I mentioned above is obviously an extreme example. But the number of enablers of this school of thought has grown to disturbing dimensions. The idea that boys will be boys (even when they’re full-grown men), is disseminated by everyone from our childbirth class teacher, to the writers of TV commercials to Eliot Spitzer.
I may be lucky, or perhaps just naïve, to be so continually surprised and upset by this. I grew up with wonderful brothers and a father who, while unquestionably a product of his generation when it came to women’s roles around the house, enthusiastically coached my softball team and never let me think I wasn’t as capable or worthwhile as any boy I knew. As a teen and adult, my male friends gave me a window into mindsets that were as romantic, neurotic and emotionally complex as any shared by our female peers. And then, there’s my partner: Though both of us have our gender-conforming habits and features (he collects superhero comics and sports cards and knows his way around a variety of car engines; I have a closet-choking number of shoes and handbags), we also share the household chores, enjoy both basketball and home decorating projects and belch loudly and often.
When it comes down to it, we haven’t spent a lot of time worrying about how our boy will be raised. But I’m wondering now if we should. I have heard and read fellow feminist mothers fretting about whether their toddler sons should be allowed to play with toy guns or G.I. Joes and whether interest in violent sports like hockey or football should be discouraged. I suspect that they may occasionally put too much emphasis on the correlation between childhood toys and adult behavior. Not that I doubt there is some, but let me also say that the hundreds of hours I spent playing with Matchbox cars as a kid haven’t made me a better driver. But I don’t judge these mothers. Their mental somersaults over what’s right, what’s appropriate and what’s healthy for their boys are completely reasonable in an America that regularly blames working mothers for the “feminization” of their sons.
My son’s most prominent personality trait so far involves lodging his tiny feet under my ribs as I try to sleep, so it kills me to have to entertain the thought of him as a potential sexual harasser or as someone who might someday use the phrase “bros before hos.” And I can’t bear to think that he’s going to be born into a world that may not expect him to be a rapist, exactly, but that uses an indulgent shrug to dismiss sexism that his parents may not have taught him and that his culture avidly will.
So I’m not going to sweat water pistols or Pee Wee football. What I am going to demand of this new person is that he see for himself the way feminism-despite so many stereotypes sees men. As decent human beings first. Lili Taylor’s character may have put it best in the film Say Anything: “Anyone can be a guy. Be a man.”
Hmm. Would it be overkill to embroider that on a baby blanket?
Andi Zeisler is the cofounder and editorial/creative director of Bitch: Feminist Response to Pop Culture, a magazine that has been critiquing the intersections of feminism, gender and media for more than 12 years. Her new book, Feminism and Pop Culture came out this November. She lives with her family in Portland, Oregon.
~Andi Zeisler