(no subject)
Ambiguous. That is the word right now. I am at the beginning of my journey. And that makes me want to cry. I have been through so much- at least, this is how I feel. But my life's struggles have mostly been internal. There has been so little situational, concrete conflict in my life. But I am tired. I am worn down. I will be 23 soon...and I feel so young and stupid, and so old and tired. I can't stand to think about the real challenges that life will throw at me soon, or in the near future. Is this part of getting older? Is this the beginning of the acceptance of age, and aging? I am only 22, but 22 years is such a long time. Is this the beginning of adulthood? Is it always so sad and terrifying?
I recently read an essay that explained adulthood as the time at which one takes responsibility for their own life. Which is true. Is this the fear that is associated with that?
Here I am, at almost 23 years old, with a great conflict between myself and the world. Unable to trust anyone, unable to truly believe in anyone, faith and love lost. I believe that this is part of my journey...the reliance of self, the catalyst for emotional independence...but I am so disdainful towards the things that I used to trust in. TRUST.
Here is my biggest loss. A five-letter word that is associated with youth, I believe. Because when you are young, trust is inherent to your soul. You trust your parents. You trust your teachers. Even if you dislike them, you trust that they are not lying to you, you trust that their words are true, and therefore, this man or woman who stands in front of you everyday is really cruel, not broken-hearted or disappointed in someone they once trusted, or by the sad realities of life. Never take candy from a stranger, never go with a stranger, even if they say they know your parents. Because you cannot trust these people, because you trust your parents who told you not to. You trust that your friends love you...you get older, and you trust your parents less, because maybe you begin to question this trust? Especially as your parents begin to truly and sincerely disappoint or upset you. You trust your friends more; you learn that all of your friends cannot be trusted. You trust some of them, eventually you learn that they are not perfect either and you cannot trust any of them. And there it is. You have reached your first significant loss. It is step by step, fragment by small fragment, continuing from when you are a small child, an unknowing 5 year old, until the biggest piece finally breaks off and you are sad in a profound way that is ultimately, unforgivably human.
But the things I believe in!
I believe in love. I believe in magick. I believe in music- the vibration of strings, the vibration of rhythm and beats and spirit. The colors of everyone, not racial but real spectral color. Beauty, and indivualism. Divination, intuition, evolution, realization, freedom, joy, love, trust...
There it is again. There is the conflict.
I WANT TO BELIEVE
There is your choice.
I recently read an essay that explained adulthood as the time at which one takes responsibility for their own life. Which is true. Is this the fear that is associated with that?
Here I am, at almost 23 years old, with a great conflict between myself and the world. Unable to trust anyone, unable to truly believe in anyone, faith and love lost. I believe that this is part of my journey...the reliance of self, the catalyst for emotional independence...but I am so disdainful towards the things that I used to trust in. TRUST.
Here is my biggest loss. A five-letter word that is associated with youth, I believe. Because when you are young, trust is inherent to your soul. You trust your parents. You trust your teachers. Even if you dislike them, you trust that they are not lying to you, you trust that their words are true, and therefore, this man or woman who stands in front of you everyday is really cruel, not broken-hearted or disappointed in someone they once trusted, or by the sad realities of life. Never take candy from a stranger, never go with a stranger, even if they say they know your parents. Because you cannot trust these people, because you trust your parents who told you not to. You trust that your friends love you...you get older, and you trust your parents less, because maybe you begin to question this trust? Especially as your parents begin to truly and sincerely disappoint or upset you. You trust your friends more; you learn that all of your friends cannot be trusted. You trust some of them, eventually you learn that they are not perfect either and you cannot trust any of them. And there it is. You have reached your first significant loss. It is step by step, fragment by small fragment, continuing from when you are a small child, an unknowing 5 year old, until the biggest piece finally breaks off and you are sad in a profound way that is ultimately, unforgivably human.
But the things I believe in!
I believe in love. I believe in magick. I believe in music- the vibration of strings, the vibration of rhythm and beats and spirit. The colors of everyone, not racial but real spectral color. Beauty, and indivualism. Divination, intuition, evolution, realization, freedom, joy, love, trust...
There it is again. There is the conflict.
I WANT TO BELIEVE
There is your choice.