not just meaningless ranting
Not that there is any one specific purpose for a thing such as live journal, but of course everyone has their different use of it and opinion on what it should and shouldn't be. I guess we've all developed stylings to our lj's that customize them to best fit ourselves. WELL this is one of the times where I am going to take full advantage of the true 'journal' sense, in the idea that anyone can read it but no one has to and either way I get to use it as an outlet. So if you don't like it dont read it, but the following is mostly insatiable complaints from my un-satisfied mind...
Looking at that last sentance I'm thinking, thats no attitude to have. I'd like to view myself as a happy, thankful person, Not one of those people who is constantly complaining. But as human nature dictates, we all have un-ending wants as people, and this does inevitably lead to some disappointment. Whether our desire is of earthly origin or rather an emotional entity... I know that I, personally, am always craving something. Wish I could change it, but I guess thats the one task we as humans turn to faith to unfold.
What the hell is faith anyways? The common description of faith would probably include the words; values, strong beliefs, religion, trust in a certain structure of what is and should be, etc. But for the past 17 fucking years of my life I have been taught, no, convinced in a very matter-of-factly manner that there is only one way. By way, I mean, way to live, way to think and act and...be. And that makes it soo hard for a person to grow...how and why should anyone live with a fence around their life and all the possibilities? There is soooo much in this world, it's basically a system that needs every different type of people exist. So if it all makes the world go round then why are certain things right and wrong. Who started this whole ridiculous routine of deeming things acceptable or un-seen. It makes things too damn complicated. So here I am wondering 'if i do this, what will people say, or think' and 'if i say that, what will God think', 'what kind of person does this make me'??? And its all just a vicious circle of questions that can never be fully answered enough to satisfy. So why do i punish myslef by paging through daily my list of questions? It doesn't get me anywhere, i eventually come to the end of my minds boundarys with what life experience allows me to have knowledge of. I also feel incredibly un-cultured and under-experienced. Something I have to do i travel abroad in college. You need to see different lifestyles to become more cultured, like to gain that wisdom of knowing just how broad our horizon is. Crystal Lake not only doesn't satisfy this thirst for knowlegde, it bores me out of my god damn mind. Every night I find myself sitting around with the same old people, doing the same old thing, and the age-old question goes around the room: so, what is there to do? Fuck. This town blows. The dare problem doesnt do shit---no, i promise this isn't just a random thought, listen---the dare program gets so much funding and it doesn't do anything. They should put that money into something that would make CL nite life better, so instead of sitting around smoking pot poppin shrooms and pills and getting plastered we could go do something more functional. Not that people would stop recreational drug-usage, but i think it just might put a dent in that statistic. Plus. The dare program sucks. I fucking won that essay contest and had to read my essay aloud at the award thing at the end of the program--- i drew parralels to human interaction and used tons of corny metaphors, but it made sense and was well written for a fuckin fifth grader. But guess what. I fuckin get drunk or high every god damn chance i get. And it's all because when I do, I go to a state of mind that lets me leave my fence, and step outside all perimeters of normalcy. Maybe if Crystal Lake had more to see, more history, more legend to it I wouldn't feel so sheltered and naive...and be forced to do bad things! Just kidding. but seriously. Fuck the dare program.
I'm at the end of tonights ramblings, but im sure more will come in due time. I'm finally understanding my book 'fabric of the cosmos' all the talk of quantum mechanics and special relativity made no sense what-so-ever at first, but now seems so applicable to my life. Daily life hides reality in a way...it passes us by before we can understand it, leaving us unconcerned with where and how events occur. Making a concious effort to slow down and relate in perspective to something more meaningful then the most stand-outish benchmark, something more important. Life is so confusing, but I fuckin love it, and all the questions it summons forth.
Looking at that last sentance I'm thinking, thats no attitude to have. I'd like to view myself as a happy, thankful person, Not one of those people who is constantly complaining. But as human nature dictates, we all have un-ending wants as people, and this does inevitably lead to some disappointment. Whether our desire is of earthly origin or rather an emotional entity... I know that I, personally, am always craving something. Wish I could change it, but I guess thats the one task we as humans turn to faith to unfold.
What the hell is faith anyways? The common description of faith would probably include the words; values, strong beliefs, religion, trust in a certain structure of what is and should be, etc. But for the past 17 fucking years of my life I have been taught, no, convinced in a very matter-of-factly manner that there is only one way. By way, I mean, way to live, way to think and act and...be. And that makes it soo hard for a person to grow...how and why should anyone live with a fence around their life and all the possibilities? There is soooo much in this world, it's basically a system that needs every different type of people exist. So if it all makes the world go round then why are certain things right and wrong. Who started this whole ridiculous routine of deeming things acceptable or un-seen. It makes things too damn complicated. So here I am wondering 'if i do this, what will people say, or think' and 'if i say that, what will God think', 'what kind of person does this make me'??? And its all just a vicious circle of questions that can never be fully answered enough to satisfy. So why do i punish myslef by paging through daily my list of questions? It doesn't get me anywhere, i eventually come to the end of my minds boundarys with what life experience allows me to have knowledge of. I also feel incredibly un-cultured and under-experienced. Something I have to do i travel abroad in college. You need to see different lifestyles to become more cultured, like to gain that wisdom of knowing just how broad our horizon is. Crystal Lake not only doesn't satisfy this thirst for knowlegde, it bores me out of my god damn mind. Every night I find myself sitting around with the same old people, doing the same old thing, and the age-old question goes around the room: so, what is there to do? Fuck. This town blows. The dare problem doesnt do shit---no, i promise this isn't just a random thought, listen---the dare program gets so much funding and it doesn't do anything. They should put that money into something that would make CL nite life better, so instead of sitting around smoking pot poppin shrooms and pills and getting plastered we could go do something more functional. Not that people would stop recreational drug-usage, but i think it just might put a dent in that statistic. Plus. The dare program sucks. I fucking won that essay contest and had to read my essay aloud at the award thing at the end of the program--- i drew parralels to human interaction and used tons of corny metaphors, but it made sense and was well written for a fuckin fifth grader. But guess what. I fuckin get drunk or high every god damn chance i get. And it's all because when I do, I go to a state of mind that lets me leave my fence, and step outside all perimeters of normalcy. Maybe if Crystal Lake had more to see, more history, more legend to it I wouldn't feel so sheltered and naive...and be forced to do bad things! Just kidding. but seriously. Fuck the dare program.
I'm at the end of tonights ramblings, but im sure more will come in due time. I'm finally understanding my book 'fabric of the cosmos' all the talk of quantum mechanics and special relativity made no sense what-so-ever at first, but now seems so applicable to my life. Daily life hides reality in a way...it passes us by before we can understand it, leaving us unconcerned with where and how events occur. Making a concious effort to slow down and relate in perspective to something more meaningful then the most stand-outish benchmark, something more important. Life is so confusing, but I fuckin love it, and all the questions it summons forth.